CC21,
I wanted to add some things to my response a few days ago concerning your daughter. I was also a kid who resented all the homework. Certain subjects I would shut down on because I couldn't see why I would ever need to know that. About your daughter's age, I attended a school with great teachers that made such a difference even all these yrs later. One teacher did things like create a baseball game using history facts instead of bats and balls. Another taught us how to remember things by drawing cartoons, making up stories or songs etc with the facts. A teacher changed my mind about math by showing how it could be used in the real world. We figured out how much pudding it would take to fill our football stadium or how to build a roller coaster. As soon as I could see how I might use that math related to something that interested me, I was hooked. Something else to consider. I had always been a bookworm until 6th grade when I thought boys might not like me if I was smart. I quit reading for pleasure until I was an adult. I also learned as an empath, how to ground myself and protect my energy each day so I didn't end up drained.
I have a son who was stubborn like me. He said he wasn't going to learn to read until I mentioned all the other things he wouldn't be able to do if he couldn't read. Then I begged him to not learn to read as I couldn't stand to see him unhappy. In the end he was begging me to let him read. He became one of the top readers in his class. Later, his teacher thought he was suddenly having problems reading. Turns out he just hated the Bernstein Bears books that the class was reading. As soon as they began a book about sharks, he was top of the class again. Same thing with times tables. He refused to learn them. He was into army comedies at the time, so my husband turned math homework into boot camp where he did 5 push ups or situps everytime he missed a flash card. My husband made a hilarious drill sergeant. It sounds harsh, but our son giggled all through his boot camp training. He learned the times tables and got a little buff at the same time.? In high school, he never brought a book home to study. He also played a difficult instrument he refused to practice at home. He made good enough grades and was named musician of the yr in both 9th and 12th grades. He just had enough natural talent to skate through. A teacher told me if he applied himself, Ivy League schools would be fighting over him. That didn't interest him in the least. I learned to pick my fights. He skipped college. He got an apprenticeship leading to a high paying job where he uses math every day. ( which I still tease him about) He bought his own house while his friends were just coming out of college with huge debt. He is a successful artist on the side. He is the guy you want on your trivia team. And he is very intuitive. Kids are all different. You just have to stay sensitive to how they learn and adjust expectations to their personalities. It will work out eventually.
Amazing ideas and parenting tips TaG22.
Not only was your son fortunate to have some great teachers, he was blessed with exceptional parents. What a great young man he became, too. Congratulations to all of you!
Thanks so much, TaG22. I love hearing the details of you and your son's experiences. And yes, I totally agree that you have to be sensitive to who your child *is*, rather than who you think they should be. I am totally open to whatever path my daughters are interested in, but I think part of the struggle is knowing when/if you should push them through some struggle to get to the other side, or if that is making things worse. As with many things in life, you don't know how things will turn out, so you have to make the best decisions that you can at any given moment. It is hard!
Thanks again for your thoughtful posts.
CC21,
that is actually the most important point of all for you and your childten, just as it is for us with ours.
Truthfully, we've all been there and faced these choices at one time or another. And if others were to try to force us, well most of us would resist if not outright dislike it.
While some children thrive with challenges, others are so sensitive (and in our empath energy that's a lovely sign not a weakness) that you need to first respect their true nature, their innate self and spirit.
None of us knows who they truly are at their gentle core iof incarnate self or know what and why they carry the spirit's journey they have chosen.
We can sense the uniqueness and love their spirited being whether outwardly or inwardly projected but we don't always see our role or how to best strengthen and empower them.
Continue to show the great love you
have for them and belief in them and their own right to be as they are from time to time in their growth and development. It can go a very long way towards empowerment and allow them the growth time they not we, need.
That's the dichotomy and the other sign of their choices we don't always see or honor.
Bless you and know we support this most important and often most challenging of life's experiences--being a parent. ?
CC21, I was a teacher for a while, though kids a little older than your daughters. My first thought is that having trouble hearing explains a lot of problems, it must be hard for her to follow. It may well be that simply a good hearing aid solves at least half of the trouble.
The issue of hating homework is very, very common. I did myself. What you should be focusing on is not how much homework she does but whether she's learning enough to get good enough grades. For some subjects, like maths, homework is very important for learning. For others, not so much. I suggest explaining to her that the important issue is that she's learning enough, and if she can prove to you that she knows the subject well enough, it doesn't matter how much homework she does. Some teachers take into account whether the homework is done for grades. If that's true for your daughter, you'll have to point it out and explains that sometimes you need to do things you don't like in order to get something you want. Having a little reward after homework is done can help, something like giving her a favorite snack that she won't be allowed till she's finished her homework.
All of the above is assuming that she actually wants to do well at school, or at least doesn't want to do too badly. If she's saying things like she doesn't care about getting bad grades, that's a whole new conversation. Then you'd have to talk with her about what she wants to do when she's grown up, and point out that her options will be seriously limited if she's done badly at school.
I agree, Maria. Sometimes a reward will work. My son was one that didn't respond to bribes or care about grades. He wanted to go on a school trip to Italy in jr high. I told him if he got all A's the next quarter, I would let him go. He said,"I don't want to go that badly." He had an argument that the grading system does not measure true intelligence. While he was right, it is still how schools work. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do things that aren't fun in life. By high school, he used study hall to do his all his homework. Teachers loved him, even though they thought he could do much more. He also had his heart set on becoming a rodeo clown. Even approached the clowns at rodeos for advice. I think it was around that time that I started having to color my grey hair.? Parenting is not for sissies. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.
CC21,
Thank you all (Michele B., Maria, Tag22, villager) for taking the time to reply. I do appreciate it. Yes, the thought process and experiences we have had with her are more involved than is easy to write up in a quick post, so I appreciate all of the advice you all have provided, given your own experiences, etc.
Maria - she did just get some hearing aids this fall to help minimize background noise. Her hearing loss is in the upper ranges so she hears pretty well most of the time, but lots of background noise in a classroom can be bothersome...though also, the hearing aids amplify other distracting noises, so it is a hard balance!
Tag22 - We have tried the reward thing - that doesn't work for her (never has, thinking back even to when she was a toddler...) Her younger sister, however, can often be persuaded by rewards. It is so interesting to see how differently they work/behave/respond to things. I totally agree that parenting is, by far, *the* hardest thing I have ever done!
villager - thank you so much. Your response resonated with me as that is where my thought process has been going for some time. By the way, I wasn't trying to be cryptic in my original post, but like I said earlier it is hard to get all of the details/thought processes into one post without boring/overwhelming anyone reading it. Husband also is open to considering alternatives, but it is not a clear-cut "we should do this" from either our standpoint or our daughter's -- hence our continued confusion/hesitation to make a change. I have been reading/doing research about homeschooling, unschooling, self-directed learning, etc. for the past 2 years so I have a good sense of what others do, how they handle it, etc. and think it could potentially be a good fit for her. But our daughter still enjoys many things about school, and though I think is very perceptive about what she doesn't like, she is only 11, definitely an introvert and does not necessarily know how to articulate or advocate for something different for herself. So what she does now is refuse to do homework and say how much she hates it. She does attend a small school, which is great (it is a K-8 Catholic School, so very supportive, but also rather traditional in its curriculum, homework expectations, etc.) They do a soft transition to true middle school there, so it is still just 2 teachers splitting the subjects. I cannot even imagine her being able to handle a regular public school environment in 6th grade. Yet she scores well on tests, really has a terrific memory and absorbs lots of info, but just gets really frustrated at having to do homework. I totally get her point of view - you can dress it up all you like and try to make it interesting to the kids, but if they don't want to do it, they don't want to do it. I think she saves her most vociferous objections for home (which means she feels safe expressing herself - yay!), but doesn't want to communicate that to the teachers (then again, what kid would?)
I appreciate your encouragement to consider alternatives, especially after a long time of stressors about these same issues. We did some family therapy last spring and that was sort of helpful, sort of not. It can be hard finding a good fit with a therapist.
Anyway - I feel like I am jumping all around with different responses here. :) Thank you all again and please send all the clarifying vibes our way that you can! :) I am the kind of person that can kind of see the way forward and yet in this situation, we have been waiting for/looking for things to shift/click/clarify for a very long time and it is just not happening. All the best to you all!
CC21,
Just the fact that you are so engaged with trying to do the right thing with your daughter is huge. There won't be a magic fix that makes it all better until she is out of school. There will be little victories and plenty of oops, that didn't work out so well moments. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy. Other things you can let slide. It appears that you have really good instincts. I had to apologize to my kids on some occassions. They learned from that that it is okay to make mistakes and admit it. Then you dust yourself off and do better the next time. Other times, I could see they were manipulating the situation. It kept me on my toes. You just have to keep your sense of humor. I think your family is going to figure this all out and be fine. Good luck.
Hey guys it's been a while, my son has had a extremely, speedy recovery. I got for a job interview tomorrow, I am trying to become more people oriented and more social, I have severe social anxiety and it's hard for me sometimes to say what is on my mind. I hope everything goes well, because I'm really interested in this job and need the extra money coming in because of food prices where I live,
Lots of love,
Laynara
Oh, Laynara!
This news is beyond awesome!
Your great love, inside and out, and your deep down strength and power and knowing who you truly are is rising up, stronger and stronger every single day!
Social anxiety is part of our own sensitivities only exaggerated by other genetic and sensitive connections to all that is happening around us and through us.
There's no need to fight it, just acknowledge its presence, respect its warning, tell yourself "I can do this"!
Breathe peace in, blow anxiety out, and let your true light shine.
We are all so happy for your son, your family, and you!
I go to my interview in a few hours, I'm trying my hardest to stay calm, I honestly don't know what to expect. And thank you Michele your amazing and thank you all for the support.
Laynara,
Sending you love, peace and calming, You deserve this, are qualified, and have earned it. You go girl ❣
Hi all - I wanted to ask for some good thoughts and light for my husband who is scheduled for knee replacement surgery on Tuesday. Hoping the surgery goes smoothly and his recovery as well. He is young (49), but this is an old injury that has been steadily getting worse over the years and he is finally to the point of replacement. Hoping this gives him the pain relief and mobility that he would like. Thanks to you all!
CC21, I am happy to send positive, healing energy to your husband for a successful knee replacement surgery next week. May you both be surrounded by the protection of love and grace from our higher, angelic powers during this experience. Be at peace. Sending you love and light.
Thank you so much, Bluebelle!
CC21, sending positive healing energy to both of you, for you are both in this healing together. I see him recovering, with you standing tall and strong next to him, keeping the faith, a beacon of light. Yes, he is quite young and he will fully recover, but I see he is quick sick of this injury and discouraged at times, as anyone would be. But he will fully recover. It will help if he knows he will fully recover and give that knee a chance to talk to him and tell him what it wants from him.
Thank you, Jeanne. This is good to hear. Yes, he blew out 3 of the 4 ligaments on the knee when he was 19. It was reconstructed, but arthritis and instability in the ligaments as well as scar tissue, etc. has been a constant problem, most recently worsening a few months ago. He is definitely looking forward to getting this done! I really appreciate your comments/thoughts about the process.
Hello,
im asking for prayers and support. I have a very difficult time with depression, especially in the fall, winter, and early spring. But I am prone to depression all year.
im taking Paxil right now, the med that has helped me the most. I’m still having painful emotional feelings in my gut and lack of motivation. I’m pushing, but something has come up. I take the brand name of Paxil as the generic I took really didn’t do more than make me very tired.
Something is going on with the distributor. They are changing and the earliest I’ll get more is late January. I have 3 pills left. The thought of being out of the one drug that has helped me out of about 6 is so frightening. It’s like a person feeling pretty good and knowing food poisoning may be around the corner. I’m anticipating more depression. Walgreens is getting me another generic. I hope it works but these generics aren’t necessarily the real thing. At the same time, I’ve learned my therapist is going to work less days and perhaps go into management. I freaked out as she is so helpful. I’ve learned a lot in a year and a half. I didn’t want to grill her as to when all this is happening, but I’m scared. Ideas, prayers, support are greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Anita