How do you deal with it when you have people in your life who have legitmate "special needs" but who are basically psychic vampires sucking your energy?
I have this dynamic with my nonagenarian mother and my (mildly) autistic sister. Fortunately for all of us they are able to live on their own. But I'm the one who gets all the calls and emails about every little tiny thing---even things they could deal with on their own if they just bothered. And my mom is a professional guilt-tripper. They want what they want when they want it and when they get it, they just want more, and little appreciation is shown. For example, I decided after this Christmas that all my sister is going to get next time is money because even when I buy her something she says she wants and has on her Amazon wish list, she will find something wrong with it. (My mom is the same way, but she doesn't need money.) I could go on and on, but suffice it to say that I can feel their needy energy sucking on me much of the time and it wears me out. I've been in therapy for this and other issues and have gotten better about setting boundaries-- which they don't always respect. At her best, my mom can be fun to be around, but other times I dread seeing her and hearing the endless complaints and criticisms. ( She knows all of my buttons to push, mainly because she installed them. LOL)
How do you shield yourself from someone who still needs your material and emotional support? Thanks.
@ana My mother was exactly like your mother. Complain, find fault and put people down, and never be thankful for anything. Finally 30 years ago we moved away and things got easier. But after years of hearing her voice on the phone with the same ranting, I got to the point whenever I heard her voice I would just cringe inside. I, too, spent time in therapy trying to deal with her and her negative attitude. When I had my first daughter, my mother told me in no uncertain terms to never call her and ask her to babysit. (We lived about 20 minutes away from her.) She said to me, “I raised my children, you can raise yours, do ask me to babysit.” And I never did ask her to babysit. Even when I got pneumonia she wouldn’t help me. I finally realized that I cannot change her, so I kept my distance. When she would call and complain my response was to say nothing. I would sometimes change the subject and act as if I didn’t hear what she said. I was respectful to her, but I refused to feed her negativity. If she called, I would talk generally about what was going on and that was about it. Don’t let her push your buttons. Don’t give a response to the complaints, listen and then let it go. I had too many wonderful people in my life to waste my energy worrying about what my mother had to complain about next.
That is a tough situation. You need to be able to stay as healthy as possible.
Perhaps you can make some changes on your end.
Can you only look at emails from them at a certain times of day and ignore other times? That way you are not on guard all day long. Same for calls. The point is to carve out time that is only for you so you are not on call 24/7. Can you silence your phone on walks, meditations, cooking and when running errands? Give them some warning. Tell them you are only able to run errands on say Thursday and for them to have their needs given to you in writing before you leave to do them. If they forget something or something else comes up, they will need to learn patience and wait until next time.
Maybe you can schedule certain days to see your mom in person and only those days. Say perhaps Wednesdays only for groceries and Mondays for routine doctor visits. Keep some days totally mom and sister free?
@ana Don’t give a response to the complaints, listen and then let it go.
Yeah, that's generally how I've been trying to deal with it. But she gets in my head. I can feel it when she's thinking obsessively about how I should call her, visit her, etc. My husband can feel it too but it bothers him less since he doesn't have the same custom-installed "buttons".
Maybe you can schedule certain days to see your mom in person and only those days. Say perhaps Wednesdays only for groceries and Mondays for routine doctor visits. Keep some days totally mom and sister free?
I've done that to some extent --- thing is that everything is an EMERGENCY to both of them. It's actually easier to deal with my sister-- she listens a little bit better and best of all lives farther away (hah)
It's me that is the problem. The emails, the calls, the martyrdom (mom), the paranoia (sister) keep wearing on me until I deal with it. Even when they're not after me I am feeling like I need to call them or do something for them just to make sure they're OK. It's my own guilt problem. I'm the "fixer".
They're too much in my head and I need to learn to shield enough to protect myself while still being aware enough of them to take care of their very real needs.
@ana. Sometimes you have to lovingly let them go.
My other sister literally moved to the other side of the planet to get away. My brother lives in another state and helps financially (which I am grateful for) but we don't see him for years at a time. I'm the only one left. Maybe I should have run when I had the chance. ?
I used to be available to people who drained me to get energy. But at some point in my life, my psyche refused to let me waste my energy like that any more. I stopped begin available to them, and I soon learned that they will find someone else who can better help them. And eventually, if they wear out all of their options, they begin to find their own way. I've seen that happen and it is so gratifying when it does.
Letting them drain you is bad for you and also bad for them. This does not mean you can't be there for people. But when you feel tired, drained or angry or depressed when conversing with some people, know that they are not feeling good either. And they will be better served by sitting with their stuff rather than sucking energy from you.
Co-dependency is bad for both parties.
I tend to view challenging people as hurt people. Sometimes, by trying to see the wounded child in them, I can feel more compassion towards them. This shift in my energy can sometimes be enough to change the feeling for me, and sometimes people respond positively. We all feel each other's energy, raising mine can help at times.
Viewing people as hurt, and therefore hurtful. Sometimes I look at people as their inner child and that also can be helpful. I try to forgive people and ask
G-d and the Angels to help them, or to help me let go of them if it is too harmful to me, and also to them. It doesn't mean they are cut out forever, but sometimes people need space.
I tend to view challenging people as hurt people. Sometimes, by trying to see the wounded child in them, I can feel more compassion towards them. This shift in my energy can sometimes be enough to change the feeling for me, and sometimes people respond positively. We all feel each other's energy, raising mine can help at times.
Yes, they are hurt. All I have to do is remember my maternal grandmother to know why my mother is the way she is. And my sister--growing up ASD at a time when no one knew about ASD and having a critical mother on top of it-- wow-- she's got a lot of issues on top of the ASD. (Currently she's in therapy doing neurofeedback and EMDR and it is helping but I doubt she will heal in this lifetime.) I probably wouldn't be willing to help these people if I couldn't see their hurt. All I want is a little respect and appreciation and their understanding that I can't fix *everything*. Mainly the latter.
I thought a lot about what you said about raising one's energy to meet the situation. I noticed how I felt yesterday when I took my mom shopping. I think we would have had a more pleasant time if I'd been able to rise above the drama triggers, but I didn't. (I don't respond with more drama, but I don't think I did much to raise the energy either. Basically I tend to remain stoic. ) I need to work on that. Thank you for the insight.
It is easier said than done, but is a good goal.
I also find that the more appreciative I can be of myself, the better I cope. The more I believe I am making a difference, the less I seem to need the external validation. (Old saying- Happiness is an inside job.) It's hard to maintain. Some days I just cry or stew over hurts, real and imagined, but I always just end up tired and further down in the ditch. So for my own well being I try to cheerlead for myself and limit interactions. I am good at detaching from years of practice though, most of the time.
Being well rested is a huge help too. Negativity wears us out. I used to nap before family events for this sole purpose. When rested, my emotions were calmer and I was less reactive, no matter what crazy stuff happened.
When I become angry or take other's low opinions of me to heart, I am hurting myself double.
That being said, we are hardwired to look for love and appreciation. It can feel demoralizing to help people who find fault.
It's a life goal to try not to let outside influences upset the apple cart. I had a terribly unfulfilling job where I felt dismissed and criticiized both, so I just chose to look at the appreciation implied of having a paycheck.I also chose to walk away from that paycheck when the year ended, for less money and much less stress.
Maybe just honor yourself for being commited to others well being even if they don't, can't, or won't return the favor. It shows you are made of tough stuff.
There are a couple of energetic practices I use that may help you in combination with the wise advice others have given.
My brother taught me to "put up roses." Imagine yourself ringed by tall golden roses. They will act as a boundary and a barrier, absorbing the toxic energy around you. These don't have to be roses, or golden. Conjure whatever resonates with you. It could be redwoods, or white candles, or blue pillows, or.... Replenish periodically, because your roses will become droopy and tattered. (I do this before I interact with difficult/needy/challenging people--or when I find myself in that situation.)
The other practice I find helpful is this: before I fall asleep at night I send back all the energy that doesn't belong to me, which people have left with me or I have attracted. In my mind I say, "Spirit, please return all energy that doesn't belong to me to its source." Then I call back my own energy that I've left with others. It helps me feel whole, unpolluted, and strong ("senior in my space," as my brother says).
@gradualgoddess I will try those techniques-- both the putting up a barrier of "roses" and returning the energy that does not belong to me. You are lucky to have a brother like that. Thanks!