But forgiveness is not a gift we give to another. It is a gift we give to ourselves.
And what if the person isn't alive any more? Or what if the person has changed and is no longer a perpetrator? I may still refuse to forgive because my hurt goes beyond the perpetrators. It has become a way to avoid opening my heart.
So the question I ask you is what is the purpose of your unwillingness to forgive? What purpose does it serve you?
I am sure you are familiar with the quote (attributed to many and varied original sources) that goes:
"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
Resentment is what is left when we do not forgive. Forgetting may not be possible, nor wise, but forgiveness is necessary if we are to move on.
Learning to forgive to me is a lot like the grieving process. It sometimes can be a lifelong process. If you have ever lost someone, the grief is always there but the sharpness of it can lessen over time. However, you still have those moments that catch you off guard even years later that can bring a sharp pain that shows how much that loss is still such a part of you. Forgiving is the same way to me. I have somethings in my life especially through my family that I felt was unforgivable but for the sake of peace I made the effort. But just like grief, I have had moments where I thought I had forgiven but not necessarily forgotten an incident. Then, something will happen where the moment is brought up again and I will realize just how much I have still held on to some part of those things I thought I had forgiven. I know it isn't good for me spiritually or physically to hold onto those feelings of resentment and even bitterness. I actively work at that trying to be fair and let it go. I pray about things like this and try to really look at why am I holding onto those feelings. But, those moments do hit me every now and then when I think I have gotten past it. I had an incident just this year about something that happened to me when I was a teenager and thought I was long past that still getting to me. I thought I had grown past it, moved on and forgiven this person who hurt me. But, it took me off guard when I realized that I might have to deal with this person again who had moved back into my area. It really surprised me at that amount of anger, resentment and even a bit of fear that I still felt all these years later. I wasn't proud of myself to still have these feelings and I didn't even realize they were still there. Point of all is that it is a hard process. I think most of all you have to learn to forgive yourself. You have the right to have those hard feelings and you still may mess up when you think you have gotten past something. Some soul wounds are just very deep and maybe not everything heals at the same rate. I think in life you have to just do the best that you can and constantly think of yourself as a work in progress.
One thing that has always bugged me, is when people try to justify the horrible practices and behaviors of the past by claiming that "that's just how it was back then", or "that's all they knew to do in those days". Well, i call bullshit. There have ALWAYS been folks that were hipped to the facts. And though they may not have been in power, or even popular, their existence alone proves that there was clearly a choice of which path to take.
Please listen to this version of "My Country 'Tis of Thee", with alternate, Abolitionist lyrics that were written in 1843. Also it is performed in a Minor key, but with some major chills:
I may still refuse to forgive because my hurt goes beyond the perpetrators. It has become a way to avoid opening my heart.
So the question I ask you is what is the purpose of your unwillingness to forgive? What purpose does it serve you?
I believe the illogical purpose of our unwillingness to forgive is for our human nature to believe that if we hold on to the hurt then we can never be hurt that way again. If we hold the other at arm’s length, outside of our heart that we are protecting ourselves. And that is natural.
Forgiving to relieve ourselves of the poison of hate and fear is a blessing and a boon to the world.
Forgiving or not forgiving is one of our choices along the way. All paths are spiritual. In fact, all beings are one. ❤️
Some more food for thought:
Dr. Phil McGraw (The Dr. Phil Show) often says, "Anger is just an outward manifestation of hurt, fear, or frustration".
I think he's right. My own anger is usually rooted in frustration, occasionally hurt, and rarely fear.
I suspect most angry right-wing extremists are driven by fear, followed by frustration. That would be fear of losing "their place" in the world (meaning their worth as perceived by society, plus their usefulness), losing their material security, and frustration at not seeming to be able to get any traction on the aforementioned. Hurt is probably also mixed in there if they feel they are not being "seen". (To be clear, from what I know, this is how they *feel* regardless of whether anyone thinks those feelings are justified.)
If this is so, it gives insight into the collective trauma that may help others to better connect.
Discuss??
Those are good points! And how would one connect with someone who is angry, hurt or fearful? A good place to start would be acknowledging their anger.
@ana Agreed... I always taught my students (when discussing characterization & motivation in literature) that anger is a secondary emotion caused by a primary emotion. It really helped them make sense of their reactions to emotional triggers.
For those of you having trouble moving beyond others' support of Trumpism, this might help you to understand it a little better.
@mas1581 tried to go to your link^ but it is for subscribers only (sad trombone). Can you copy and paste some of it for us?