I had a premonition back in March that I’d face something climactic and potentially frightening before 2020 ends. COVID was coming onto the scene then, and I thought that whatever I would face might be a combination of COVID and my neurological condition. Well, the coronavirus is moving into its most dangerous phase yet, and the cultural temperature in the US is at an all-time high. More importantly, though, my hearing in my right ear has decreased. It’s been deteriorating since the summer, but I didn’t realize the full trend until last Monday, when I was driving to Connecticut. An MRI scan of my brain in June showed that one of my brain tumors did increase in size. I’m getting another MRI scan in December 12. I then follow up with my neurologist on the 15th and get my first Avastin treatment of this next treatment cycle on the same day. All of that, combined with increasing synchronicities and other trends in my life, is pointing to the likelihood that something big will be heading my way in December.
The angel message received by @jeanne-mayell from 9/30 speaks to my intuition: “You will go through something, but you came for this and you are brave warriors.” So does the message from @triciact: “We have you in our embrace and will NOT let you down. You are not alone. There will be a fight, but it is for the good. You will be saved.” I feel like I’m heading for the ultimate test of whether I truly want to heal and be a healer, which is what I’ve been seeing for the past year. That’s why I’m calling whatever’s coming “the last battle.” This won’t be the last challenge of my life, but I do think this event I’m approaching may be the final gate before I can start manifesting my soul’s desires.
Over the course of the same drive while I was realizing the full extent of my neurological developments, I felt my spirit guides and other beings gathering around me to lend me help. Those hours felt quite holy and were accentuated by the low angle of the afternoon sun. I felt very at peace. But now I feel undeniable trepidation, and I’m especially frightened by the possibility that I won’t be saved and that my health will continue deteriorating. I
(part 2)
I know I have to trust in my guides and the spirits, but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t entertain some doubt, especially since most of my life up until this point has been marked by medical disappointment. I just need energetic help to get through the next month (or several months). Like I’ve said before on the forum, I ask that you don’t say anything along the lines of “I can’t understand how hard it must be” or “that’s awful” or something about the challenges of facing all this at my age. Sentiments like those make me feel more isolated and therefore worse.
This thread does not have to be just about me. Reading through the angel messages, it seems like lots of us will be going through the crucible, so I wanted to create a space for us to share about our own climactic 2020 battles as long as those battles are personal in nature. Outside events and politics will likely be ambient components of those battles, but there are other threads for posting solely about national/global news.
Also, don’t minimize your story by comparing yourself to someone “who’s much worse off.” Comparisons like those are disrespectful because they objectify whoever you think is worse off than yourself—maybe someone with profound disabilities, or a starving child in Africa. Either way, you’re using that “other” individual as a measuring post. Finally, minimizing one’s story by resorting to worse off/better off comparisons denies the extreme particularity of the world and each person’s life. Our unique experiences and relationships make one person’s walk in the park another person’s torture regimen. And that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Our pain is %100 real to us regardless of what other people are going through.
Love to you my friend Coyote.
Lately I have been overcome by grief. It seems the second Holiday Season out from a long term marriage and divorce is even harder.
Tonight I saw photos of my ex- niece's baby and realized that I will not meet this child, I will not know him, or get to be his great aunt.
I lost so much when I left, having been shunned by his side mostly, and I know it is better to look at what remains. Still the grief, the loss, the sadness comes up.
In January I will find out what is exactly going on inside my body that is creating so much pain and discomfort. I hope it's stress, I hope it's the bad med I stopped using. I hope I'm okay.
An old friend recently apologized to me for things in high school, when we stopped being friends. I didn't recall much honestly, but she told me her parents marriage was imploding and she was jealous of me.
I don't know if my old friend was jealous because I had such a loving set of parents, who cherished us and each other, or the fact that I was effortlessly gifted and a star in high school, performing as a soloist and in choirs , and even going to State Choir in my senior year, the only vocalist to do so. She had dropped out of choir when high school began and had stopped interacting with me.
I love her and I feel that was brave but I told her if people knew how hard it is to be me, they would never be jealous.
I guess we all have some burden to bear. I only hope to forgive and love myself much more than I have been able to. I'm so damn traumatized from a lifetime of abuse and diminishment that it is not automatic to feel happy, or even loved. But I know I am. I also know that my anxiety lies to me, and my bipolar depression really wants to pull me under. I remain fierce in my determination to recover, but exhausted with the physical manifestation of pain.
I'm not sure if this will ease you fears or not, but I will speak from experience of both my own and those close to me. Just some food for thought for you right now.
1. You will come out of this ok. If this was to be your end, you would've seen/heard that by now.
2. Letting you be aware of what is coming is preparing you so that you are able to overcome whatever it is on the horizon. If you weren't meant to overcome it, you wouldn't be so aptly prepared for it.
3. Just think about it-if you put enough trust into these foresight and messages to make yourself worry of this "battle," then you have to put the trust in what they are saying the outcome is. When it comes to something like this, you either have to trust all of it or none of it. Either is fine but only trusting half and not the rest makes absolutely no logical sense. You are just letting your emotion make you question your placement of trust. If the message is true, you will have a fight but you will be ok. If the message isn't true, there won't be a fight and you will be ok. Those are the only 2 options. Pick either and the result is the same-YOU WILL BE OK.
@coyote , i heard this thing on the radio a couple of weeks ago, and thought that you might want it. It is N. Scott Momaday, reciting, and then discussing the Prayer of the Night Chant. It was on the "People of Earth" program on radio KPFT, Nov.11, 2020. Here is a link to it (scroll down to Nov 11) https://kpft.org/programming/newstalk/people-earth/
I searched, but could only find an abridged transcription of the Night Chant:
Prayer of the Night Chant
Dene (Navajo)
Tségihi
House made of dawn.
House made of evening light.
House made of the dark cloud.
House made of male rain.
House made of dark mist.
House made of female rain.
House made of pollen.
House made of grasshoppers.
Dark cloud is at the door.
The trail out of it is dark cloud.
The zigzag lightning stands high upon it.
Male deity!
Your offering I make.
I have prepared a smoke for you.
Restore my feet for me.
Restore my legs for me.
Restore my body for me.
Restore my mind for me.
This very day take out your spell for me.
Your spell remove for me.
You have taken it away for me.
Far off it has gone.
Happily I recover.
Happily my interior becomes cool.
Happily I go forth.
My interior feeling cool, may I walk.
No longer sore, may I walk.
Impervious to pain, may I walk.
With lively feelings may I walk.
As it used to be long ago, may I walk.
Happily may I walk.
Happily, with abundant dark clouds, may I walk.
Happily, with abundant showers, may I walk.
Happily, with abundant plants, may I walk.
Happily, on a trail of pollen, may I walk.
Happily may I walk.
Being as it used to be long ago, may I walk.
May it be beautiful before me.
May it be beautiful behind me.
May it be beautiful below me.
May it be beautiful above me.
May it be beautiful all around me.
In beauty it is finished.
I did find a longer form of the prayer on Youtube (various artists, not with Momaday): https://youtu.be/8GAGBno5jec
peace & love to you
To walk the path of beauty, one of most sacred and dearly held spiritual concepts of the Dine' people....
I felt so tired tonight after a day of feeling the heavy, transformative energies of this Full Moon Eclipse building up... I had some good communication with a couple of 'earthangels' that are far along the path, and that put my soul 'there', and now I see your beautiful post....
Thank you dear friend ?
This is such an incredibly profound time that we all are in the midst of... we are all going through the crucible', as you said. Please know that my heart is with you, as so many others are here... we are on this journey together. Healing ourselves on a soul level is probably the most difficult, and yet the most joyous, thing that we will ever do.
I won't get into a drawn out post right now (edit: but I did, sorry lol), though just wanted to share a few things with you from hard-won experience...
We talked a little before on the transformations occuring (over in your ' Alchemical ' thread), and the significance of Pluto and the astrological house it rules, the Eighth house.
I ran across this quote by Carl Jung :
'Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate'
Pluto does rule the unconscious mind, where all our deepest fears may be hidden. I have found in my own life that through walking through the fire, and embracing the challenges that Spirit has guided me through, I was able to let surface all of the deep pain, anger, and fear... all of those shadows from this and many other lifetimes, to release it all. And then I could allow the healing energies of others to help...
These planetary shifts and the Lunar (tomorrow) and Solar Eclipses coming up are paving the pathway for us to walk through the transformation and to have a grounding for our energies on our unique soul journeys as well... I have found that when I opened myself to align with Spirit, the fears all fell away. I have no fear of death, because I have already died.
You might think I'm overly optimistic Coyote, but I want to see the positive side of my soul, and your soul, and all the blessings we are receiving even if we don't see it all clearly.
In looking at spiritual Astrology, I get a better understanding, and it has been an incredible tool that has helped me to focus on the inward unfoldment of my soul's journey...
'The stars do impel, not compel'
We are the creators now, the masters of our own destiny ?
@Unk P
Prayer of the Night Chant
Dene (Navajo)
Tségihi
House made of dawn.
House made of evening light.
House made of the dark cloud.
House made of male rain.
House made of dark mist.
House made of female rain.
House made of pollen.
House made of grasshoppers.
Dark cloud is at the door.
The trail out of it is dark cloud.
The zigzag lightning stands high upon it.
Male deity!
Your offering I make.
I have prepared a smoke for you.
Restore my feet for me.
Restore my legs for me.
Restore my body for me.
Restore my mind for me.
This very day take out your spell for me.
Your spell remove for me.
You have taken it away for me.
Far off it has gone.
Happily I recover.
Happily my interior becomes cool.
Happily I go forth.
My interior feeling cool, may I walk.
No longer sore, may I walk.
Impervious to pain, may I walk.
With lively feelings may I walk.
As it used to be long ago, may I walk.
Happily may I walk.
Happily, with abundant dark clouds, may I walk.
Happily, with abundant showers, may I walk.
Happily, with abundant plants, may I walk.
Happily, on a trail of pollen, may I walk.
Happily may I walk.
Being as it used to be long ago, may I walk.
May it be beautiful before me.
May it be beautiful behind me.
May it be beautiful below me.
May it be beautiful above me.
May it be beautiful all around me.
In beauty it is finished.
Really beautiful.
Thank you.
I take this to my heart.
I live in Rhode Island but get all of my medical work done in Boston. The tumor I'm referring to is on my eight cranial nerve, which controls hearing and balance.
I really liked your advice. Very grounding, calming, logical.
Glad to have helped. When you are that close to something, you aren't able to pick it apart logically. That is why so many people can give the best advice to others but can't ever take their good advice themselves. Once emotion gets involved, it screws up your ability to think logically.
For anyone reading this, when you come upon a problem, separate yourself from it, step back, pretend its some random person's problem and not your own, and pick it apart using logic, ignoring any emotion. If you are able to do that, you will usually come to the correct conclusion and if you aren't, go to someone you trust who can do that and present the problem to them as not your own.
Mas... At least there is one cool head among us here, and I, even being the 'lunatic' that I am, always admire your scientific mindbent and grounding logic.
I do wish that you would balance the depth of your intellect with a little banal humor once in awhile though, my dear. Know any good cosmic jokes? ?
God, if I have to undergo another inpatient surgery in 2021, I sure hope it won't be related to the tumor on my cranial nerve. You can't really operate on tumors like that without inflicting further disability. I am undergoing an outpatient procedure for my left eye on Thursday. I hope that's what you're seeing. And if not, may any future surgeries be outpatient.
That is funny because my wife always says I need to "stop cracking jokes all the damn time and take things seriously." We are living proof that opposites attract for sure. The battle for our daughter's sense of humor is epic though.
I can, and will, turn anything into a joke but I know I can take some getting used to so I tone it down in here so I dont offend anyone.
As far as cosmic jokes, did you hear about the theoretical physicist that went insane studying unexplained cosmic background energy?
He couldn't tell where reality ended and the paranoid delusions began.
This is such a caring community and people want so much to use their gifts to heal and help each other. So it is with great love for each of you, that I gently ask people to refrain from making predictions, solicited or unsolicited, about someone's medical future. We do a lot of transpersonal predictions here, i.e, the future of the Collective and the world, as well as public figures who have huge influence on the Collective. But not so much the future of private individuals who come on the site.
It takes a great deal of skill and discernment to predict someone's future. Every time I give a reading I feel as though I've got in front of me a little bird in the palm of my hand, the person is that vulnerable.
I didn't always understand this, but these days, I find myself directed less to read their specific future and more to see the person's Self as they are now, their gifts and challenges and where that may take them if they should choose. They can then go forward with some new insight and the gift of being seen deeply by another. They are then free to perform miracles with their lives and I pray they do. We can help each other by providing insight, love, and sending healing energy.
That said, everyone who has given readings here has been so caring and kind. Just no medical futures in the future.
Yes, I heard that Jeanne ... just offering some possibilities that I would personally appreciate as an adult myself ?
I also had a preminition that something big was going to happen i March 2020. I didn't expect it to be a pandemic though. At the same time I lost my job as a graphic designer. I had been increasingly unhappy with that job, and getting horrible shoulder pains from all the sitting in front of a screen, so I was open for something new. I was really out of ideas on where to turn, so I tried career-advice and based on the interview I was told I should work with kids. This surprised me a bit. I'm 41. I have no girlfriend or children. Working with kids have not appealed to me. Not sure how to move forward with the career-advice I went to an astrologer for a reading. First time in my life I have ever seen a fortune-teller. He said I had two years left before a "big change". The rest of my life would be dominated by "family". This made no sense to me at all. I have no plans of getting any kids. He insisted and said the family would come to me no matter what I did or didn't do and I should not resist.
A few weeks later I contacted a local environmental organization hoping to do some volunteer graphic design while I was unemployed. I got some small jobs to do, but after a few days the woman at the office said she thought I seemed like a steady and safe adult (ok?). She was a lone mother of two, but had problems raising them alone. She asked if I could take her son on hikes and give him some male contact which she was sure would be good for him. Remembering the advice from the astrologer and the career-buerau, I accepted. The boy and me bonded very fast, and soon I was having the time of my life, taking him, and after a while also his sister, on adventures into the Norwegian mountains. It seemed I had found a secret talent I had no idea existed. I was good with kids!
I felt like I found my purpose, but meeting a kid a few times a month to go hiking isn't doing much to pay my bills. I needed something more. When a friend of a friend called and asked me to work in a childcare institution it felt like another piece fell into place. The pay was allright. The hours were excellent. Everything just seemed to fall so perfectly into place that it was hard to brush it off as coincidence. I was really convinced this is what the universe wants me to do. This had to be the last piece.
The job has been absolutely exhausting so far. It wrecks my nerves and gives me panick attacks. I don't see that I'm doing any good at all, which makes it harder to endure. If I hadn't had all these signs pointing in this direction I would have quit after a day or two. I'm now a few weeks in. It gets a bit easier, but it still wears me down. If this is what the universe has planned for me I worry I am neither strong enough or wize enough to work like this for more than a few months.
In all of this doubt it has been incredibly uplifting to read the angels message here on the board. "You will go through something, it will be tough but you are brave". I hope it will give me the strength I need to go through this. I need to believe this battle is only temporary.
You're the same age my bachelor uncle was when he traveled for work to New Zealand and met the woman he fell in love with. They're now married and have a 6-year-old son and a 4-year-old daughter (and live in New Zealand). It's funny how things can work out that way. I hope you get through this battle; it sounds like you're on the right path.
So tomorrow I have an MRI for my brain and cervical spine. Then on Monday I have an MRI on my thoracic and lumbar spine. Then on Tuesday I see my neurologist, get a hearing test, and have my first Avastin treatment of this next 3-month treatment cycle. All of this is pivoting around a solar eclipse. Please send me cosmic healing energy to get through it all.
Thanks.