@ana @jeanne-mayell I would like to emphasize all the valuable insights Jeanne has shared. In light of her insightful recommendations, I can envision a future path for you @ana that is full of potential and promise, reminiscent of a pleasant summer day that is bright and sunny, yet not overly hot, just happy and right the way it is. It is possible that, over time, your BF may then experience a sense of greater ease and comfort, also. I would also like to express my sincere gratitude to you, @jeanne-mayell for your so very much valuable contribution. I was very uncertain how to propose some more ideas for overcoming the challenges of that kind of standstill situation as I am not well-versed regarding the US social system. I am very glad that you are so very much capable @jeanne-mayell. @ana, please know that you are in my thoughts and I am keeping you in my prayers for the best possible resolution to your current situation.
@joy @jeanne
I found an Al Anon group near my home. I am planning on going tonight. Maybe someone there will know of resources that can help me with this situation.
I am glad you're reaching out to Al Anon, this is a smart move. May you be guided with light will on this emotional road. May there be healing for you and your BF.
I'm sorry to hear the ER failed to treat you correctly the first time. Ugh!
May your recovery be smooth, quick and with little pain.
@ghandigirl sending loving, healing Reiki energy to help you bounce back from your latest challenge. Be well.
Thanks so much. I only need a sling. The fracture is minor. Still doctoring and off from work.
Al-Anon is a wonderful organization. A sponsor is good to find. You will learn so much. It will open you up. :)
Great news! I saw the surgeon today for my cat scan results. I have a small crack. I don't need therapy. He gave me stretches to do.
I am cleared to return to work and can drive again once the pain is gone.
I feel lucky and so happy!
Shana Tovah to me and all who celebrate. :)
@ghandigirl Oh my goodness, I'm so happy for you, that's just wonderful, isn't it? 🙃
@lovendures @joy The Al-Anon meeting on Tuesday was good. It was almost entirely focused on ways to heal oneself, not so much on dealing with the person who drinks. I will go back next week.
However--- BF really did himself proud (sarcasm) today. I came home from a morning shift at my volunteer job and he was extremely drunk. Staggering drunk. He became verbally abusive when I told him I didn't want to talk to him while he was drunk. I suggested he go to bed, sleep it off, and we'd talk later. And...he wouldn't let me leave the house. I actually had to pepper-spray him multiple times just to slow him down enough so I could get out. It was insane. I can't believe I'm living this. I've never been in such a crazy situation before. I'm out of my house now. I consulted with an attorney. One thing suggested was to report the incident to the police so there would be a record of it to support any legal action. So I did. I am not going back to my house if he is present.
I worked in the domestic violence field long ago and one important statistic was emblazoned on my brain; the most dangerous day is the day one moves out. Please try to accomplish whatever goals you set, without being in his presence.
He is very ill. I lost one of my best friends, a brilliant woman, to alcohol. I felt so impotent and still feel guilty that I couldn’t help her avoid her grim death. Some lectures I attended on addiction made some important points. First, he has little if any “free will” now; his brain has been highjacked. As addictions progress, the addicted truly believe that they will die without the substance. Addictions deplete dopamine (the pleasure hormone) in the brain which means the brain needs higher and higher levels of the alcohol to feel pleasure (tolerance). It takes at least six months of sobriety for dopamine levels to return to normal so during the first six months the addicted person is trying to stay sober, life is devoid of pleasure. One can imagine that it would be hard to stay the course.
I really love Jeanne’s suggestion of some sort of sheltered recovery place for BF especially one run by recovered alcoholics. You are both in a terrible spot; I hope you find the assistance you need. If there is a good domestic violence agency in your area, they can offer some critical advice regarding your safety.
I felt compelled to respond to your plight. As an attorney, please follow through with your police report. As raincloud mentioned before, your boyfriend is in the midst of addiction right now. The threat of losing family, friends, employment, and other things is not enough to make them stop because mentally they are unable to. Also, addicts tend to use emotional blackmail. "If I am away from you, I want to drink more" or "I can't go to rehab because I'll be isolated."
For many people, it takes the possibility of incarceration to set them straight.
In cases similar to yours, the victim files a police report and the defendant is arrested. The district attorney will talk to the victim. Usually, the victim cares deeply about the defendant and doesn't want them in jail, but wants them to get clean.
Some victims dismiss the charges immediately. This is a mistake. First of all, you lose leverage. DAs will often offer plea deals where charges can be probated or dismissed, but only after the defendant enters and completes a treatment program. But this can't happen without the victim's resolve. I have seen hundreds of cases like this and promise you that every single case where the victim dismisses the case without a prosecutorial deal in place for treatment end in disappointment and occasionally in tragedy. It is only the threat of jail time that causes many addicts to take the first step to recovery.
No doubt the defendant blames the victim at first, or often tries to negotiate. "Baby, please drop the charges, and I promise I'll get help." BIG MISTAKE! If he loves you, he should be willing to put himself in rehab first to prove his devotion to you, not the other way around. And the court system is often one of the best means to get into rehab because the court has access to various resources, including grants. Most insurances work with rehab centers too.
My final advice is please not waiver on this path. I don't doubt you care for this man, but no one should live and be afraid in their own home. And by forcing the issue, you may not be saving your own life, but his as well, because addiction gets worse over time, and many people eventually overdose. So please take advantage of the court system for help. Your attorney should be able to help in that regard.
@ana I am holding you in light and prayers. Please do not go back to your house right now, e.g. to get some things you would need, when you are alone without a person who cares for you and would be able to protect you as long as BF has not moved out to a place suited to him right now. However, please keep your courage and faith, and I still see the bright pleasant sunny days on your path. You are right now on this path. And I am sending you lots of hugs.
@ana I don't know what to say other than what others have already said here, but good luck.
As a survivor of domestic violence... if you need to get anything from your shared apartment/house have a law enforcement officer go with you to get it. You can reach out to local domestic violence shelters for a place to stay for a bit if you need to. Do not go back alone, do not engage with him. Make all of your police reports... get copies. Get a restraining order (though they are not worth the paper they are written on) it does show that you have tried to resolve peacefully. You say not going back to your house.... and that you have consulted an attorney. Begin steps to get him our of your house while you seek shelter at the women's shelter. Once he is out and you are back in ? Change the locks etc. If he shows back up call 911. Definitely start counseling for yourself. You need the support as you reclaim your Self and your life. Do not get talked back in to feeling sorry for him and allowing him to stay. You are not a victim... you are a survivor. Sending all the Light,Love and Support your way.
Hi everyone! Wishing you all the best and hoping you are all coping as well as finding the support and help you need. I feel like lately on my end that I live in nothing but stress and anxiety. My living situation is still uncertain and I feel like I'm in limbo until a solution is found. I always try to take things in small measures, enjoy the blessings I have and only focus on what I can control because it is so easy to get caught up in the what ifs instead. Right when I thought I was dealing with about as much I could handle I got really sick. I can't seem to get past this illness this time. Also, I have a cat who is really sensitive to emotions and she seems to have gotten upset over me being sick as well as the stress my whole family is going through--she isn't hardly eating. I have talked about my cat before of how special of a being she is and how much she has overcome. She is a big part of my family as well as who brings a lot of joy into this stresful time. So long winded way of asking, can you please send positive thoughts and prayers for me, my family and my sweet cat who are all a mess right now. Most of my family have either passed on or moved away and we have little support when things go this badly wrong. I appreciate any helpful wishes and energy you can send our way. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope lately and anxiety level is maxed out. Thanks again I do appreciate it.
@liln22 Love and prayers and healing energies to you and all those you love! Don't give in to despair..hold on, better days are coming to you. I hope you can feel the strength and support being sent your way. Blessings and Peace.