My sympathies to all here who have recently suffered losses.
When my daughter died, we had to travel to New York the next day. Only half of the plane's occupants had been recovered from the ocean, and they had yet to start the identification process. I had watched the news in horror thru the night. I did try to get to sleep, and I believe I've told the story here of believing that Monica came to say goodbye, patting my leg at 3 am. After that, there was no sleep. The plane crashed on Wednesday evening and we got to New York late Thursday afternoon. After meetings with officials, getting assigned our airline representative, and other 'official' business was conducted, I finally went to bed just before midnight. I was up at daybreak on Friday morning. I got a shower as my ex ran to get us some coffee. He jumped into the shower to prepare for the day's grueling meetings and activities. I went to walk to the window to peek out and see what was going on outside with the media. I was taken aback when I glimpsed a gray haired wrinkled, haggard old lady on my way from the bed to the window. I was momentarily perplexed at the thought there was in internal window that allowed me to see other guests like this. Knowing that couldn't be right, I turned back to see who this old woman was. I had passed a mirror on the wall. I stood there stunned, looking at my reflection. I saw someone in her 30's, with wet hair, no makeup, and swollen eyes from crying, not to mention the dark circles from lack of sleep. Somehow I felt the old woman was me-a reflection of my grief or what it could do to me. As I stood there it dawned on me that if this overwhelming grief could have such an effect on me, what would my grief be doing to Monica? I closed my eyes and prayed-and I can't say at that point in my life I was a believer. I asked for God and the angels to help me, because Monica had been through enough, if my grief could do this to me what would it do to her, and I certainly would never want to add to her burdens. I asked for her to be allowed to guide me in doing what was in her best interest going forward. I cannot explain the calm and warmth that suddenly enshrouded me. After breakfast and our first meetings with the NTSB and FBI, we had to go to the airport to pick up my sister. When my ex went to get a paper, seeing the opportunity to speak to me in private, our airline rep asked me how a restless night of sleep could have made such a dramatic change in me. I told him the story of what had happened that morning. I'm not sure if he believed me or not, but he kind of turned pale and simply said "Wow."
A few years after her passing, I had a reading from a big name medium. He told me he felt two men around me-guiding me. He gave me names, which didn't resonate. After mom did genealogy research years later, I wondered if at least one is an ancestor who's name correlates. I've done many meditations over the years to try and meet my spirit guides-once I realized such beings existed. I know they are there, I just seem to go black at the point where I'm supposed to see or meet them. One day, I did catch a glimpse of someone unexpectedly in a different guided meditation. The best way to describe her would be to say she was the live version of Grandmother Willow from Disney's Pocahontas. It took several days, but while driving it suddenly dawned on me, that decades earlier, the woman in the mirror in the New York hotel room may not have been my own reflection. I may have been glimpsing one of my guides-which at the time I had no clue such things existed.
The point is, if you ask for help, you will get it. Above all else, when we are dealing with loss, it is in everyone's best interest to stop and think of what the loved one who has passed would want and what is in their best interest too. If they are so caught up in trying to ease our grief here, it could stall their progress there. I know that every time I was about to do something difficult-testify in front of Congress or a White House Commission, view or sort the wreckage, etc., I'd ask if it was something Monica wanted me to do and ask for her help. I'd get the same warm feeling and would find the strength to do what needed to be done. There was no doubt, she wanted me to be as vocal and active as I was.
I think my parents time is short, I've been super busy with taking dad to all sorts of doctors and therapies, and now he's got pneumonia. When I need reassurance she finds a way to let me know she's there. I had gone to bed last night, and the dogs got me up to go out one last time. As I saw how bright the stars were (Monica and I used to stargaze together), I told her I needed help and guidance, and asked if she was here. Not a second passed before a shooting star emerged in the constellation I was gazing at.
If you are missing a loved one, talk to them. They'll hear you. If you're lucky they'll answer. Your love for each other is eternal.
Cindy - thank you for sharing such intimate details of your experience. I find great comfort reading this, though so sorry you had and have to live with this experience. I am missing my Mom (she died in May) as we approach her birthday month, and I just had my first birthday without her. I do talk to her everyday and will continue to do so :)
Thank you beyond words for sharing your story. I sobbed when you told how you considered how all of this would affect Monica. You are right that we have to make their passing a gift rather than a curse. A close high school friend whose name is also Cindy lost her 18 year old precious boy when as part of the U.S. Olympic ski team, he was killed in an Austria avalanche. Cindy emerged from this believing that Ronnie was working with her to change avalanche safety. She tours the country and made a video that saves lives, always with Ronnie by her side.
I cried, too, when I read your post. What an incredible loss and heartache you've experienced, yet all those experiences transformed you, didn't they? Thank you for sharing your insights. I was just thinking about my late mother this morning and how it has helped cope with that loss by recognizing it was the right time for her to go, that it was an end to suffering, but not an end to her spirit. I truly hope these posts can help those who are grieving in our community. Much love to you.
@cindy, your post moved me beyond words. I was thinking about it all morning. I have a friend who is currently in hospice, heavily medicated, and won't be with us much longer. She is now surrounded by her large family and it's too late for me to visit and say my final goodbyes. But I now understand that I can still communicate all of those things that I wanted to say, even if I'm not there at her bedside. It's never too late.
Thank you for so generously sharing your story with us. Bless you, Cindy.
I am very sorry on the loss of your Great-grandmother. You have received so many loving words of wisdom, advice and love. I hope they can help you to find peace. The only thing I can think of to add is that we are all different individuals and thus we all grieve differently. It is important to feel and to be in touch with your feelings and emotions. May her memory be a blessing for you.
Your words are so powerful, yet again. Each time you speak of Monica, I can feel your love for and connection to her. Thank you for sharing this gift with us .
I wish you peace and love as you help you father though his final days.
Everyone thank you. I am not one for lots of words at the moment - I am still really sad, if that's anyway to put it. Jeanne your idea is amazing and I will try it.
After my great great aunt passed earlier this year - I did a meditation trying to connect with my guides. I went pretty deep pretty fast, and somewhere in that meditation I felt a jolt of energy hit straight on and I felt the arms of my great great aunt around me. It was so real and so powerful and we were both crying and clinging to each other - I don't think I've ever had such a strong sense of someone else presence before.
My great grandmother is not yet ready for this, she was not ready to go - I don't know why I keep saying that, but I feel almost an anger and not wanting to leave.
Cindy reading your story was difficult. I am so so sorry for what you have been through. I wish I could enfold you in my arms and give you comfort. I am so proud of how you have used a tragedy to create some good in this world, its a wonderful thing.
Thank you everyone - my heart hurts, your kind words are a real comfort.
Love
Natalenka (what she used to call me).
I am in awe of everyone sharing what they've shared. There are experiences where words are not adequate; whether it's grief or soul-love...there are times when not only are there no words but the energy to find those words doesn't exist.
It's okay. This is truly a safe space to just be.
The friend, that I ask for help for a diagnosis, who was told, by the VA. he was dying even though they didn't know why, finally got to see a real doctor. He called me up, and said he thought his appendix was hurting, and he said he was going to the ER on Monday. I told him if it was his appendix, it couldn't wait. He didn't wait. I saw him at the store, and he said he has diabetes. How could the VA doctors miss that. At least it's treatable. Thanks for all the help. Everything you posted fit, the ER doctor said the diabetes had just messed up his insides.