Empath Self Esteem

This moved me to tears. Rejoice in coming Home to your Self Ghandigirl - You are magnificent!!!

Realizing that in my teaching, I don't have to be perfect.

Restarted a former job and am very rusty. Plus a lot of issues and challenges in my class today,  might actually get in trouble, and was in a panic. Also oversharing recently about my mood stuff...damn because it makes me do stupid things like oversharing.

I have suffered a lot in my profession, especially with the bipolar disorder, and was starting to punish myself, as usual. 

But as I berated myself I said also, "Well nobody's perfect. For the three dumb mistakes I made I did at least 3 or more things correctly." And it dawned on me that this lifelong perfectionism is holding me back.

As part of this empath self esteem thread I will try to share things like this. It helps me feel not so all alone and struggling. It also helps to write it down. 

@ghandigirl 

I'm only just seeing your first post in this thread right now. It's incredible and brought a big smile to my face. I'll have to come back again tomorrow when I'm not so tired so that I can appreciate it fully.

I wrote this to a friend today who is struggling very much with depression. I copy it here in the hope of helping someone today who is also struggling.

It's an ugly world but there is always still beauty. I work with kids so I am reminded on a daily basis of the beautiful, innocent nature of our souls, we are all old children,
and on the daily I see the beauty and goodness in the world. There's an expression, "What you Focus on Grows" I turn my attention to the beautiful, even if it is the sun shining, or some rain, or the flowers in my garden. I observe kindness in most people, not these mentally ill lunatics, who are dying out, literally. I send them love anyway, while keeping my distance. When I focus on the good, it multiplies. I also focus on the good in me. That's a little harder but I have learned to act 'as if", as if I am not anxious, as if I am not depressed, as if I at least will welcome thoughts of forgiveness, especially self forgiveness, and I send out light and love to the world, through my thoughts, prayers, and deeds. We can be the change we wish to see in the world. Each action a ripple, rippling outward. Love anyway. Be a light for yourself and others (which you are).

-Be the Change

love, Ghandigirl

Posted by: @ghandigirl

and on the daily I see the beauty and goodness in the world. There's an expression, "What you Focus on Grows" I turn my attention to the beautiful, even if it is the sun shining, or some rain, or the flowers in my garden. I observe kindness in most people, not these mentally ill lunatics, who are dying out, literally. I send them love anyway, while keeping my distance. When I focus on the good, it multiplies. I also focus on the good in me. That's a little harder but I have learned to act 'as if", as if I am not anxious, as if I am not depressed, as if I at least will welcome thoughts of forgiveness, especially self forgiveness, and I send out light and love to the world, through my thoughts, prayers, and deeds. We can be the change we wish to see in the world. Each action a ripple, rippling outward. Love anyway. Be a light for yourself and others (which you are).

Absolutely love this.  This also belongs in the How Can You and I Evolve thread - I try so hard to do many of these things but - I'm definitely a work in progress.

While moving I came across a transcript of sorts of a conversation I had with my daughter two years ago after I left a 22 year marriage. It reduced me to tears. I knew after reading it again she would never visit my new house. I knew it was wrong, what she believed about me. I wrote to her and expressed what I couldn't at that time. And she responded with silence. In that transcript I wrote "Will this pain ever end?" And I think the answer is no. Some days it is too much to bear.

I also came across writing I did when I had a psychotic break and felt horrified for myself. I threw out ALL of my old journals and that transcript, and the bipolar writing. I don't journal anymore, other than here. Revisiting my past thoughts brings me no comfort.

Finding these things and even partially reading some of them before trashing them left me feeling unbelievably depressed. My feeling is I am unliked, and maybe even unloved by my child. I began to dislike myself too this week. 

I have to work harder than ever to continue to forgive myself my past mistakes. Her silence and distance is heartbreaking. But I can't stay in that pain. It just drags me down.

So I bake, and sketch, and sing. Sometimes I sing sad songs for her, missing her. Other times I try to listen to uplifting songs. But always I am missing being a mom. Her mom. It's really hard feeling that every step I take is a step away from her. 

I see no light, I see nothing but tears for me. 

I don't understand why it has to be this way with her. I feel like I am the worst mom, and it is taking a toll. I try to comfort myself. Hope for divine help.

@ghandigirl Don't give up hope that she will eventually come around to understanding that  YOU are not the symptoms that bipolar can sometimes display. I pray that she sees your heart and that you will find peace.

Question: In the past week or so, has anyone else experienced an uptick in their empath sensitivity?  For some reason, my ability to feel when something is immediately about to happen is on fire!  Usually it is the mundane-- the dryer going off, the toaster popping, the schoolbus arriving.  It's quite interesting.   And my physical response to the collective energy is also more sensitive. I am just wiped out.  I am guessing it is the focus on Ukraine...

@jovesta Things have felt very heightened in the last week or so, definitely in response to the situation in Ukraine. Both of my daughters have had some glitches in their routines and I wonder if some of the mood problems are in response to that as well. You definitely are not alone!

Good.  Because I am about to go off on someone if I hear anymore whining about gas prices! OY!!!  I'm smiling.....  lol

@jovesta Just realized this morning that we are heading into the 2-year anniversary of the last "normal" week before the first pandemic lockdown on March 13, 2020. I imagine there could definitely be some seasonal trauma reverberations going through the collective at this time for that reason, too.

@ghandigirl  you are a beautiful soul, full of love.   I hope you don’t feel this way for too long.  When I get into rough spots with those I love (kids, family) I give myself time and space for forgiveness.  I ask for it and try to give it to myself.   I always hold out my hand for reconciliation but even if it doesn’t happen I tried.  I’m sending you love, peace and hope.  ❤️

@febbby23 

Thank you.

It has been a rough week or two, what a nice surprise. You said exactly what I needed to hear,