I have come to some realizations lately that have helped me to experience a paradigm shift.
It began with a dream where I heard myself say,"I am confused." and it has ended up with me finding a way out of daily grief and unforgiveness towards myself and others. I felt like I was drowning for years.
I have rediscovered the joy of being alive, having running water, plenty of food, kitty companions, amazing friends, and a very supportive and loving partner through life's adventures.
I am learning to accept my mood disorders at least a bit more and also to lightly extend a loving hand towards my child.
I want to thank all of you here for being an uplifting network of support. You liked me even when I didn't like myself. You have taught me a lot over these last many years that I have been a forum member.
Now more than ever I realize how very fragile life is and that we must live it gently. I also know how strong we are, and how bright the light is, even with all the efforts of those who would have us blindly walking and stumbling in that moonless forest of Cindy's.
I am returning to my true nature, of being a gentle steward and helper. I am feeling much better. I am ready for the future, and hope to have many more years here on Earth. We are not promised tomorrow, but if I can live and stay brightened, I feel my life will have been more than I ever even dreamed of or imagined for myself.
Gratitude feels so much better than despair and I am overwhelmingly grateful to no longer be flattened in the mud as I have been for more years than I can bear to admit. So on this Rosh Hashanah , where all new things are possible, I rise.
@ghandigirl I wish I could love, not like this multiple times. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ You deserve peace, calm and joy. I’m very happy for you and will pray that it continues always.
@ghandigirl, thank you for sharing your joyful and hopeful message with us. I've always been in awe of your honesty and resilience, and I know how hard you've worked to arrive at this peaceful place.
Your message is a gift to all of us -- as are you.
@ghandigirl I second what everyone else here has said! I am so happy to hear your joyful message and read of you finding yourself in a place of peace. As @deetoo said, we have all seen how hard you have worked to get to this place. You and your message are indeed a gift to us!
Hi Everyone
I know that I almost never post on here anymore and so what I'm about to write might be ill advised but I need to get my thoughts and feelings out, if only because I haven't been able to do so yet. This might not be a coherent narrative but I need to get this out.
The last week of July me and my husband were preparing to drive down to New Jersey from Boston to visit my father and step mother. We hadn't seen them since before the pandemic and now that all of us were vaccinated we had been eagerly looking forward to our visit.
On Saturday morning Jake (my husband) had a missed call from his father. We had laundry in the wash and were packing up to leave once it was done. Jake stepped outside to call his father back, a few minutes later he comes in and says that something is wrong with his mom. He thinks everything will be ok, his father is not very communicative about the details, but there's a nagging feeling all the same.
Within minutes the phone rings again and this time the news is bad, but still not as bad as it will get. My father in law says that she went into cardiac arrest and was on life support in the hospital in York ME. He didn't want to call us because he knew we were planning on driving to NJ and he didn't want to alarm us but he felt he had to.
Jake was in shock, he sat down and wasn't sure what to do. I immediately called my father, told him what happened and canceled our trip. I got everything out of the laundry, put out extra food and water for the cat, grabbed our luggage and dragged Jake to the car and convinced him to drive to the hospital.
Nearly 2 hours later we arrived. She was in the ICU on life support. It was then that we were told the truth. For years I had known that she had a drinking problem, but having no experience with alcoholics in my immediate family I didn't understand how serious it was. I had spoken with Jake many times over the years about his mother's problem, he never thought it was as bad as it clearly was, she was a quiet drinker and so it wasn't always obvious.
About a month before this we had visited his parents in Maine for the first time in over a year, they had specifically told us not to visit previously because of the pandemic. They were now vaccinated and and so we came. On that trip I immediately noticed a difference in her, and it was terrifying and yet again I couldn't get Jake to take it seriously, nothing I said seemed to sink in, I don't even know if it sinks in now.
Jake told me that day in June that his mom who was always a spectacular cook would have something prepared for us for dinner once we arrived, so we chose not to eat before we left. When we arrived she was dozing in her recliner, there was nothing to eat and she couldn't be bothered to get up. Her long blonde hair had gone completely gray and she was lethargic, depressed and didn't seem like herself.
That weekend was terrifying for me and I kept trying to get Jake to notice and take action. The house was filthy, like really filthy. She was constantly just dozing on the couch, her glass of vodka on the little table next to her. There was a major conflict brewing between her and her youngest son James and his fiancée because they refused to get vaccinated and had voted for Trump. But nothing I said changed anything - and this is what now weighs on me - I want to scream when I think about it.
So back to that moment in the ICU in July, the story that came out was more than I could believe, understand or process then or now. The night before which was a Friday Jake's father finally forced his wife to go to the doctor, she had been avoiding it for 15 years and now she was dragged there almost against her will. Tests had been run and it was discovered that she had severe cirrhosis of the liver as well kidney failure. She was transferred to emergency where she began to go through alcohol withdrawal, this caused cardiac arrest and she was put on life support. Her brain had been deprived of oxygen for a time and this had caused brain damage, this coupled with multiple organ failure meant that she was essentially a vegetable, there was no hope of survival. Had the cardiac arrest not happened she would have needed a liver and kidney transplant, but to even get on that list would have required her to stop drinking, something she never attempted to do.
I had remembered her saying multiple times that if ever she was in a situation like this that she wanted the plug pulled, did she somehow know this was coming? And there we were, my father in law, my husband, my brother and sister in law, all in shock and trying to determine what to do. She had been close with her brother in Nevada, they had spoken on the phone nearly every day and he was now on an emergency flight to Maine with his wife and one of his adult daughters. They were due to arrive the following day and the decision was made not to pull the plug until uncle Steve could say goodbye.
All 5 of us slept at the hospital that night, we picked up blankets and pillows from the family house and slept on the floor. The following day as we were all gathered at her bedside, her brother and family there too another person walked into the room and caused Jake to immediately start crying and get up and give him a giant bear hug. This was a man who had been a childhood friend of Jakes, who was known as my mother in law's third son. Unfortunately my husband had fallen out with him in recent years because of his support for Trump and Qanon. That weekend this man had texted Jake asking if he was going to be around in Maine because he was visiting with his wife and children from Wisconsin. Jake told him what happened but didn't expect him to show up, and he stayed with us for the rest of the time we were there and offered to help us in any way we needed.
On Sunday evening we turned off life support. All of us sat there for an hour and half while she slowly passed away. Every single one of us was in tears there aren't words really for what we all experienced. The following morning as I woke up I felt my shoulder and back were wet, and I realized that Jake had been holding me at night and crying. I love this man more than I can possibly explain, and seeing his pain has been horrible, not being able to make it all go away.
My sister in law took charge afterwards, directing me and cousin Andrea to clean the family home from top to bottom. She promised to start cooking dinner every night for our father in law, and to look after him. We started driving to Maine virtually every weekend.
I still don't know if the reasons for this have been fully processed by her husband and sons. Jake doesn't want to talk about the alcoholism, he accepts that he was wrong about her having a problem but won't discuss it further. He continues to break down periodically, oh god if only I could make everything alright but I can't.
In meditation I tried to get some clarity on what had happened, it felt like a slow suicide and I wanted to see if she had passed over well. I don't think she has, I got a horrific picture of grief, despair, overwhelming emotional pain, it's as if she had gone to hell. Something isn't right, she hasn't crossed over peacefully, and I struggle to understand why this happened and how to move forward.
I'm sorry about the length of this post.
Natalie
You have clearly described your pain, and its depth is heartbreaking. You aren't asking for advice, I know, yet I strongly feel that I should suggest you find someone you can trust, who is outside of the family dynamic, to speak with and to openly share this multi-layered grief. I can and will pray for you and your family, and for the easing of your mother-in-law's passage. I am struck by the power of your love for all who are involved in this difficult time. They are indeed fortunate for your presence.
Natalie, I am so sorry to hear about this tragedy in your family and am sending you and Jake love and the biggest hugs. May you both find peace. May your mother in law Rest In Peace.
I am including Vestralux in this reply, because she will know how to address your questions about your mother-in-law’s spirit passing. Vestralux has gifts in perceiving the spirit world that I can’t even begin to fathom.
It’s good to hear from you Natalie, but I’m sad to hear what you and Jake and his family have been through in these past months.
Dear Natalie, my heart goes out to you for the suffering that you and your family have experienced.
As the child of an alcoholic, I can understand your husband's reaction. Although it sounds like your mother-in-law was a caring person, I'd be willing to bet that your husband had to take on at least some adult responsibilities as a child, in order to cope with her alcoholism. In this environment, you learn that your first order of business is to take care of your parent, and that your own fears and feelings and wellbeing always come second.
There's a lot of magical thinking, too, in the mind of a child of an alcoholic: "If only I had noticed earlier," "If only I had been more proactive," "If only I had lent them that money, taken them to the doctor, checked in on them, drawn a line in the sand," etc. None of this was your husband's fault, but the child of the alcoholic lives in a ghost land where they're never quite sure what was their responsibility and what wasn't.
Perhaps your husband hasn't experienced any of the above. I don't want to presume. But there can be a lot of complicated feelings in a situation like this, that can take time to sort through.
I wish your family peace and healing. And may your mother-in-law be comforted and healed by her guides and the Universe as she transitions from this world.
@natalie I am so, so sorry for your loss :-(