Dear Pat,
I am so sorry for your loss. As a mother who has also lost a child, I can say with certainty that your world will never be the same. Just as your life permanently changed once you became a parent, it changes after losing a child. There will always be that demarcation of your life before losing Eric, and your life after. It's not that your world has ended, but it has changed. It's not a pleasant journey, grief, but it is one that becomes more navigable with time. There are those of us who have made that journey and are still here to tell you it is doable. While your world won't be the same, like after a fire or flood, humans rebuild and the new world can be beautiful.
It will take trial and error to figure out what works best for you. Give yourself time. Take it one minute at a time, then an hour at a time, day by day, etc. You never get over grieving, it just changes. You figure out coping skills that let you cohabitate with the grief, instead of letting it rule the roost. It will eventually be just a small part of your life, lurking in the recesses (and sometimes making surprise appearances when we least expect it down the road). It is different for each of us. We all have our time to go, and unfortunately that means some will pass in close proximity to each other. In our family, we seem to do things in sets of 3 sometimes. We had my step grandmother's funeral, and five days later Monica was gone (the first was a distant relative most of us didn't have much contact with). In April 2020, we lost a cousin on the 1st, my mother on the 20th, and my border collie on the 27th. Between April 2016 and January 2017 it was two uncles and an aunt. It is terrible that timing sometimes causes families to deal with more than one cause of grief at a time, but this too is survivable.
I'm heartened to hear you believe that Eric is at peace. That is a wonderful first step. My nephew was an alcoholic, like his parents, my sister and her husband. He had watched the turbulence the disease had caused in their lives and those around them. Nephew was also on the spectrum (at that point in time called Aspergers) which caused its own issues in his life. He got sober at 25, and swore that if he ever fell off the wagon again, he'd take his own life. He fell off the wagon a month before his 27th birthday. While the loss was tragic, many of us also felt that he was finally more at peace. Instead of looking for 'what ifs', we could understand that his life here was harder than he could deal with, so he made the choice to find peace.
Those left behind are hurting and have a new burden to bear, but guilt should not be one of them in such cases. You've called Eric the youngest, which makes me assume that he left behind at least one sibling. Grief will be different for each member of the family, so there is no one size fits all remedy out there. One of you may need to talk about Eric and Greg, others find it too painful. Be aware of each other's needs, and respect them. There will be friends and family outside your household who can help listen or distract, or provide what you need that may not fit the needs of other household members. Time is what all of you need in the long run-to figure out your collective new beginnings. Everyone here will be sending love and light, as will Greg and Eric. When in doubt about how to proceed, ask Greg or Eric what they would advise, and just listen. Your heart will direct you. They both want the best and brightest for all their family members who were left behind. They both will continue to love you-the physical aspects of our relationships end at death, but not the emotional bonds. Those remain forever.
@cindy I was crying reading your post.
I too think about things happening in threes, but pray that this time it doesn't follow that pattern. In 6 weeks I lost 2 people from my immediate family...that's 2 too many for me.
I have two other children, also grown men. One is stoic and the other, the oldest, is very broken up and feels regret. Lots of could have, should haves. He will seek grief support for sure.
It is hard to comprehend the very public way Eric took his life, as he was NOT that way. Someone told me he did it that way so he could be found. Perhaps.
The three of us, myself, Douglas and Daniel, have a difficult path ahead of us to mourn the deaths of both Greg and now Eric; and celebrate their lives.
Dear Pat, my heart goes out to you, your son Eric, and your other sons. I will be holding all of you in my heart and sending you prayers of peace. I hope you have people around you whom you can lean on now and in the days and months ahead. We here on this forum will be lifting you up in loving support.
@pat-czap There are no words for such tremendous loss as you are experiencing. Please know that you are surrounded by love, as are Greg and Eric. You and I share a connection - my husband is Greg and my son is Eric, too. We are all here for you now and in the difficult days ahead. Reach out and let Jeanne help you, too. ❤️ God bless and comfort you.
Pat, I am so sorry you are dealing with such loss.
Do you, Douglas and Daniel live near each other? If so I hope you can spend time together. If not, I hope you can be together during the holidays which will be difficult to face alone. While we need to heal as individuals, other healing comes from being together as family, sharing memories, grief and laughter. Don't be afraid to tell your friends what you need. People don't know how to help and say the wrong things. Ask for what you need. It is ok.
Thank you for sharing what you are dealing with, with us. I hope we can help. May you feel loved and comforted. May you find peace and hope.
May their memories be a blessing.
@lovendures Daniel, single guy, lives with me, a huge blessing right now. Douglas and family live in St Paul. We are in Ohio.
Greg's 2 sisters came to visit for a few days. We took care of cremation arrangements. They are the thing I did not think I needed.
Thank you to all, for your kind heartfelt replies. ❤
Oh, Pat, I cannot express my sorrow for you deeply enough nor adequately enough. The years of anxiety you must have had on his behalf....I do believe that he is at peace now..but, you still have the ring-of-fire of grief to get through and he will not be on the other side of it. I will think of you in the coming days and send you thoughts of love and comfort and I know many others on this forum will do the same.
In my mind's eye, I imagine that am a large person, much larger than any of us are, and I am rocking you in my arms.
@pat-czap Dear Pat, i am so very sorry for your losses. I have never met you, or even seen what you look like, but last night i had a dream about you. You were in a living room or parlour, playing music. Your husband was in an adjacent room, standing by the doorway, listening. It was obvious that he was enraptured by your music. It was also plain to see how deeply he loves and cares for you. There was someone else in the room he was in, but i couldn't see who it was. That was the whole dream- short, but very sweet. I hope it was ok to post it.
peace and love to you, friend
@unk-p Oh my goodness, Greg loved music , crank up the volume. As a kid, he played the accordion! When I wrote the Obit for our son Eric, music was mentioned as well. Thank you for posting, as that was a sweet image.
@pat-czap I’m just catching up but wanted to express my heartfelt sympathy to you. As a mother I hold you close to my heart. I am sending you love and comfort and will pray that you experience the peace having all of us here for you whenever you need us. This is a beautiful haven. I’m so sorry.
Thank you all, for your love, understanding, strength, healing wishes /vibes. Thank you for including me in the recent Circle of Light.❤ My son Dan and I drove to MN to be with my other son and his family. My little family went from 5 to 3 in such a short time, it is wonderful for the 3 of us to be together. Being with the 3 grandsons is a bonus! Thank you again.
Unfortunately I am still ill. The last 24 hours have been extremely painful physically . Emotionally I am drained.
My goal is to be well enough to visit my mom. This has been my goal for a solid two months now.
Please think a good thought for me. I am hoping all my efforts and healing work will quiet my body down.
@pat-czap, words seem inadequate to express my sadness over the loss of your husband and son. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you and your family. May the memories of the times you shared give you comfort, strength and peace as you move forward.
@ghandigirl I hope there is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, and your spirits lifted so you are able to see your mom. ❤ to you.