I have come to some realizations lately that have helped me to experience a paradigm shift.
It began with a dream where I heard myself say,"I am confused." and it has ended up with me finding a way out of daily grief and unforgiveness towards myself and others. I felt like I was drowning for years.
I have rediscovered the joy of being alive, having running water, plenty of food, kitty companions, amazing friends, and a very supportive and loving partner through life's adventures.
I am learning to accept my mood disorders at least a bit more and also to lightly extend a loving hand towards my child.
I want to thank all of you here for being an uplifting network of support. You liked me even when I didn't like myself. You have taught me a lot over these last many years that I have been a forum member.
Now more than ever I realize how very fragile life is and that we must live it gently. I also know how strong we are, and how bright the light is, even with all the efforts of those who would have us blindly walking and stumbling in that moonless forest of Cindy's.
I am returning to my true nature, of being a gentle steward and helper. I am feeling much better. I am ready for the future, and hope to have many more years here on Earth. We are not promised tomorrow, but if I can live and stay brightened, I feel my life will have been more than I ever even dreamed of or imagined for myself.
Gratitude feels so much better than despair and I am overwhelmingly grateful to no longer be flattened in the mud as I have been for more years than I can bear to admit. So on this Rosh Hashanah , where all new things are possible, I rise.
@ghandigirl I wish I could love, not like this multiple times. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ You deserve peace, calm and joy. I’m very happy for you and will pray that it continues always.
@ghandigirl, thank you for sharing your joyful and hopeful message with us. I've always been in awe of your honesty and resilience, and I know how hard you've worked to arrive at this peaceful place.
Your message is a gift to all of us -- as are you.
@ghandigirl I second what everyone else here has said! I am so happy to hear your joyful message and read of you finding yourself in a place of peace. As @deetoo said, we have all seen how hard you have worked to get to this place. You and your message are indeed a gift to us!
Hi Everyone
I know that I almost never post on here anymore and so what I'm about to write might be ill advised but I need to get my thoughts and feelings out, if only because I haven't been able to do so yet. This might not be a coherent narrative but I need to get this out.
The last week of July me and my husband were preparing to drive down to New Jersey from Boston to visit my father and step mother. We hadn't seen them since before the pandemic and now that all of us were vaccinated we had been eagerly looking forward to our visit.
On Saturday morning Jake (my husband) had a missed call from his father. We had laundry in the wash and were packing up to leave once it was done. Jake stepped outside to call his father back, a few minutes later he comes in and says that something is wrong with his mom. He thinks everything will be ok, his father is not very communicative about the details, but there's a nagging feeling all the same.
Within minutes the phone rings again and this time the news is bad, but still not as bad as it will get. My father in law says that she went into cardiac arrest and was on life support in the hospital in York ME. He didn't want to call us because he knew we were planning on driving to NJ and he didn't want to alarm us but he felt he had to.
Jake was in shock, he sat down and wasn't sure what to do. I immediately called my father, told him what happened and canceled our trip. I got everything out of the laundry, put out extra food and water for the cat, grabbed our luggage and dragged Jake to the car and convinced him to drive to the hospital.
Nearly 2 hours later we arrived. She was in the ICU on life support. It was then that we were told the truth. For years I had known that she had a drinking problem, but having no experience with alcoholics in my immediate family I didn't understand how serious it was. I had spoken with Jake many times over the years about his mother's problem, he never thought it was as bad as it clearly was, she was a quiet drinker and so it wasn't always obvious.
About a month before this we had visited his parents in Maine for the first time in over a year, they had specifically told us not to visit previously because of the pandemic. They were now vaccinated and and so we came. On that trip I immediately noticed a difference in her, and it was terrifying and yet again I couldn't get Jake to take it seriously, nothing I said seemed to sink in, I don't even know if it sinks in now.
Jake told me that day in June that his mom who was always a spectacular cook would have something prepared for us for dinner once we arrived, so we chose not to eat before we left. When we arrived she was dozing in her recliner, there was nothing to eat and she couldn't be bothered to get up. Her long blonde hair had gone completely gray and she was lethargic, depressed and didn't seem like herself.
That weekend was terrifying for me and I kept trying to get Jake to notice and take action. The house was filthy, like really filthy. She was constantly just dozing on the couch, her glass of vodka on the little table next to her. There was a major conflict brewing between her and her youngest son James and his fiancée because they refused to get vaccinated and had voted for Trump. But nothing I said changed anything - and this is what now weighs on me - I want to scream when I think about it.
So back to that moment in the ICU in July, the story that came out was more than I could believe, understand or process then or now. The night before which was a Friday Jake's father finally forced his wife to go to the doctor, she had been avoiding it for 15 years and now she was dragged there almost against her will. Tests had been run and it was discovered that she had severe cirrhosis of the liver as well kidney failure. She was transferred to emergency where she began to go through alcohol withdrawal, this caused cardiac arrest and she was put on life support. Her brain had been deprived of oxygen for a time and this had caused brain damage, this coupled with multiple organ failure meant that she was essentially a vegetable, there was no hope of survival. Had the cardiac arrest not happened she would have needed a liver and kidney transplant, but to even get on that list would have required her to stop drinking, something she never attempted to do.
I had remembered her saying multiple times that if ever she was in a situation like this that she wanted the plug pulled, did she somehow know this was coming? And there we were, my father in law, my husband, my brother and sister in law, all in shock and trying to determine what to do. She had been close with her brother in Nevada, they had spoken on the phone nearly every day and he was now on an emergency flight to Maine with his wife and one of his adult daughters. They were due to arrive the following day and the decision was made not to pull the plug until uncle Steve could say goodbye.
All 5 of us slept at the hospital that night, we picked up blankets and pillows from the family house and slept on the floor. The following day as we were all gathered at her bedside, her brother and family there too another person walked into the room and caused Jake to immediately start crying and get up and give him a giant bear hug. This was a man who had been a childhood friend of Jakes, who was known as my mother in law's third son. Unfortunately my husband had fallen out with him in recent years because of his support for Trump and Qanon. That weekend this man had texted Jake asking if he was going to be around in Maine because he was visiting with his wife and children from Wisconsin. Jake told him what happened but didn't expect him to show up, and he stayed with us for the rest of the time we were there and offered to help us in any way we needed.
On Sunday evening we turned off life support. All of us sat there for an hour and half while she slowly passed away. Every single one of us was in tears there aren't words really for what we all experienced. The following morning as I woke up I felt my shoulder and back were wet, and I realized that Jake had been holding me at night and crying. I love this man more than I can possibly explain, and seeing his pain has been horrible, not being able to make it all go away.
My sister in law took charge afterwards, directing me and cousin Andrea to clean the family home from top to bottom. She promised to start cooking dinner every night for our father in law, and to look after him. We started driving to Maine virtually every weekend.
I still don't know if the reasons for this have been fully processed by her husband and sons. Jake doesn't want to talk about the alcoholism, he accepts that he was wrong about her having a problem but won't discuss it further. He continues to break down periodically, oh god if only I could make everything alright but I can't.
In meditation I tried to get some clarity on what had happened, it felt like a slow suicide and I wanted to see if she had passed over well. I don't think she has, I got a horrific picture of grief, despair, overwhelming emotional pain, it's as if she had gone to hell. Something isn't right, she hasn't crossed over peacefully, and I struggle to understand why this happened and how to move forward.
I'm sorry about the length of this post.
Natalie
You have clearly described your pain, and its depth is heartbreaking. You aren't asking for advice, I know, yet I strongly feel that I should suggest you find someone you can trust, who is outside of the family dynamic, to speak with and to openly share this multi-layered grief. I can and will pray for you and your family, and for the easing of your mother-in-law's passage. I am struck by the power of your love for all who are involved in this difficult time. They are indeed fortunate for your presence.
Natalie, I am so sorry to hear about this tragedy in your family and am sending you and Jake love and the biggest hugs. May you both find peace. May your mother in law Rest In Peace.
I am including Vestralux in this reply, because she will know how to address your questions about your mother-in-law’s spirit passing. Vestralux has gifts in perceiving the spirit world that I can’t even begin to fathom.
It’s good to hear from you Natalie, but I’m sad to hear what you and Jake and his family have been through in these past months.
Dear Natalie, my heart goes out to you for the suffering that you and your family have experienced.
As the child of an alcoholic, I can understand your husband's reaction. Although it sounds like your mother-in-law was a caring person, I'd be willing to bet that your husband had to take on at least some adult responsibilities as a child, in order to cope with her alcoholism. In this environment, you learn that your first order of business is to take care of your parent, and that your own fears and feelings and wellbeing always come second.
There's a lot of magical thinking, too, in the mind of a child of an alcoholic: "If only I had noticed earlier," "If only I had been more proactive," "If only I had lent them that money, taken them to the doctor, checked in on them, drawn a line in the sand," etc. None of this was your husband's fault, but the child of the alcoholic lives in a ghost land where they're never quite sure what was their responsibility and what wasn't.
Perhaps your husband hasn't experienced any of the above. I don't want to presume. But there can be a lot of complicated feelings in a situation like this, that can take time to sort through.
I wish your family peace and healing. And may your mother-in-law be comforted and healed by her guides and the Universe as she transitions from this world.
@Natalie I am so sorry for the awful pain you and Jake are going through. I am impressed at how beautiful and loving your whole family is. You all loved her and you were there for her passing. People stopped their lives and came to her side. All this love is a blessing, for all of you, and for her.
As for the chaotic feelings you get when you try to sense her, she will be able to rest better once the family comes to terms with her drinking and her passing.
A healing and life-saving ritual I learned from a Buddhist teacher years ago after my first husband passed in a terrible state, is to set up a little alter in the home with a candle. At day break each morning, the departed one will meet you there. Light the candle and say three things to her:
1) Thank you. 2) I'm okay, and 3) You can go now.
Jake may not be able to do this, but if he wants to, you can even do it together. I'm not a morning person so I would set my alarm, get up and do it, and go back to bed.
I was in my early thirties at the time. You are supposed to do this right after the person passes, but it was five years before I learned about it. Given how traumatic my loss was, I probably wouldn't have been ready during the first five years. So when the time came, I did as instructed which was to do this ritual every morning for 55 days. During this time, I would sob when it came to the part where I had to say, "I'm okay."
I wasn't okay! But just saying it to him helped me to work through my grief. By the end of the 55 days, I felt a huge weight lifted off my back and fly away. It was incredible how powerful it was, and I hadn't had the spiritual training or beliefs I have now. I also could tell he was there. One morning I overslept and had the most vivid dream of him standing there waiting for me.
This work is both for the bereaved as well as the departed person. How can someone leave peacefully when the family is not at peace? How can someone leave peacefully when they had been living a lie?
Please give it time, and, since you are an incredibly open and honest person, stay open and honest about it all. That will help Jake, as long as you can be patient with him. It is so much harder sometimes for men (not all men, of course) to feel truths they don't want to feel about their mothers. I know you love Jake, and well, hearing about him from you, I love him too. He's so kind and patient and loving. Perhaps part of his easy nature is that he tries to let the harsh stuff slide off of him, but sometimes that is because chooses not to think about it.
@natalie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I do get a sense that your mother in law is indeed still holding onto the grief and despair that you felt and it is hindering her passing. It is from the trauma that caused her alcoholism in the first place. Don't worry though, it is very temporary. She is being cared for from the other side, but it is up to her to choose when to let go of that energy and see the path that awaits. Since that energy is a product of this world, you have the power to help clear it away for her. During your next meditation, focus on your mother in law and the pain, grief and despair you sensed previously. Next, imagine a giant vacuum coming from the center of the universe hovering over her. Visualize that vacuum sucking up all the negative emotions that surround her and white light rushing in to replace the darkness. You will know in your heart when the task is completed. Hope this helps.❤️
Prayers of remembrance for the people lost on 9/11.
Prayers for the families and friends still grieving and healing.
Prayers that our nation may once again find a way to come together for the common good, in love, kindness, hope and compassion. That our actions may demonstrate the best of humanity.
Gratitude for the lessons learned, to not take any day for grated, to love fully and with purpose.
Gratitude for those who ran toward danger to help and those to who bonded together to heroically prevented further tragedy that day.
Prayers for those still afraid of flying, of what might happen next and of people who look different than themselves.
Prayers that we can heal that which manifested from that darkest of times 20 years ago and the 20 years of war since.
May we always find the lighthouses during the storms.
May peace prevail on earth.
Thank you everyone, your words are beautiful and mean a lot.
I suppose I'll address a few things here that were brought up by all of you, I'll try not to overshare. My husband Jake is enormously loving, caring, compassionate, intelligent, hunky, beautiful etc.... I mean he's a dream, I married way out of my league. But Jeanne is right when she says that he is not good at facing harsh truths, he never has been. Previously I hadn't really thought about why that might be the case, as I'm the complete opposite, I will face any truth head on like a bull (I'm a Taurus, he's a Cancer). So I've always just tried to force him to face things with limited success. He does let the harsh stuff slide off him, whereas I don't and sometimes I've railed against him for being too easy going - but maybe that's why, maybe it is because he was never able to face what was happening to his mom.
It had not previously occurred to me either that we wouldn't stop everything and go be by her side, or that other's would too. I guess I just took it for granted that she was the heart of the family, it never occurred to me to question her role or importance. But now I realize that there are many people alive today who wouldn't get that same treatment in a similar situation. There are many people who are not loved like that, but she was, is and deserves to be.
To me she was always very kind, loving, encouraging and understanding. She knew I loved her son and as a result she loved me. She helped me plan my wedding, being with me for wedding dress fittings, cake tastings etc.... My wedding would not have happened without her. I miss her.
For a long time I didn't see the demons she was facing, she hid things very well. When I finally understood what was happening and what happened to her in her early life to cause such trauma I was shocked, heartbroken and unsure of how to help.
Addiction is a disease, but not one easily understood. I failed to understand in time and I think all of us in her family did too that what starts out as a coping mechanism eventually becomes a physical need, something that causes withdrawal symptoms if not ingested.
Jeanne I will do the ritual you mentioned, thank you for giving it to me. Frank thank you for perceiving her too, I will try to meditate on it soon.
One more thing before I sign off. Her mother is living in an assisted living facility in Arkansas, she has taken this loss very hard. However if she had protected her daughter in childhood, then maybe this could have been prevented. As my own mother is a selfish piece of work, I understand the resentment a daughter can feel, and my mother in law never forgave her mother for what had happened to her. Is there a lesson in this? Can I forgive the past as happened to me and those I love, can anyone of us heal?
I'm sorry, this is heavy.
Love to all of you.
Natalie
What you wrote is so honest & beautiful. It is hard to really know when someone is struggling, especially when they keep it well hidden. I am sorry for your loss.
I hope we can all learn to forgive the past with an open heart. My love to you and your Jake.
@lovendures prayers for what 9/11 and prayers for the 18th of September...this coming Saturday which is a critical point in time I feel: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/sep/12/capitol-fence-congress-january-attack?fbclid=IwAR1mcMcpHC2KM9TCxVpJuFHI2-qkjYxdRCItNCR_s0eON2jZb7FdXUqIAjc
Hello! It's Andrew... and my wife Camille has a A Fib and they can't seem to get her heart rate down - she was in hospital for three days (we were in Flagstaff 7000 feet!!! which is bad for A Fib) who knows. So good thoughts for her and my goodself as we move through this health issue...Thanks!!!
Hello! It's Andrew... and my wife Camille has a A Fib and they can't seem to get her heart rate down - she was in hospital for three days (we were in Flagstaff 7000 feet!!! which is bad for A Fib) who knows. So good thoughts for her and my goodself as we move through this health issue...Thanks!!!