Hi all,
Just wanting to reach out for a little support. We have had school difficulties with our two daughters (age 11 and 9.) Last year it was particularly rough for the 9 year old, but this year she is doing much better. However, our 11 year old is really struggling this year. She has some known anxiety and also some hearing issues (she just received hearing aids a few weeks ago to help minimize background noise, which is the main distractor), and has an accommodations plan with school for some adjustments to help. However, we are waiting on some additional testing to see if an attention disorder is also there. We are working with the school and her, but she is really struggling with hating homework and school in general. There are no bullying issues or anything. We could just really use some positive light regarding how to proceed with helping her (whether we look into alternative schooling vs traditional, or how best to help her adjust to the increased demands of 6th grade, etc.) Thanks in advance for any positive vibes or insight you can send our way. This has been stressful over a long period of time and frustrating for all of us. Thanks!
I had a very rough (as in lucky I survived) period at about that age myself. (Totally ashamed at what I put my mother through but that's 20/20 hindsight.) I was frustrated with school and hated it myself. With my own children I have sat down with them every night at the kitchen table and provided homework support. Sometimes I'd read, sometimes I'd be washing the dishes, but I was always no more than two steps away when they had a question. Speaking from my own experience, when my homework was done and understood I felt much better about school. You will need bottomless patience. Good luck and positive thoughts and light your way (and hers).
p.s. I got through it and went on to get a college degree and have a wonderful career. It will get better.
Sometimes, just asking your child what would help goes along way. There may be others things going on that you haven't thought of. I loved driving my kids to their activities as they would really open up to me in the car. We would have the best conversations. Does she like the school she is at? Does she like the teachers and kids? Is she embarrassed with the extra help she is receiving? She might learn differently than the other kids. Does she have an interest or talent outside of school? That might offer creative ways that can be tied into her homework to get her interest. Kids are under so much pressure these days. Especially at that age. Just feeling like she is heard will help her feel more secure. Sending her and you some love.
CC21,
I went thru that phase at about the same age. My issues came from boredom and the feeling like the teachers wouldnt entertain my thoughts and opinions, so why should I entertain their requests for homework. It was a respect issue that was never fixed early and followed me for many years, but I changed it once I realized it.
If she is being treated differently(even subtly she will pick up on it), she can lose the respect she needs to work hard for the teachers she has. Talk to her and set aside a sitdown conversation where she knows anything she says will not get her in trouble so she can be completely open with you. Bluntly ask her why she thinks she is having these issues, reassuring her every step of the way that you are only having this conversation to help her. When she starts talking, dont offer solutions-just ask questions until she fully articulates the problems she is having. Once she is done, ask her hpw you should go about fixing them and let her give all the answers(leading her if need be).
If she feels fully open and listened to from you, then you can relay the problems to the school/teacher without any interference she might be getting.
Thanks, MAS1581. I appreciate your feedback. We have definitely had some good discussions with her and have her perspective on quite a bit. Hard to explain it all here, but she is a very quiet kid, especially in school, and always has trouble speaking up. The school environment can be draining for her, as an introvert with anxiety and hearing issues! So, by the time she gets home, she is just done. But yet, she does have an opinion on the value of homework (hates to do it, thinks it is "stupid" - and I have to say that I see her point, though I would phrase it differently. I don't think that piling more work onto kids after a full day is the most productive or helpful thing and there are many recent studies that reflect elementary and even middle school homework is of little to no benefit.)
Anyway, we definitely will continue to talk with her as things proceed - I love taking a "what if" approach with her - if you didn't go to school, what would you do? What would your ideal set-up be? And she has come up with some great things that mesh with what I have read about some relaxed homeschool and/or self-directed learning options. Lots to consider as the school environment and teachers are, on the whole, very supportive and a great community (it is a K-8 school) and there are many things that she enjoys about being there.
Thanks again to you all for your perspectives, advice and good vibes!
CC21, try having her use the homework to "teach" you what shes learning in school. If she finds value in it(by helping her parent learn) she will be more apt to give it a try even when drained.
Hi all,
Just wanting to reach out for a little support. We have had school difficulties with our two daughters (age 11 and 9.) Last year it was particularly rough for the 9 year old, but this year she is doing much better. However, our 11 year old is really struggling this year. She has some known anxiety and also some hearing issues (she just received hearing aids a few weeks ago to help minimize background noise, which is the main distractor), and has an accommodations plan with school for some adjustments to help. However, we are waiting on some additional testing to see if an attention disorder is also there. We are working with the school and her, but she is really struggling with hating homework and school in general. There are no bullying issues or anything. We could just really use some positive light regarding how to proceed with helping her (whether we look into alternative schooling vs traditional, or how best to help her adjust to the increased demands of 6th grade, etc.) Thanks in advance for any positive vibes or insight you can send our way. This has been stressful over a long period of time and frustrating for all of us. Thanks!
You've already received great advice, but here is one other thing you might ask your daughter: is she being teased or bullied by classmates?
My son loved school until the 6th grade when he suddenly no longer wanted to go or do his homework. We were at our wits end and couldn't understand why his attitude had changed so radically. Until one day he came home with a bruise on his arm and, when we asked him about it, he burst into tears and finally admitted that a group of kids had been tormenting him on the playground every day for several months. The bullying had reached a level where he was now being physically attacked. He'd never mentioned any of this to us or his teachers. But, he'd given us plenty of clues with his sudden dislike of school and school work.
I hope this is not the case with your daughter, but it is worth considering and *gently* asking her about how she gets along with the other kids at school, just to rule it out as a possibility.
Thanks, RosieHeart, for your suggestion. We do not see bullying as an issue - she has had these similar school issues for the last couple of years (regarding homework) and also some "mean girl" stuff that we have talked about regarding certain kids at school over the last year or so. The school has been responsive and it was never a huge issue, so I don't think it is that. Good to ask about, though, to rule things out. I am sorry your son had to deal with that.
I'm excited to be here and becoming a part of this family of precious souls. I left my reply under the tarot card forum but will get use the different forum shortly.
Nancy