@michelle-b
"...you are a heart warrior and the heart that breaks, breaks open, becomes stronger, and leads the world."
"This broken heart can and will heal and the energetic barbs and poison pain arrow will be pulled out. It will. "
Both of these quotes above really spoke to me. My heart has been broken so many times.
In being strong enough to share your pain, and bring it up to be healed in that light of love, you have inadvertently enriched me with accidental comfort from others to you.
I hope today has been a gentler day for you.
Sharing your love and light :)
I am also just echoing others here in their support of you, but I wanted to say how very *strong* you are to have confronted your father. That is not easy and many do not have the inner strength to do so. You radiate light and you have the support of this community. Much love to you!
I am not at all well lately. In pain. Weakened. Concerned for my own health. Getting a second opinion soon. Checking in with my regular doc after and seeing if I can switch meds. This, hopefully, is all just a nasty side effect to the new meds. Or it could be something much more serious so there is fear. I do not fear the afterlife, but I do fear not getting to see my mother and daughter again after I get the vaccine.
These new meds are questionable.
They tend to make me more aware that listening & focusing is like trying to reach for a doorknob to open and just missing by a few inches. and then fog is rolling in. My dizzied brain is trying so hard to catastrophize and I am having to talk myself off the ledge. I cannot allow myself this luxury of wallowing in the pain.
I am not healing up, nicely I seem stuck.
My child was sent home yesterday from college after a spike in cases. My ex alerted me in all caps and he is not an emotional guy at all, my newest ex husband. It terrified me. My heart was in my throat for hours. He REALLY alarmed me. I chastised him and then he just blew me off. That hurt, however, he has to understand that you can't shout bad news in all caps at me. Every day is a quest for balance. He upset my apple cart and everything else.
My BIGGEST fear is my child getting Covid. Worse than even if I caught it. I have always been the parent who tended to her in sickness, often catching whatever it was myself. The thought of her sick, and not with me , is unbearable sometimes. I am the strongest person I know, I have survived my whole life, all these misfortunes, all these wounds, psychic, emotional, social, physical. This one though is almost too great a burden to try to bear. I stayed until I couldn't. I stayed longer than I wanted to, years, because she would not leave with me and I would not be without her.
Now in hindsight, I think that was a mistake. It would have been better for her to have two civil separated parents, rather than two miserable parents. I find I am so angry with him for this distance with my daughter. Although I know carrying anger towards anyone only weakens my soul and blocks my heart, I am realizing that I will need to allow whatever feelings come up for healing to be accepted, felt, prayed upon and released. I also have to remind myself that this bipolar depression makes everything seem much worse than it really is.
But again, as I did when I moved into my own space last year, I have been overwhelmed with sadness and missing living with my child and my dog, that I gave to her. I miss my house, my town, my neighbors of 25 years. I miss her in the next room, wrapped in a blanket with the dog. I can feel her energetically of course, but it just saddens me. And knowing the three of us wouldn't be able to get along, also saddens me.
Don't want to waste my life, looking at skeletons.
I am asking for as much light and healing as you can spare. I am doing my best to support and take care of myself. I have befriended those parts of me I had rejected. I imagine them as little girls , holding hands, the larger one the ADHD, the smaller the Bipolar disorder. I had been seeing them as obnoxious teenagers, but that hasn't served me well. This personification technique has been helpful to me. Still I have all kinds of feelings about having so many challenges. My soul must want to be the most highly evolved one EVER. I am tired of everything in this moment. i am sad, but I'm okay, sort of.
And if anyone can tell me why the wounds are not healing I'd be most appreciative.
@ghandigirl I am so sorry that you’re struggling so much and hope you find the right answers regarding the new meds and your illness. Holding you in healing light and the utmost compassion for your suffering. ??
@ghandigirl my heart goes out to you so much right now. I’m holding you up in prayer and love. I hope the doctor can make adjustments that will provide some relief. Please know that we are all here. We can reach out and send you spiritual support to keep you afloat. Hang in there and know you’re not alone. You may feel that way but we will be here waiting for you. I’m sending you love and peace to wrap around you like a soft blanket. Prayers for soothing your mind and soul. Friendship always, there when you need it. Peace dear one. ❤️
@ghandigirl, damn girl. Really bummed out that you're so down. I wish so many good things for you and it is disheartening to read that your battle isn't over. I cannot help you medically, but as somebody who has struggled with Bipolar disorder I can tell you that it takes time. You've sustained some large wounds. Next to that you made a big change in your life moving out. Then you have the empty nest syndrome with your daughter not being there.
Suffering from Bipolar D makes everything larger, more intense. My guess is that is what you are going through: grief, magnified. Loss, magnified. To be able to build something new takes time, willpower and strength. I know you have strength and hopefully time too. I just hope that the negative feelings, the pain, doesn't sap your willpower away. Don't let it. Fight it. Start with finding small pinpricks of light in your life and slowly enlarge them.
The only upside from feeling down and out is just that: the only way is up.
Hope you can celebrate Thanksgiving with your girl. Christmas too. Make new memories, start new traditions. Love is coming straight at you in rays of good vibrations. Big virtual hug. ❤️
Prayers, Light and Love Ghandi Girl.Sending Healing Energy as you seek to Balance. A thought just popped in my head. "Our emotions are indicators... to call attention to things we need to shift , to heal, to clear, to celebrate, to share , to see Joy in and so much more. Sit with these emotions - ask what they are telling you. Know too that the medications affect you and that they may need tweaking. Allow yourself to sit with your fogginess... then ask your body where it needs attention and relay any needed changes to your medical team. Allow yourself to feel the emotions of sadness, regret, unhappy with the changes, all of them... and ask what is the bottom line root base of these emotions... accepting and feeling loved? You are loved, just as you are, you are worthy of love ..just as you are, you now love and approve of yourself and where you are, just as you are"
I feel like I'm in the "last battle." One day I'm doing okay, then the next day I'm an inert, bed-bound mass of flesh and all i can do is process all of this angst, anger, and regret that has been accumulating my entire life, really, but has only come to the surface in the past few months. I've had a feeling since January that something frightening and momentous would happen to me by the end of the year, possibly related to my health condition. Then when COVID descended, I thought that perhaps I'd go through a bout with CV19 (I did have a traumatic experience with pneumonia 3 years ago). Or possibly it would be a combination of the two scenarios. But now it seems like the last battle may not be what I imagined at all and is instead this roller coaster of going through this emotional mangle.
And this is what it’s like. I feel heartbroken every day, even when I’m doing better. I’m suddenly very aware of how much I’ve lost and how many opportunities I’ve missed out on, and even the faintest recollections can feel like a gut punch. I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps every day just to make sure I’m getting basic self-care and work-related tasks done, and sometimes I’m more successful than other times. A part of me knows I have to do this in order to grow and manifest my desires, but I still have moments where I’m either yearning for the abyss or howling at my spirit guides like a petulant teenager.
Part 2
Ultimately, I’m at battle with myself, not my health condition. My symptoms are a manifestation of an internal personal and collective dynamic. Studying my natal chart has also helped me understand that my biggest barriers in life would be mental barriers I erect myself; retrospectively, I can see that pattern in my life, and I feel it right now. I’ve bad so many instances lately where I’ve wanted to give up, as recently as yesterday. It would help if I knew when this would all pass. I feel like there will be relief waiting after the winter solstice or New Year, but I’m not sure of that. I guess part of the journey involves not knowing what lies ahead.
I’m not sure what I want out of posting this, other than sharing how hard things are right now. I just ask that no one responds with messages along the lines of “I can’t imagine how hard it’s been” or “I’ve never dealt with the issues you’ve faced.” Reading sentiments like that just makes me feel worse because they make me feel even more isolated. I also don’t need any more suggestions right now of practices “I ought” to be doing. I’ve received lots of tips from this forum, but anything additional right now would make me feel more overwhelmed. My job is to use the knowledge that’s already been given to me in order to get through this time.
@ghandigirl I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. Holding you in my prayers and sending you lots of hugs.
share the love and light
Tomorrow I go for a second opinion.
I am scared.
Please send me energy and light at 2:30 EST.
I had a vision of my father this morning. A young friend was in need and I had started to pray. My father's photo popped on by itself on my computer and I could see him in my mind/vision and see he was talking, although I couldn't hear him, but I then got what he was showing me. Some of it was health related.
A vision of Moses in stained glass looking like the World card. The color red, a not fully shining sun light showing in the red, making it darker. all of that is about my health. After the vision I wrote down all my symptoms and questions to ask the doctor. I believe my father wanted me to do this.
Today my child invited me to call her. It was a miracle. I was nervous. But I know it was a blessing. I had written that I miss her. There is still love there.
Hope I'm not seriously ill. Hope the new specialist can help. Hoping, hoping, hoping. Still in pain, still with troubling symptoms. I will pray for answers. I will pray for healing. I will give thanks for the vision and the conversation with my child.
@Coyote- I am sorry to hear of your struggle. For me, it helps to write gratitude lists. When I focus on what is left, I feel better. When I focus on what I lost I feel grief. The challenge is to bring my focus back to what is left over and over, as needed. Sometimes I allow myself the grief. Feeling is an act of bravery. Reframing the feelings is an act of self love.
Oh my dear dear friend. You are a Grand Mother Tree. It's in our roots and flows up from the earth in our dna and in hearts, our gifts and even in our art just as it does in so many here! You can do this all of it as your branches reach out to sway instead of breaking in the winds of transformation. We are all evolving now for our call to action is so strong now. Each and every thing that happens now is part of our cellular and energetic growth.
Because of our work, our learning through challenges and not truly jusr "inspite of them" we are part of the old growth forest along with other elders and wise women crones and all our tribal cronies we nurture in our grandmother tree circle.
Love to you our beautiful sapling! You are so good, so strong and so very loving, You are deepvin my heart!
You are both (all!) surrounded by a score of angels and so very loved! "We have you. We are with you, we will guide and help you through anything and everything!"
There’s a pervasive sadness in the air and while I thought I was alone in this brooding and deep sadness, people have been alerting me in all venues to their suffering too. I didn’t even jump on the meditation circle last night bc I thought I’d be only a hindrance. That’s not a call for sympathy but a genuine internal struggle.
I'm a mom trying to quiet the maternal longing for my sons. It’s been nearly a year and a half since I’ve seen my oldest. He lives in LA and obviously it’s not wise to travel, esp w my husband’s compromised health. My youngest son’s gf works in a hospital emergency rm so seeing him/them isn’t happening either until there’s vaccine etc. I did see him 3x this spring/summer.
I started the morning w thankful gratitude and a meditation to jumpstart my natural optimism. Would love to say it worked but the sadness is part of me now. I accept it and will take the path of least resistance, I suppose. For me, it is what it is until it is no more. If I feel like crying, I cry. My husband never had children so he’s feeling helpless in how to comfort me. I just tell him I’m very sad and not depressed yet.
Going to buy some Christmas ribbon today for the tree going up next weekend. Wrap presents this week to ship then, too. And I spoke to my boys yesterday. The youngest one always has me laughing in about a minute and then he comforts me. The oldest commiserates w me and we comfort each other too. I’m fortunate and blessed to have them—the loves of my life ❤️❤️
You are so loved here and in your other lives! One of the dearest, wisest, strongest most innately knowing spirits to join us here. Hold on to your inner knowing, your inner truth
This is just our season for a reason. The dark winter calls to all of us. But the dark bears the gifts of solitude to use well and wisely to be able to move into our caves even if in not fully understood time of hibernation. Oh how I love my home time even when not by choice. But oh I long for my own children and grand children in my home (and not just for fire evacuations) but out of our new spring time of growth and transformation as the seeds of time (and our isolation-eating belly fat sustains us!
Know to you all reading here that you are loved, you will see your loved ones all again and a time of joy can fully and completely come back into fruition again. For now phone calls and face/duo/zoom times and keeping and finding joy in community helps so much. Just as you gave to yourself with gratitude keep on with all of that beautiful energy that us innately yours to have and to claim.
No one ever brings me or my energies down in any meditation group. If people share fears, or pain, or anger or sadness--i know it is releasing all of those from those holding them. I seek additional understandings and acceptance of incongruity in our polarized human beings of our tribe but always remind myself of my greater true nature, of strength and deep resilience of all our animal, plant, mineral and other kingdoms. Look to your true nature and to theirs as you know so well within.
Keep flowing through the seasons and the reasons through this deep transformation.
Love love love to you all who feel alone, or are scared or angry or any of our darker emotions. They are our teachers but they also harm our earth bodies and add to the collective intensities now. Bring in the light and the love and the gratitude and feed our world with the truth and goodness it so desperately needs now more than ever! ❤ ? ♥
@earthangel. We missed you! It's okay to come to a meditation group when you are sad. One of the most important points of meditation is to let yourself be with whatever is arising. Just let it be, breathe, and your psyche will figure out what to do with it.