@laura-f I just wanted to say that your post really resonates with me. I struggled with mood issues even before all of this insanity and I’ve had to cave and go on a mood stabilizer again. Fun times. I don’t know if it’s really helping but sometimes it helps me when I read/see something awful to try to pull myself out of my own head by focusing on my immediate surroundings. Other than that, I’m pretty much always plagued by fear, but I know I’m not the only one (not the most comforting thought, but it’s something). I feel for you and I’m sending you positive, healing energy.
@laura-f I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling but I can sympathize with you and hope that you’ll feel better soon. If it helps any I see everyone, including myself, slipping some. Maybe more than some. I’ve been so sad the past month or two and can cry at the drop of a dime. It’s simmering right under the surface. I think we are all feeling the weight of this situation. And for me when I think of what our family has been doing to be safe, then watch these people disregard safety precautions it just makes me so angry. Selfish, stupid, reckless and I can keep on going. I can work myself up into a good internal rage. I too am worried about 4 more years. But I am hopeful and try not to give that thought and power away. I try to think of the way it will feel when T is gone and we can begin cleaning up the rot and stench. Hang in there. You have a beautiful heart. You always support others. Hang in there. It’s reasonable that you’re feeling this way. It’s good to express it, get it out. We are here and you know this is a safe place for us all. I pray for peace in mind, body and spirit. Be well my friend. ❤️☮️
I’m really sorry that you’re hurting. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I were surrounded by some clueless neighbors who don't seem to give a damn. I can relate to a lot of what you have expressed about depression. I’ve dealt with various levels of depression and anxiety for most of my life, so I can also relate to that.
As you know I’ve posted some in the Covid-19 thread about the mental and physical state I've recently experienced. I was already living a fairly contained life because of some of my ongoing health issues. Because of my limited energy reserves, small social outings and/or having lunch with friends were all that I could manage without becoming wiped out. They were gifts to me. By the end of last year I had begun to feel a little better, so I was looking into some figure drawing classes in the spring. And then this pandemic struck.
I’ll be 68 on Wednesday. I’m fine with celebrating with my husband at home, since the weather is horrible here – 90’s and very humid. But it would be nice to celebrate with some friends. To do that safely would mean to sit outside, and it’s ungodly hot and humid here right now, so that won’t work. No way I'm sitting inside of a restaurant. I realize, though, that I’m lucky to have someone to celebrate with. It’s a funny emotional bipolarity … feeling very grateful and very sad.
I haven’t traveled much, although I’ve always wanted to. Something “more important” always came up as the years passed away. My husband plans to retire the beginning of 2021, and we had hopes to include some traveling before we became too cash poor or decrepit to get around. There are plenty of places in the US that I still haven’t seen – not to mention Canada, Europe, etc. – and I wanted to give that gift to myself. Our first trip was going to be to the Pacific Northwest and Canada (hubby has been there; I haven’t). Then we wanted to go to Paris. I’m not sure what I would have been physically capable of handling, but I was game to try it.
We also wanted to explore other parts of this country where we might consider moving to in retirement. Not going to happen now! You know this area of the country, @laura-f, so you understand the congestion and the oppressive heat and humidity in the summer. But I am grateful that, at least for now, people in Northern Virginia generally seem to be behaving responsibly with masks and social distancing (not so much the case in the Virginia Beach area). And I'm grateful that we have a sane governor.
I understand depression so I don’t know whether this will help you at this point, but I’ll offer it anyway. For myself, I’m trying, on a daily basis, to make room for being grateful. Just a little space for it, even if I can’t emotionally connect with it at that moment. If I can’t feel it, I still go through the motions. For example, although my health challenges the past 25 years have been maddening and often relentless, I am grateful that I haven't had to work the past 7 years. My husband works, so that support has always been there. I haven't had that added stress as many people do, some who are members of this community.
Besides making room to be grateful, I am also making room to grieve. @jewels, thank you for reminding me (under the Covid-19 thread) of the grief we are all experiencing. In my case collectively, as well as personally. Collectively … this country’s standing in the world, the lives we have lost, the crimes we’ve perpetrated against mother earth and against each other, the country that we never were (but deluded ourselves into thinking we were "all that" and thus too perfect to change). Personally … grief at my age, mainly roads not taken – wouldas couldas shouldas. I’m still here and I still have a life to live, for as imperfect as it is. And I know a helluva lot more now, as a crone, than I did as a young whippersnapper. Which means I also have a lot more to offer. Given our current restrictions, I'm just trying to figure out how to accomplish that.
Anyway, I feel like I’m babbling! Guess I’m making up for the lost time I haven’t been posting. I’m just sorry that you’re in this space, Laura. I always love your wisdom, your humor, and your moxy (especially when I shake my head, roll my eyes and say to myself “I can’t believe she posted that!”) Keep on shining that light, Laura; your voice is needed, now, more than ever.
Take care of yourself the best way you can. Lots of love to you, my friend. ? ? ?
@laura-f sorry you’re going though this. If you ever need to exchange travel notes, I’m here for you. If you feel like making a drive to the Bay Area for a hike, I will definitely make time for you. There’s a comet in the sky, Neowise, I saw it this morning, have you seen it? Maybe that will help clear some tensions and anxieties. You’re a beacon of light to this community and I’m so grateful for your intuitions and intellect. Sending you lots of virtual hugs.
share the love and light
Dear @laura-f I want to send you some love. You have lifted me up so many times with your energy, your wit, and just so much smarts. Thoughts of your posts bounce across my mind like a gymnast.
I want to give something back to you. But it’s hard to give back to you what you give us.
You even gave us a recipe once for pasta and tomatoes—dunk ripe juicy tomatoes in boiling water and slip off the skins. Chop over pasta with grated cheese and enjoy. Yum. I’ve made that dish many times when I need a food lift, a Laura lift.
You’ve been the spice of the forum.
Sometimes it’s okay to be down. Maybe it’s time perhaps for you to just flop down and let yourself go. You’re an empath, a dancer, chef, tv personality, and a messenger with a steal trap mind who does more in a day than most do in a month.
You’re a ninja warrior who lifts us up like Charles Atlas holds up the earth, with humor and truth, all the while keeping our facts straight. Take a needed rest, dear friend. Please know you are loved.
We will send you a blast of healing Wednesday night.
Do you have an holistic vet that you can consult with? Or even over zoom?
Maybe herbs would help depending upon the diagnosis.
Anita
I've been MIA for a while, trying to recuperate from a list of annoying maladies and just breathe through the days without self-imposed pressures. While taking some time to catch up on posts today, I found yours and I'm so glad that you've shared with us.
This little girl is all of us: https://twitter.com/ngu_spesh/status/1281259100450566146?s=12
Sometimes it seems as though we are all crying on the inside. Maybe we could get some relief if we could have a really good cry and get it all out. I go in and out of grief myself and am finding that we don't come to terms with our reality once. We keep cycling through those stages of grief and it can be quite debilitating. Thankfully, feelings can change and somehow, someway we rally again to fight the good fight. We rally to love and laugh again in spite of the darkness of our present world.
Laura, we absolutely adore you. You are funny and wise, smart and sassy. You are kind. I like nothing more than to read your posts when you are all fired up. If only you lived here, we would definitely meet outside for a coffee or a drink and laugh/cry as needed.
Two things: First, we have gifts in this community and you are going to experience a lot of love, light and healing coming to you. It's already begun. Listen to your spirit guides especially as we will send energy through them to you. Secondly, if you continue to feel you're into clinical depression, get help. Seriously, don't suffer.
You are going to get through this, Laura. I know it. Much love to you, my friend. Namaste.
I'm often tempted to offer counterpoints to dread at the state of the world by drawing attention to the "big picture" and the transformational potential. But then I have to remind myself that there's a significant age gap between me and many members on this forum. So I don't really know how taxing and anxiety-inducing it can be to feel like I may not live long enough to see the other side of these years of churning, let alone survive CV19.
So the only way I can appropriately respond, Laura, is to send light your way. Be kind to yourself, and let us know how you're doing.
I am sorry for your depression. It is so hard these days to remain hopeful. I am sending you love in a prayer for your heart to feel better, for your hope to return. I am sending you a great healing light to uplift and renew you.
We have all incarnated here at this exact time to bear witness. It is an honor and a challenge. Intense and terribly upsetting. Yet here we are.
I wish I had some magic words to give everyone here, to buoy them up. All I can give is my love and my deep inner feeling that this will not be our end. We will rebuild. Still watching our country burn literally and figuratively is hard, hard, hard. Waiting for the phoenix to rise is hard too. But rise it must. I think it will, I still believe.
As empaths and light workers we feel things and people to an astonishingly real degree. Taking time for self care, and to watch dumb funny stuff and laugh, can be very helpful with Depression. We carry the weight of the world with us, but we can try to put it down sometimes. Like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof said, "If I try to bend that far, I will break." He said it in a different context, but it is still true. We stagger under the weight. It can bend us, it might break us. We may feel broken, but we can help each other to feel whole again.
That's what sharing things on this forum does for me. It helps me put that weight down.