I've been around, just haven't been commenting. I got dad's care transferred to hospice a little over a week ago, and have been dealing with family issues from dysfunctional members, so I've had lots on my plate. As Roseanne Rossannadana used say, "It's always something."
@jaidy dear, you are not alone. I went through this ages ago with my youngest. My ex narcissist husband lied right and left in the courtroom in front of the judge, and the judge was clueless, and neither his attorney nor mine did a thing. It was bad enough that when he lied about my allowing phone contact, I was ordered by the court to be home and have my phone lines available on Tuesdays and Thursday nights between certain hours. Can you believe that? Internet was dial up back then, and it frosted the ex that he wouldn't call before our youngest went to bed, and then I'd be online with friends getting support. A year and a half later, the same judge making the order saw it and declared it nonsensical, wondering what kind of idiot would order such a thing. But then again this was the same judge who was asked to give me interest on IRA payouts that the ex failed to make, and the judge found it equitable to give me 5% earnings when my IRA account had earned 15% during that time. He also forgot to issue a court order to get the funds transferred into my IRA, so they arrived as a payout, counted as income, and could not be put in my IRA-defying the original divorce settlement-also adjudicated by him. This was the same judge who told me that he didn't remember the dates of his parent's deaths (he admitted he didn't have kids, so he was clueless whether he'd remember the date they died had he been in the same circumstance), so we probably wouldn't remember the date of our daughter's death in time. This coming from a man who knew the town was building a monument to the kids in town (including our daughter), where annual memorial services are still held, and every 5th year, a memorial race is run. Let's not get into the national tv coverage on major anniversaries. Just because they sit on a bench doesn't make them wise, fair, or just. Keep that in mind. It's them, not you.
In my case, I ended up getting the jurisdiction changed since neither the ex nor I lived in the state where the ex filed initially, and even tho it took several years, I got the horrible custody rulings by the former judge changed into something much more beneficial to my youngest's well-being. I know someone up thread suggested getting abuse personnel involved, and that's a good idea. If you can afford it, get a child psychologist the court recognizes involved as well. I did this. Not only did my youngest need a good therapist after all they'd been through, but it gave me someone in my corner to back up what my youngest said they wanted. Your daughter wanted you to express her opinion to the judge. The judge didn't listen. A child therapist will listen, and if need be, will go to the court, or will write to the court and express their opinion on what is best for the child, based on what the child has confided in them. It is taken much more seriously by the lawyers and judge when it comes from another professional who has the child's best interest at heart. Sometimes, as I found out, once a matter is 'settled' the court won't look at the issue again without new 'cause'. The input from someone like a therapist can actually be that 'cause'.
As @lynn notes, the courts still manage to take the male version as gospel, and the women are just 'emotional'. This too one day will change.
Keep your chin up. Others have been there, done that, and survived the frustration.
@lynn what state are you talking about - just wondering…
in going through this process I have met many women who have gone through similar circumstances and I asked them how they were able to protect their children and they said- I couldn’t- I lost, he won (in court). but I have to think there is some karmic balancing or reasoning for this. I read divorcing a narcissist and it was like a nightmare scenario Re court.
i already replaced my first lawyer because he wanted me to settle and compromise w my abuser but my spirit guide had said- this process is about you speaking up- you and the girls- which is why I wanted my story told and why I felt the journal entry was so important- that’s my daughters voice.
Thank you, I know nothing about the law and I defer to those who do but never having gone through anything like this- we divorced without lawyers- I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not.
@Jaidy, court is tough, especially with children. Being in a different country the pendulum has swung the other way, and with good reason on the whole, yet when you're the outlier and it takes considerable time and effort the effects can be daunting. All I can say is keep to the high road all the time, the truth always comes out, frustratingly not when you want it to. In my case, I was lucky that eventually a judge become doubly seized by our case. I am not sure if that happens in the states, but in Canada it does, and it makes a difference when the judge calls out the negative versus your lawyer. It turns out judges don't like getting lied too, and it's hard for people to keep a complex lie going.
Positive thoughts to you because I've been there.
@cindy first- that sounds so horrible and I am so sorry… I don’t know what people do in the interim before you get things ‘righted’.
my older daughter has anxiety and sees a therapist my daughter trusts. The judge could rule an evaluator but since we have been divorced 4 years apparently that is not common. I have contacted the domestic abuse agencies in my area but i Had a friend who used them… my ex is verbally and emotionally abusive and although he has pinned my daughter down both lawyers said a judge will want bruises…
NY state, but I've also done work in FL courts too. That said, I've never heard of any family court, in any state, that functions exceptionally well. It's a miserable place to be.
Gang - an update on my mentor.
I gave them last weekend and contacted his wife on Monday. He came home last weekend and is on the road to recovery. 3 ulcers in his stomach. Still more tests, but finding and dealing with those has started him on the path to recovery. He's even emailing me regularly now with updates to the project we're working on and has his old spirit and spunk back.
A huge thank you to everyone for sending him the healing light. I am just so happy he's on the mend!
Hello everyone. I’d like to request prayers / healing / energetic support for Alexandria, one of the students who was killed in the shooting at MSU last night, and for her family. They live a few houses down from me and our community is utterly devastated for them.
@november, definitely sending prayers to the families of all the victims. It is difficult enough to lose a child under any circumstances, but to do so under the glare of the public and the media is excruciating.
@november prayers sent to her family and friends.
@november Sending angels to Alexandria in heaven, and her family and friends, that they surround all of them with love, peace, and comfort.