@Natalie I am so sorry for the awful pain you and Jake are going through. I am impressed at how beautiful and loving your whole family is. You all loved her and you were there for her passing. People stopped their lives and came to her side. All this love is a blessing, for all of you, and for her.
As for the chaotic feelings you get when you try to sense her, she will be able to rest better once the family comes to terms with her drinking and her passing.
A healing and life-saving ritual I learned from a Buddhist teacher years ago after my first husband passed in a terrible state, is to set up a little alter in the home with a candle. At day break each morning, the departed one will meet you there. Light the candle and say three things to her:
1) Thank you. 2) I'm okay, and 3) You can go now.
Jake may not be able to do this, but if he wants to, you can even do it together. I'm not a morning person so I would set my alarm, get up and do it, and go back to bed.
I was in my early thirties at the time. You are supposed to do this right after the person passes, but it was five years before I learned about it. Given how traumatic my loss was, I probably wouldn't have been ready during the first five years. So when the time came, I did as instructed which was to do this ritual every morning for 55 days. During this time, I would sob when it came to the part where I had to say, "I'm okay."
I wasn't okay! But just saying it to him helped me to work through my grief. By the end of the 55 days, I felt a huge weight lifted off my back and fly away. It was incredible how powerful it was, and I hadn't had the spiritual training or beliefs I have now. I also could tell he was there. One morning I overslept and had the most vivid dream of him standing there waiting for me.
This work is both for the bereaved as well as the departed person. How can someone leave peacefully when the family is not at peace? How can someone leave peacefully when they had been living a lie?
Please give it time, and, since you are an incredibly open and honest person, stay open and honest about it all. That will help Jake, as long as you can be patient with him. It is so much harder sometimes for men (not all men, of course) to feel truths they don't want to feel about their mothers. I know you love Jake, and well, hearing about him from you, I love him too. He's so kind and patient and loving. Perhaps part of his easy nature is that he tries to let the harsh stuff slide off of him, but sometimes that is because chooses not to think about it.
@natalie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I do get a sense that your mother in law is indeed still holding onto the grief and despair that you felt and it is hindering her passing. It is from the trauma that caused her alcoholism in the first place. Don't worry though, it is very temporary. She is being cared for from the other side, but it is up to her to choose when to let go of that energy and see the path that awaits. Since that energy is a product of this world, you have the power to help clear it away for her. During your next meditation, focus on your mother in law and the pain, grief and despair you sensed previously. Next, imagine a giant vacuum coming from the center of the universe hovering over her. Visualize that vacuum sucking up all the negative emotions that surround her and white light rushing in to replace the darkness. You will know in your heart when the task is completed. Hope this helps.❤️
Prayers of remembrance for the people lost on 9/11.
Prayers for the families and friends still grieving and healing.
Prayers that our nation may once again find a way to come together for the common good, in love, kindness, hope and compassion. That our actions may demonstrate the best of humanity.
Gratitude for the lessons learned, to not take any day for grated, to love fully and with purpose.
Gratitude for those who ran toward danger to help and those to who bonded together to heroically prevented further tragedy that day.
Prayers for those still afraid of flying, of what might happen next and of people who look different than themselves.
Prayers that we can heal that which manifested from that darkest of times 20 years ago and the 20 years of war since.
May we always find the lighthouses during the storms.
May peace prevail on earth.
Thank you everyone, your words are beautiful and mean a lot.
I suppose I'll address a few things here that were brought up by all of you, I'll try not to overshare. My husband Jake is enormously loving, caring, compassionate, intelligent, hunky, beautiful etc.... I mean he's a dream, I married way out of my league. But Jeanne is right when she says that he is not good at facing harsh truths, he never has been. Previously I hadn't really thought about why that might be the case, as I'm the complete opposite, I will face any truth head on like a bull (I'm a Taurus, he's a Cancer). So I've always just tried to force him to face things with limited success. He does let the harsh stuff slide off him, whereas I don't and sometimes I've railed against him for being too easy going - but maybe that's why, maybe it is because he was never able to face what was happening to his mom.
It had not previously occurred to me either that we wouldn't stop everything and go be by her side, or that other's would too. I guess I just took it for granted that she was the heart of the family, it never occurred to me to question her role or importance. But now I realize that there are many people alive today who wouldn't get that same treatment in a similar situation. There are many people who are not loved like that, but she was, is and deserves to be.
To me she was always very kind, loving, encouraging and understanding. She knew I loved her son and as a result she loved me. She helped me plan my wedding, being with me for wedding dress fittings, cake tastings etc.... My wedding would not have happened without her. I miss her.
For a long time I didn't see the demons she was facing, she hid things very well. When I finally understood what was happening and what happened to her in her early life to cause such trauma I was shocked, heartbroken and unsure of how to help.
Addiction is a disease, but not one easily understood. I failed to understand in time and I think all of us in her family did too that what starts out as a coping mechanism eventually becomes a physical need, something that causes withdrawal symptoms if not ingested.
Jeanne I will do the ritual you mentioned, thank you for giving it to me. Frank thank you for perceiving her too, I will try to meditate on it soon.
One more thing before I sign off. Her mother is living in an assisted living facility in Arkansas, she has taken this loss very hard. However if she had protected her daughter in childhood, then maybe this could have been prevented. As my own mother is a selfish piece of work, I understand the resentment a daughter can feel, and my mother in law never forgave her mother for what had happened to her. Is there a lesson in this? Can I forgive the past as happened to me and those I love, can anyone of us heal?
I'm sorry, this is heavy.
Love to all of you.
Natalie
What you wrote is so honest & beautiful. It is hard to really know when someone is struggling, especially when they keep it well hidden. I am sorry for your loss.
I hope we can all learn to forgive the past with an open heart. My love to you and your Jake.
@lovendures prayers for what 9/11 and prayers for the 18th of September...this coming Saturday which is a critical point in time I feel: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/sep/12/capitol-fence-congress-january-attack?fbclid=IwAR1mcMcpHC2KM9TCxVpJuFHI2-qkjYxdRCItNCR_s0eON2jZb7FdXUqIAjc
@lovendures beautifully said ?
Hello! It's Andrew... and my wife Camille has a A Fib and they can't seem to get her heart rate down - she was in hospital for three days (we were in Flagstaff 7000 feet!!! which is bad for A Fib) who knows. So good thoughts for her and my goodself as we move through this health issue...Thanks!!!
Hello! It's Andrew... and my wife Camille has a A Fib and they can't seem to get her heart rate down - she was in hospital for three days (we were in Flagstaff 7000 feet!!! which is bad for A Fib) who knows. So good thoughts for her and my goodself as we move through this health issue...Thanks!!!