@tgraf66 That is beautiful. Thank you for being such an inspiration here.
I nominate this post for The Hall of Fame. The writing is exquisite and the message is on point.
I struggle most with self forgiveness. Always have.
I happened upon this thread tonight. It had the label" new" with my name being the last posted comment so I was curious about what I had written.
I was drawn to read your post and it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
I find it difficult to let go. I see that I have to because every day I become traumatized with thoughts of failure, reliving past hurts. Feels like my past Intruding on my present, hijacked in an out of control vehicle.
I don't want to spend every day upset. This helps.
I think it’s safe to say my dearest guides encouraged me to open this thread today. I’m staying w my parents for the 2nd week in a month’s time. Not back to back. I’m in peace despite my mother’s narcissistic and mean-spirited tendencies. It’s not old age. She’s always been a rude, judgmental, cruel person behind a sweet caring public facade. She never was a real mother to me in the supportive loving sense. The beauty in my story is that through a lot of hard work in seeking help w this toxic person, I discovered that it’s ok for me not to love my mother or even to like her. I can’t shut her out completely and am doing my part to help them—mostly as cook and chauffeur—as she recovers from an eye procedure. But I’m not disrupting my life completely and my beautiful empowerment of 2024 is saying “No” when I can’t do something. I recently said to “no” to running for the school board again. I simply need more time for me. My soul is commanding me to do so.
I’m choosing to do the right thing as a human being and to help out my sibs within reason. I recognize my mother’s apparent mental illness and my psychic knowledge that she suffered from sexual abuse when young. She fears everything, has chronic anxiety, and her twisted powerful ego prevents her from treating well the ones she’s closest to. It’s not just me she treats poorly.
I guess I’ve forgiven her but I’m not really sure. I don’t wish her harm nor foul. Yesterday, I asked my guide/my Nana—her mother—to calm down her daughter’s toxic a** Lol Nana is a powerful guard for me along w Papa. Instead, I had/have a strong soothing feeling of protection. Thank you, Nana! My mother hadn’t lightened up much anyway.
I realize it’s not my job to fix my mother; she’s beyond fixing in this lifetime. I won’t abandon my parents completely even though there are 3 other sibs. My physically unwell Dad exhibits his fair share of anger, fear, and hatred for others. All while proclaiming his goodness. It’s a lot on all of us w both of them. But I’m at peace! At last. And it’s wonderful. The idea of forgiveness isn’t profound for me at this time bc I dug myself out from under the awful feelings of frustration and anger and dread to be around them. Perhaps it is forgiveness, but but it feels more like a welcome void and I have no regrets or shame. I’m grateful for however I got here bc it’s taken 66 yrs!
Peace to all of you and know that your peace of mind and sanctity of self are everything. I wish you hope and love in getting there.
@earthangel Wow! That's amazing-where you are. It sounds very healthy and peaceful. I have a very similar relationship with my mom. And I too just can't cut off contact. She needs me, and we know it, though she's a mean old biddy sometimes. I struggle with her abandonment though. If I didn't keep in touch, she wouldn't. I cant seem to shake that pain and would like to. The way you've described how you've come to terms with it without cutting her out gives me hope that I can move on someday. I certainly aspire to. I truly appreciate your sharing.
@impassionate it is amazing and I can say that I didn’t know if I’d ever arrive here. I spent many yrs denying the “abandonment” to the point that during therapy yrs ago (for marital abandonment aka repeating negative patterns), I couldn’t even remember my “abandonment issues.” I literally would forget the word/concept of abandonment.
I use my belief in/connection to my guardian angels and their beautiful gifts to release toxicity. Literally asking—aka begging at times—to be free of these awful trials and turbulances works for me. And of course, my spirit guides help too.
I’d also say that growing and evolving into my psychic abilities helps me personally. When I see and “know” the pain that some people carry, I can release it bc it’s not mine. I realize it has nothing to do w me and I wish/ask for a more peaceful love and acceptance of myself. I used to spend time trying to surround them w healing light but that also kept me tethered to their pain & suffering. (Light healing has worked/helped w good hearted kind people.) My current focus may sound selfish to some perhaps but I can be healed most by healing myself and surrounding myself w protective loving kindness and light. I find that this practice creates a sort of force field that their anger and fear etc can’t penetrate. I believe it can also keep their angst separate from me. My mother actually is a lot calmer w me than she is w my sister who wants to bulldoze my mother. Two bulldozers create a big pile of dirt while I’m over here in my tub of warm bubbles.
It hasn’t been easy and it’s taken a long time. For yrs, psychics have told me that I’m surrounded by powerful angels, but I didn’t ask for help. I realized that the abandonment creates this hesitation bc i didn’t believe i could count on anyone! But I tried it at a very low point and it worked. And still works. Thank you, angels & guides & me!
1. I spent many yrs denying the “abandonment” to the point that during therapy yrs ago (for marital abandonment aka repeating negative patterns), I couldn’t even remember my “abandonment issues.” I literally would forget the word/concept of abandonment.
2. I use my belief in/connection to my guardian angels and their beautiful gifts to release toxicity. Literally asking—aka begging at times—to be free of these awful trials and turbulances works for me. And of course, my spirit guides help too.
3. I’d also say that growing and evolving into my psychic abilities helps me personally. When I see and “know” the pain that some people carry, I can release it bc it’s not mine. I realize it has nothing to do w me and I wish/ask for a more peaceful love and acceptance of myself.
4. I used to spend time trying to surround them w healing light but that also kept me tethered to their pain & suffering. (Light healing has worked/helped w good hearted kind people.)
5. I can be healed most by healing myself and surrounding myself w protective loving kindness and light. I find that this practice creates a sort of force field that their anger and fear etc can’t penetrate. I believe it can also keep their angst separate from me.
6.My mother actually is a lot calmer w me than she is w my sister who wants to bulldoze my mother. Two bulldozers create a big pile of dirt while I’m over here in my tub of warm bubbles.
7. For yrs, psychics have told me that I’m surrounded by powerful angels, but I didn’t ask for help. I realized that the abandonment creates this hesitation bc i didn’t believe i could count on anyone!
So much wisdom in your post that I had to separate out the points so I could better remember them. Thank you, @Earthangel.
I will always remember for years to come the great joy of running into you in a NYC art museum, and the kindness and light in your face. Thank you for calling out my name or I would have missed you! Thank you for these words of wisdom you have given us today.
@ghandigirl I just noticed that on 11/2/22 in this thread, you nominated someone's post for the Post Hall of Fame, but you never posted it there. I tried to figure out which post it was but could not. Would you post it there for us? I have enjoyed reading over those Hall of Fame posts from time to time. They exude such wisdom!
@jeanne-mayell You’re welcome. I believe it truly was a serendipitous meeting to bring me back to the Forum. I’m grateful too for the warm shared hug and conversation.