As strong as each of us may feel we are, we still will all have our vulnerabilities. I'm tall and have had weight issues all my life-tho I'm agile as well as strong. Two years ago I had two co workers-both former Marines (one in his late 20's, one in his 40's), comment after an incident at work that they wouldn't want to tangle with me. I'm the type who gives off the vibe to children, the elderly, and more vulnerable women that I'm there to help. I'm always the one in stores being approached for help-asked directions, my opinion on brands, or can I help reach something on a shelf. I have a familiar face to many, and am often asked if I went to school with them or someone they know, or am I related to so-and-so. Yet here were these two Marines saying they feel I wouldn't take any crap from anyone. I was stunned, and somewhat pleased. That's when my authentic self jumped in (sharing too much, and probably being verbose while at it). I found myself noting that I had been in an abusive marriage for far too long, and after Monica died, something snapped and I refused to ever be treated like that again. The look of shock on their faces was memorable. Yet later in the day, worry overcame me to the point that I asked if they meant I was a witch (spelled with a b). Growing strong and overcoming our grooming to be submissive is a process, which has it's peaks and valleys. Two steps forward, one back. Sigh.
I have a trip coming up to move my parents to my house. I love them, but my father is a bigot, very negative, and he's your classic Republican. Faux news is on all the time. After dad's strokes and subsequent carotid surgery, my sister convinced my father to buy her and her boyfriend a house and move in with them. It was a train wreck waiting to happen, and being the nay-sayer, I was deemed villainous by all and reamed out by several of them in rather nasty terms. All their actions were so hurtful that in one night I had two deceased uncles and grandfather sent to me to try and give me comfort. I had never before-or since-had more than one passed relative visit at a time. As one uncle comforted me, my grandfather showed me these actions would mean the drowning of the family. Every negative thing I said would transpire, came to pass.
The results of these actions were my father finding my sister's OD'd body twice -the first time just three weeks after their move. The second time-at six months- she was beyond revival. The short version of this story is to say that while north for my sister's funeral, I was verbally attacked/abused by both my sister's boyfriend and his mother. I defended myself when the mother confronted me in a cruel manner. I wasn't going to be abused by anyone. My father had arranged a dinner and had omitted the boyfriend-dad had said family only and named names. I simply delivered the message as dad related it to me, so I was the one with the target on my back. It wasn't my invitation, and I'd done nothing wrong, but to calm things, I texted the boyfriend with an apology as it wasn't my intent for him to feel neglected. I also then explained by text that I had no reason to think it would be taken any other way as he'd declined every other invitation we extended that week. That set him off- he flew up the stairs lit into me in an f-bomb laden abusive diatribe. I simply shut down and ignored it when I realized he was off his rocker. I thought I'd blown it off until I realized later that night I was in the fetal position in bed, crying uncontrollably, and shivering. All good indicators of the trauma he'd inflicted. The next day dad told the boyfriend that it was dad's mistake, and the boyfriend 'forgave me'. Yep, you read that right. I was the one abused, yet I was the one they thought needed to be forgiven for my 'transgressions' that were only products of their own minds. This same fellow - a vet who's seen active duty, and an 18 year fireman refuses to sell the house my parents live in. He's on the deed and mortgage, so we can't technically sell without his cooperation. Every time my father tries to bring up selling the house, the boyfriend says he'll do what's best for all, acknowledges it is my parent's money, and then he cries. He says he has no where to go, can't afford to support himself, and this house is his last tie to my sister (yes he's got a new girlfriend). He just doesn't know if he could handle losing the house. He put no money into the house, and my parents sunk more than a third of their life savings into the deposit, and the mortgage came from our cousin, but I'm the bad guy for saying it's time to sell the house and move my parents. My parent's health is deteriorating with the stress of living in the house where they had such a traumatic experience. They'll most likely lose their ability to qualify for Medicaid if they move without selling and removing their funds, but I'm the bad guy who's trying to make my parents harm the boyfriend as revenge. And yes, I've had dad to attorney's who have tried to explain all this to him- with little to no progress. Dad can't see himself as a victim of emotional blackmail, and the victimizer claims to be the the actual victim. This correlates well with the mentality of who we are dealing with in the current atmosphere. It's part of the pathology of narcissism and the mental instability of those who believe in conspiracy theories. Trained mental health providers have a hard time dealing with these types, much less the general public.
My sister has come to me in dreams, telling me to tell her former boyfriend what he's done both to me and to my parents. I will not do so. It is not my job to teach him at the risk of my own well being. Unfortunately there's a pervasive mindset to this cult mentality that looking good in other's eyes is more important than looking inward and seeing what is right. The people victimizing others claim to be the victims, and there's nothing that most of us can say or do to convince them otherwise. I was married to a narcissist. I see the red flags more quickly than others seem to do. I see it in my family with my father-tho to a much lesser degree than in my ex. I see that I still wanted to believe in people in general after my divorce, and I overlooked the signs of narcissism in friends I made. The more it comes into your life the more you learn to spot it earlier. They'll paint others as liars or mentally unstable as a form of projection being used in an offensive manner. If they say it first about others, then no one will believe it when it's said of them. If they muddy the waters enough, and create chaos, anyone trying to diffuse it will just be sinking in quicksand instead of making any headway.
I agree with Jeanne. I avoid people with those tenancies when I can. As noted above, I should have known better than to try to defend myself with these types, but I was in such a pressure cooker set of circumstances, I just didn't have the control in that moment. I have sleepless nights before a visit to my parent's home knowing I have tolerate my sister's boyfriend by acting in an inauthentic way to not create waves. I know I can't make any of them understand what they've actually done. Trying to do so will typically just cause me more harm instead of doing any good. I just remind myself it's his Karmic debt that was incurred by his actions. The attorney and I did manage to change the ownership on the deed when we had my sister's name removed without anyone noticing so mom and dad are more protected now than previously. I still have more to do to get them out of this legal quagmire without stressing them to the point of causing a major health issue. Unfortunately, I still get signs when I use the tarot that say dad won't be around much longer. As I noted in the last thread, I still have to work for people with this kind of mentality. They often are more complex than just their political beliefs, but just the same, I don't get into political discussions with them. I try to simply look for the positive.
I'll have no choice but to be around this type of person once I move my parents here. I'll have enough on my plate without worrying about being a warrior right now. All my energies will be focused at home, save for the petitions I sign, or the letters and calls I make to my representatives. I see increasing signs that my daughter is here helping me. Night before last she figured out how to turn on the new audio system, which in turn turned on the tv as it's part of my dvd system now. I got to smile telling my non -believing friends that it wasn't just a short in the old stereo system as they claimed, as it's been replaced and now the new one is now coming on by itself. I'll continue to pray and meditate, and to get alone time in nature. I'm almost done setting up the tv system in my bedroom so that I can have a refuge where Faux news won't infiltrate my space. And I'll remind myself when needed that I'm doing the right thing, even tho aspects of it will be difficult. I'll count my blessings that I have the insight to know who I want to be, how I want to treat others (even if it has a personal cost attached) and the only external forces I seek to please aren't peers, but those from another (higher) realm. Since the current thinking is so often described as emerging Hitler-esque I often wonder if some of those souls aren't here to try and learn what they failed to learn about cult and group mentality previously.
This all reminds me of a favorite old Native American legend:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."
He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
The same fight is going on in side you -and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Thank you Cindy for such a beautiful story of heart strength. I read every word. I see what you are dealing with. I see how the tragedy and trauma of losing your precious daughter Monica has unleashed so much heart power in you. I see how she works through you and how connected you are to spirit guides. You have been an inspiration to others who come to this forum for guidance.
I love the wolfe story you told. There’s a wonderful animated video of the Wolfe story made by Happify.com with my teacher Sharon Saltzberg speaking the voice of the characters. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vzKryaN44ss
She is speaking about the power of mindfulness which helps you to realize when you are feeding the dark wolf. It isn’t easy to know when we are giving away our power to he dark. I feel meditation helps me slow down my fear reactions to negativity enough to turn to the joyful wolf instead. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vzKryaN44ss
Cindy,
I love that wolf story. It is so true. It is so hard to deal with aging parents who continue to cause their own chaos. I am dealing with an issue right now with my own family. Do I let them deal with their own mess or wade in to help? And if I do decide to help, why am I doing it when I know I will be treated poorly and my energy drained? However, if you don't help out, you will be attacked for not caring. It is a horrible choice to have to make, especially for those who are empathetic.
I found Kris Godinez on YouTube. Her show is called We Need To Talk. She is a therapist whose specialty is narcissism. She has been life saver for my husband and me. She is funny too. Check her out.
Thank you for the name of the therapist & her videos TaG! I'll look into it.
One thing that people don't seem to understand about narcissists is that they can be likable individuals. They don't always come across as a narcissist to outsiders who don't have to deal with them as often.
Narcissists can be nice guys, and only when threatened does the mask slip out of place- like my sister's boyfriend. He's served his country, saves lives for a living. In his mind, he's going above and beyond for my parents, and to an outsider, it looks like he's the cat's meow taking on the care of former girlfriend's aging parents. He knows I don't see it that way. He knows my sister and I had a bond that was deeper than what he had with her. I therefore was a threat. I also saw/see the reality of the situation, instead of the facade. That too unnerves narcissists.
I also think he's one who is uncomfortable with a strong woman. That's part of the issue we're seeing in today's society. There are those who believe that women having equal status will take something from them. Just as there are those who believe that social tolerance of things like gay marriage is ruining their way of life ( as an example). It's not. It has no effect on a hetero marriage or on their individual lives. It's just different and therefore uncomfortable for some to accept. Too many people are stuck in the egocentric mindset that says that their way is the best or only way.
Cindy,
There are several types of narcissists. Your sister's boyfriend sounds like a communal narcissist. They want everyone to see them as a pillar of society. They volunteer, pretend to be selfless etc. However, when he realized you could see through his act, you became a threat.
Kris Godinez, the therapist I recommended on YouTube dives into all of that. She also covers dealing with toxic parents, exes, bosses, friends etc. Good stuff to know heading into the holidays. Also, Kris deals with borderline personality disorder. She offers very helpful insight for all of us, especially with what is happening with our countries' leadership right now.
It seems like these jerks all follow the same handbook around the world. And they all seem to be homophobic, misogynistic if male, and racist. It is really their own insecurities and fears that makes them have to put down others to feel better about themselves.
Bad news coming for Brett Kavanaugh this September. A new book, entitled The Education of Brett Kavanaugh, is a tell-sll by the two reporters who were devoted about dogging Kavanaugh during his confirmation hearing. It includes information from the investigators who "were inundated with tips from former classmates, friends, and associates ... Now, their book fills in the blanks." FYI, some YouTube psychics see Kavanaugh being re-investigated and outed for lying in the 2020 time frame. Others simply see his vote being dilluted by more justices being added to the Supreme Court. In either case, they all say Justice Roberts dislikes him very much and thinks Kavanaugh damaged the stature of the Supreme Court.
Jeanne, I found these two re Kavanaugh:
Kavanaugh will be investigated. (Bin) predicted on 6/6/19 for March 2020
Final blow for Trump – Mueller testifies in House. Leads to more legal action and impeachments of members of Congress. Senate Dems involved as well as GOP in taking Russian money. The investigations mean Kavanaugh impeachment possible. (Luminata) predicted 1/17/19 for August 2019
I posted the above comments in the wrong form. I thought I was in the "unravaling" form. Please excuse me.
Yogagirl - you can copy and paste your above text to the correct heading and then return here to delete.
In any case, most excellent rant.