I tend to view challenging people as hurt people. Sometimes, by trying to see the wounded child in them, I can feel more compassion towards them. This shift in my energy can sometimes be enough to change the feeling for me, and sometimes people respond positively. We all feel each other's energy, raising mine can help at times.
Yes, they are hurt. All I have to do is remember my maternal grandmother to know why my mother is the way she is. And my sister--growing up ASD at a time when no one knew about ASD and having a critical mother on top of it-- wow-- she's got a lot of issues on top of the ASD. (Currently she's in therapy doing neurofeedback and EMDR and it is helping but I doubt she will heal in this lifetime.) I probably wouldn't be willing to help these people if I couldn't see their hurt. All I want is a little respect and appreciation and their understanding that I can't fix *everything*. Mainly the latter.
I thought a lot about what you said about raising one's energy to meet the situation. I noticed how I felt yesterday when I took my mom shopping. I think we would have had a more pleasant time if I'd been able to rise above the drama triggers, but I didn't. (I don't respond with more drama, but I don't think I did much to raise the energy either. Basically I tend to remain stoic. ) I need to work on that. Thank you for the insight.
It is easier said than done, but is a good goal.
I also find that the more appreciative I can be of myself, the better I cope. The more I believe I am making a difference, the less I seem to need the external validation. (Old saying- Happiness is an inside job.) It's hard to maintain. Some days I just cry or stew over hurts, real and imagined, but I always just end up tired and further down in the ditch. So for my own well being I try to cheerlead for myself and limit interactions. I am good at detaching from years of practice though, most of the time.
Being well rested is a huge help too. Negativity wears us out. I used to nap before family events for this sole purpose. When rested, my emotions were calmer and I was less reactive, no matter what crazy stuff happened.
When I become angry or take other's low opinions of me to heart, I am hurting myself double.
That being said, we are hardwired to look for love and appreciation. It can feel demoralizing to help people who find fault.
It's a life goal to try not to let outside influences upset the apple cart. I had a terribly unfulfilling job where I felt dismissed and criticiized both, so I just chose to look at the appreciation implied of having a paycheck.I also chose to walk away from that paycheck when the year ended, for less money and much less stress.
Maybe just honor yourself for being commited to others well being even if they don't, can't, or won't return the favor. It shows you are made of tough stuff.
There are a couple of energetic practices I use that may help you in combination with the wise advice others have given.
My brother taught me to "put up roses." Imagine yourself ringed by tall golden roses. They will act as a boundary and a barrier, absorbing the toxic energy around you. These don't have to be roses, or golden. Conjure whatever resonates with you. It could be redwoods, or white candles, or blue pillows, or.... Replenish periodically, because your roses will become droopy and tattered. (I do this before I interact with difficult/needy/challenging people--or when I find myself in that situation.)
The other practice I find helpful is this: before I fall asleep at night I send back all the energy that doesn't belong to me, which people have left with me or I have attracted. In my mind I say, "Spirit, please return all energy that doesn't belong to me to its source." Then I call back my own energy that I've left with others. It helps me feel whole, unpolluted, and strong ("senior in my space," as my brother says).
@gradualgoddess I will try those techniques-- both the putting up a barrier of "roses" and returning the energy that does not belong to me. You are lucky to have a brother like that. Thanks!
@ana I hope it helps you. Yes, I have a wonderful brother. All of my siblings, really. I *am* lucky.