At the urging of Jeanne and some others on this forum, for the past week I've been doing guided loving kindness meditations and repeating positive affirmations when I look in the mirror, and I believe that's where my change in attitude came from. Yes, we deserve belonging and friendship, and now I feel quite silly for thinking otherwise for so many years. Because if we don't seek out those pleasures in life for ourselves, the darkness and loneliness grow stronger for the entire collective. So I'm ready to be front and center with my inner light instead of lingering along the edges. I'm hoping you can continue to have fun like you did this past week and find ways to share your light as well, Pacosurfer.
THIS.
This is why I'm Pollyanna in spite of all I've been through. This is why I stick to the vision I saw of Trump in prison stripes. This is the reason I hear news of economic downfalls, and I think, nah. When I dwelled in what I've dealt with in life-deaths, abuse, being a rape survivor, etc., I got more bad things in my wake. I used to joke that Murphy was an optimist (Murphy's law-if something can go wrong it will).
When we continually put out negative thoughts, that's what we get back. Negative results. I don't care if you call them angels, guides, God, the universe-what you think of most is what you get. Think negatively and that's what 'they' think you want to experience. All of us can break the patterns of thinking negatively, and begin thinking in a more positive manner.
About two years ago, my financial adviser and I sat down to talk and plan. After the crash of 2008, like most everyone else who invested in the markets, I lost half of my life savings. I wasn't set up to take such a loss. But I listened. When I watched Eat, Pray, Love, I heard a little voice say "that's for you" when the prophet in Bali told Julia Roberts early in the film, she'd lose all her money, but she'd get it back later. The tarot and my gut told me things would rebound for me. I found myself blurting out to my son that something big would come to me one day. I held on to that belief. I haven't gotten what I lost back, so to speak, but my adviser was amazed that with my finances set up to utilize money from my savings on a monthly basis, math said that I'd drain my accounts, yet I hadn't. Ten years later, they were still holding at the 2008 level. I haven't gotten back what I had, but he said he was curious why I had always told him it would be ok, we'd just keep going as planned before the crash. I told him I continually prayed, and my dreams would then tell me to stay the course, things would be ok. He was amazed at my faith. He was amazed at my bottom line-it hadn't eroded further. I'm still waiting for the return of what I lost, but if I had thought negatively about my situation, that's what I would have produced.
The situation itself doesn't matter-social awkwardness, finances, jobs, love life, etc. What you think of most is what you'll get. Sure, we sometimes get things thrown at us we didn't think of or expect that will fly in the face of positive thinking. Some of that is in our life contract before we came. Some have it in there that they'll deal with loss, leadership, poverty, abuse, etc. Those lessons we can't avoid. Or we agreed to the situation, not because we needed the lesson, but to teach someone else their lesson. We many not always have control of the situation, but we can control our attitudes towards those obstacles.
Just a reminder, watch how you pray or meditate. After I was divorced eons ago, I prayed for ages to have an unconditional love come into my life. I waited and waited-years went by, and it didn't seem to be coming. One day after saying my prayers, my three dogs all joined me on the bed. Then I got it. My prayers had been answered. I had three dogs-all of whom knew nothing but unconditional love for me. Here I was thinking a romantic pairing, but my prayers were for unconditional love-and that had been sent-just in a form I didn't initially recognize. I didn't really want or need the third dog, it was just and uncontrollable urge I had when I saw a news story about abandoned puppies that needed homes. I stopped saying that particular prayer before I became one of those over the top pet people. We sometimes are so busy thinking we know in what form and shape our prayers and wishes will be fulfilled that we miss the fact entirely that they may have been granted in a form we're overlooking.
As Dr. Wayne Dyer used to say "You'll see it when you believe it."
Yes, we deserve belonging and friendship, and now I feel quite silly for thinking otherwise for so many years. Because if we don't seek out those pleasures in life for ourselves, the darkness and loneliness grow stronger for the entire collective. So I'm ready to be front and center with my inner light instead of lingering along the edges. I'm hoping you can continue to have fun like you did this past week and find ways to share your light as well, Pacosurfer. --@Coyote
Just a reminder, watch how you pray or meditate. After I was divorced eons ago, I prayed for ages to have an unconditional love come into my life. I waited and waited-years went by, and it didn't seem to be coming. One day after saying my prayers, my three dogs all joined me on the bed. Then I got it. My prayers had been answered. I had three dogs-all of whom knew nothing but unconditional love for me. Here I was thinking a romantic pairing, but my prayers were for unconditional love-and that had been sent-just in a form I didn't initially recognize. I didn't really want or need the third dog, it was just and uncontrollable urge I had when I saw a news story about abandoned puppies that needed homes. I stopped saying that particular prayer before I became one of those over the top pet people. We sometimes are so busy thinking we know in what form and shape our prayers and wishes will be fulfilled that we miss the fact entirely that they may have been granted in a form we're overlooking.
As Dr. Wayne Dyer used to say "You'll see it when you believe it." --@Cindy
I was thinking when I was at the pub trivia event, "I want to stay here more." And I didn't necessarily mean the event, but on Earth.
Last year, I had a reading with Jeanne. My doctors found a pancreatic tumor, and I thought that meant cancer (and you know the success rate of pancreatic cancer). I was terrified that I had cancer. I asked Jeanne, "Why am I so afraid? I don't like this planet. I don't belong here. I'm tired. Why am I so scared of dying?"
And Jeanne replied, "Because you don't want to leave yet."
And when I was at the trivia event, the fact that a thought popped into my head that said, "I want to stay here" meant that Jeanne was right; It's so easy for me to isolate myself, get dragged down into the muck of negativity of this planet, play the victim role. "Woe is me, I'm an empath...I hate it here, blah blah blah." But I am here, and if I am indeed a light worker, then I need to be around people. No, I don't have to be a social butterfly; I still need lots of recharging time...but that's my reason to be here.
I remember thinking at the socializing I did this past week..."Wow, I'm so surprised how nice and kind everyone was! They thanked me for coming. They were so glad people came out to support their events."
It's so weird that I get so surprised when people are nice to me! But they are.
Luckily, the tumor is benign. The doctor said that with cat scan imaging getting more sophisticated, they are finding tons of people with these non-cancerous tumors in the pancreas. So I just have to watch it, and perhaps possibly have surgery.
So I think I do need to socialize more, but I can be very selective; I'm thinking charity events, non-profit fundraisers, arts, etc...would be good places to start. Being a librarian is also good, because the community college I work at often have cool events. One of my fellow librarians says the community college is a great place, because we are "all broken there." Meaning we are all just trying to do and be better, work on our goals, learn new things, etc...
I want to thank everyone for their responses. I do say that when I left the social events, I'm glad i was leaving, but I'm also very glad I went! And I'd like to slowly get more involved in other of the events they hold.
I want to thank everyone for their responses.
And I want to thank YOU for having the courage to post the truth of what you are feeling and allow that part of you that is in each of us to see the light of day.
This is why I'm Pollyanna in spite of all I've been through. This is why I stick to the vision I saw of Trump in prison stripes. This is the reason I hear news of economic downfalls, and I think, nah. When I dwelled in what I've dealt with in life-deaths, abuse, being a rape survivor, etc., I got more bad things in my wake. I used to joke that Murphy was an optimist (Murphy's law-if something can go wrong it will).
When we continually put out negative thoughts, that's what we get back. Negative results. I don't care if you call them angels, guides, God, the universe-what you think of most is what you get. Think negatively and that's what 'they' think you want to experience. All of us can break the patterns of thinking negatively, and begin thinking in a more positive manner.
Cindy I keep learning from you. Thank you. Today I find myself going through the many statements made by Elijah Cummings. I especially remembered how he handled a contentious argument between North Carolina Republican Mark Meadows and Rashita Tlaib who called out what she considered a racist narrative by Meadows. Cummings was tough with Meadows who he said was a friend, and made it clear he was in charge of moderating that debate. Yet he assumed the best intentions of each individual. He also asked Tlaib if she wanted to rephrase her statement. He chose to see goodness in each of them and he settled the issue. Cummings handling begins at minute 4 https://splinternews.com/show-me-the-lie-1832942344
This thread is just so inspiring.
That is all.
LOVE and PEACE
Bright Opal. Your post resonated with me on so many levels: as someone who has been hospitalized for depression; as someone who once rode a train into New York City just so I could jump off of the George Washington Bridge when I was at my darkest day of despair (I never made it to the bridge, and I'm sure angels prevented me from doing so); and as someone who is finally on an upward swing of self-determination. I first read your post when I was returning from the retreat I mentioned above. The retreat was one long multi-day spiritual experience, and reading your words capped the entire thing off: I was in a car with three of my colleagues, and I was in tears. You made me think of all of the beautiful, exhilarating experiences I have left in my life, and they are open to me because, yes, I am the author of my own novel, constantly seeking my heart's desires.
@Laura-f. is right, this thread is radiating with love. And that's all thanks to you, @pacosurfer.
@Coyote - the only thing that kept me from jumping off the GWB in my younger days was the traffic on the Cross Bronx. Ba-Da-Boom... I'm here all week ?
"One of my fellow librarians says the community college is a great place, because we are "all broken there."
Dearest Pacosurfer, Coyote, Lovendures, Bluebelle, Jeanne, Laura F, Cindy (short term memory loss from rarely sleeping) thus I add--and every single other person who reads this or here in this site:
A beautiful and loving discussion by all with so much understanding, acceptance, and compassionate energies extended--inside and out. Just gotta love love love you guys!
When I am exhausted and trust me people who know me in "real/reel" life think my energy is inexhaustible. That's only what I project to the world and I exhibit in person. That's another secret we all carry.
Back when i was seeing energy healing clients three days a week (all for free although some brought me flowers or a piece of pie ?--I always literally collapsed after each 3 hour total session. It took all I had in me--mind, body, intelligence, intuition and spirit-- to bring out the horrible angers, judgments, self-hatred, and enormous fears they-zeach and every single one of hundreds of people carried. Ooof. No wonder we hurt and ache and are exhausted!
When an energy healing was over usually an hour and a half later of it (plus and hour and a half of visiting later to answer questions about what had just happened and why they left "walking on air". They had all erupted with their dis-eases they carried.
They blurted out their deepest selves to me. Told me things theyd never told anyone else, shared deep deep pain. I accepted it all with compassion and loving energy. I knew their pain was simply my pain whether i knew it or not. I knew their judgment was my judgment whether i knew it or not. That's what's real. That's the connection we all share
And for a few days, a week , maybe even 6 months, the ones who had been told they were dying soon were still alive. The ones who hated their fathers,mothers, sisters, uncles, childhood babysitter or someone who had abandoned them, they had compassion for. It seemed like one miracle after another. I thought I was part of their miracle.
But eventually the dying did die, the angry became angry again, the ones who were seeing a therapist, psychiatrist etc. still needed them.
They just kept walking and talking and things still happened. But boy of boy did we have fun! Visions and angels and stories and past lives and so much fun and laughter!
Doctors, lawyers, therapists, people of all religions and none; bravely coming to this little strangers house for they didn't know what. Knocking on her door with big smiles of anticipation and then being part of an experience they or I- barely believed had happened afterwards.???
And me? I kept on helping more people, and more people and more people. Just as everyone here does and is doing. It goes on and on and on.
I learned that every single person that I knew, met or ever would meet was broken. Just like your "community college".
Some of us admitted our brokenness, overcame our fears and by giving and sharing and loving and sharing at every single person we met on ever single bridge (@brightopal ? We learned and learned and grew and blossomed.
And my energy gifts skyrocketed, my intuitions exploded, my visions were mind boggling. And none of it mattered. It was part of our fun. We were all having fun and experiences and feeling loved and appreciated and rewarded by others...just like here.
And the magic and the miracle is always that when we cross that bridge of love, all those padlocks break open and fall off and then our gifts of spirit come pouring out and we are brave and loving and caring and giving and we know how to show gratitude even when we know that person is angry, or jealous, or gossipy, or mean-spirited about us.
Every single person on this site is flawed. Every single person retreats to something when exhausted or a crack appears or a mirror is held up to our face. Whether it is pizza and cartoons, or constantly looking to someone or something else for the answers when all they do is tell us, show us, or share something about themselves that is also a part of ourselves.
Yes, Dorothy you already knew it, had it and could use it all along.
That's my favorite part of all!
The best thing is that yes, this is all an illusion, yes none of this is real( just a movie"reel") and even the very few who are truly where they need to be without needing someone else to mirror their truth, are still the same as everyone else in the maya of the illusion of everything.
We love you, we love each other and every single person here us still a student and still a teacher to someone else .
You are doing fabulously. Everyone. All of us.
But oh, it feels so good to let all the crap out and see all of the cracks in all of our mirrors.
And that's why most of us are still here.
Life is wonderful. Absolutely wonderful, except on the days when it isn't and then we rest
???????
I am reminded of this by Henri Nouwen:
“Our service will not be perceived as authentic,” Nouwen warns, “unless it comes from a heart wounded by the suffering about which we speak. Thus, nothing can be written about ministry without a deeper understanding of the ways in which ministers can make their own wounds available as a source of healing.” (The Wounded Healer, p. 4)
He suffered and suffered greatly but in that great and very deep suffering, he did indeed help others.
I want to thank everyone here. When I first posted it, I was definitely in a victim-mode; I didn't mean for it to come off as depressing. But I'm so glad you all felt it was inspiring.
Today, I did two events--one was a 10-mile driving tour of a local state games land, and later this afternoon, I went to a free storytelling event featuring the work of Edgar Allan Poe. And even though it poured all day, I feel so good that I went out, and risked being seen by others. It's hard for me to sit in a crowd; I often get a headache, which can lead to slight panic attacks. But I always sit near the back. I can still enjoy myself and others, and still feel I can leave if need be. That may be my reality, but it's okay. At least I showed up. I need to keep showing up. I am looking at other events to attend. I'm a light worker (or else I wouldn't be on this forum), as we all are...but as long as I keep showing up, I will get better. And even though it rained all day, I didn't really feel sad. I felt wet, but not really sad.
Thank you for letting me vent. I don't feel as bad as I did at first. I didn't want to come across as super dopey...just honest.