Rowsella, I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending light, love, & strength to you & your family.
Rowsella, I feel how much you wanted to protect your precious little brother. I feel your power too, the queen of wands, you are - queen of great kundalini energy with her little brother who at one point bathed in that energy. I hope in the coming days and weeks, you can feel him somewhere in your midst again. There is no death, just transformation. Now he will rest and rise and go back to his soul's home. And he will be with you too when you think of him.
There is a Buddhist ritual I learned after I lost my first husband. I wasn't a Buddhist but I tried it and it had a powerful healing affect on me.
You get up at day break when the earth transforms from night to day, from yin to yang. It is a powerful and sacred time when spirits can come and meet you. You are going to do this for 55 days.
You have a place in the house, perhaps near a window, where you will meet him. You light a candle and have some things like fresh spring water, maybe a crystal or something simple and sacred.
You meet him there and say three things to him:
1. Thank you.
2. I'm okay.
3. You can go now.
When you say each thing, let yourself feel it. When I would say, "I'm okay," I'd sob, because I was not okay. But it was good to vent my pain. When I said, "Thank you," I remembered things that I was grateful for about knowing him. Then when I said, "you can go now, " I was wishing him well and to be free. And it freed me too. I felt a huge weigh lifted off of me at the end of the 55 days. I will forever be grateful for learning that ritual.
You do this for 55 days. Then at the end of the 55 days, he gets to leave, and you both are lighter for the time together. It is therapeutic for you. It enables him to rise and be free.
Bless you, Rowsella. Sending love and surrounding you with care.
Rowsella - I am so sorry to hear of all that you and your family, especially your brother, are going through. Drugs and mental illness are issues that surround many of us. I may help, when you feel up to it, to read a wonderful book called Unbroken Brain, by Maia Szalavitz. She was a drug addict in her youth and has since become a psychologist and researcher. She uses her own experiences to illuminate recent scientific discoveries related to drug addiction. It's actually a very hopeful book, it may give you some insights into your nephew.
In Buddhist tradition (which I loosely follow), there is the concept of The Bardo - it's a period of 45-55 days where the soul of a beloved departed is caught in a limbo between this world and their next life. In the Tibetan tradition, this is when family members read aloud from The Book of the Dead, in order to encourage the spirit to move on and to do so wisely and without fear. What Jeanne is suggesting is very similar, I hope you will give it a try, and may you find peace in any case.
Thank you so much. I am going to try as Jeanne suggests. I am also going to try to read from that book as well. I realize that I could not alter his pattern once he made that choice. I could only tell him I loved him and he knew I did. I am not going to try to save or fix his children. I will offer love to them, advice and guidance but I don't have the resources for more than that. I am leaving today to Tennessee for his funeral (it is on Sunday). I am going to reserve my best help for my sister. She is going to administer his estate along with his daughter.
Rowsella,
I don't have much to add, except to say that I am sorry for your loss, and will be holding your brother, you, and your family in my thoughts over coming days.
Laura, you may have just explained to me why that Buddhist ritual is 55 days long. Thank you! I know about the Bardo state, but hadn't realized it was 45-55 days or that it was related to the ritual. When I did it for my first husband, I didn't learn about the ritual until several years after he died. I did it anyway, and it had a powerful effect.
Rowsella, wishing you a good journey.
My son is doing wonders, thanks for keeping us in your thoughts. He is allowed to socialize, but i don't know if I made the right choice taking him to my friend's last night, because this morning they woke up with a fever, headaches, body aches, vomiting, and puking. I a, keeping an eye on him but it worries me, his healing has barely even started. Thank you all for listening to me for rambling, Laynara?
Laynara,
It’s not rambling for a strong woman to seek understanding and support. I’m praying for you, your son and your family.
Since my Mother passed on September 24 , I keep hearing her call me. When I was younger and she would correct me about something she would use my full first name she’d call out RobinMarie come here. I’ve been hearing her voice calling RobinMarie then it jumps to this:
when they see a strong woman, they think you do not need anything or anyone, that you can bear whatever happens. Because you are a strong woman.
When they see you as a strong woman, they just look for you to help them carry their burdens. They never think you have your own burdens.
A strong woman is not asked if she is tired, suffering or has fears and anxiety. The important thing is that she is always there: a lighthouse in the storm or a rock in the middle of the sea.
The strong woman is not forgiven anything. If she loses control, she is weak. If she loses her temper, she is hysterical.
when the strong woman disappears for a minute, it is immediately noticeable, but when she is there, her presence is usual.
But the strength that is needed every day to be that strong woman, does not matter.
Being a strong woman, is never easy, but she does it. She gathers that strength and pushes on.
Robyn, may the memory of your mother be an eternal blessing. I love the words about a strong woman.
Hi all,
Just wanting to reach out for a little support. We have had school difficulties with our two daughters (age 11 and 9.) Last year it was particularly rough for the 9 year old, but this year she is doing much better. However, our 11 year old is really struggling this year. She has some known anxiety and also some hearing issues (she just received hearing aids a few weeks ago to help minimize background noise, which is the main distractor), and has an accommodations plan with school for some adjustments to help. However, we are waiting on some additional testing to see if an attention disorder is also there. We are working with the school and her, but she is really struggling with hating homework and school in general. There are no bullying issues or anything. We could just really use some positive light regarding how to proceed with helping her (whether we look into alternative schooling vs traditional, or how best to help her adjust to the increased demands of 6th grade, etc.) Thanks in advance for any positive vibes or insight you can send our way. This has been stressful over a long period of time and frustrating for all of us. Thanks!
I had a very rough (as in lucky I survived) period at about that age myself. (Totally ashamed at what I put my mother through but that's 20/20 hindsight.) I was frustrated with school and hated it myself. With my own children I have sat down with them every night at the kitchen table and provided homework support. Sometimes I'd read, sometimes I'd be washing the dishes, but I was always no more than two steps away when they had a question. Speaking from my own experience, when my homework was done and understood I felt much better about school. You will need bottomless patience. Good luck and positive thoughts and light your way (and hers).
p.s. I got through it and went on to get a college degree and have a wonderful career. It will get better.
Sometimes, just asking your child what would help goes along way. There may be others things going on that you haven't thought of. I loved driving my kids to their activities as they would really open up to me in the car. We would have the best conversations. Does she like the school she is at? Does she like the teachers and kids? Is she embarrassed with the extra help she is receiving? She might learn differently than the other kids. Does she have an interest or talent outside of school? That might offer creative ways that can be tied into her homework to get her interest. Kids are under so much pressure these days. Especially at that age. Just feeling like she is heard will help her feel more secure. Sending her and you some love.
CC21,
I went thru that phase at about the same age. My issues came from boredom and the feeling like the teachers wouldnt entertain my thoughts and opinions, so why should I entertain their requests for homework. It was a respect issue that was never fixed early and followed me for many years, but I changed it once I realized it.
If she is being treated differently(even subtly she will pick up on it), she can lose the respect she needs to work hard for the teachers she has. Talk to her and set aside a sitdown conversation where she knows anything she says will not get her in trouble so she can be completely open with you. Bluntly ask her why she thinks she is having these issues, reassuring her every step of the way that you are only having this conversation to help her. When she starts talking, dont offer solutions-just ask questions until she fully articulates the problems she is having. Once she is done, ask her hpw you should go about fixing them and let her give all the answers(leading her if need be).
If she feels fully open and listened to from you, then you can relay the problems to the school/teacher without any interference she might be getting.
Thanks, MAS1581. I appreciate your feedback. We have definitely had some good discussions with her and have her perspective on quite a bit. Hard to explain it all here, but she is a very quiet kid, especially in school, and always has trouble speaking up. The school environment can be draining for her, as an introvert with anxiety and hearing issues! So, by the time she gets home, she is just done. But yet, she does have an opinion on the value of homework (hates to do it, thinks it is "stupid" - and I have to say that I see her point, though I would phrase it differently. I don't think that piling more work onto kids after a full day is the most productive or helpful thing and there are many recent studies that reflect elementary and even middle school homework is of little to no benefit.)
Anyway, we definitely will continue to talk with her as things proceed - I love taking a "what if" approach with her - if you didn't go to school, what would you do? What would your ideal set-up be? And she has come up with some great things that mesh with what I have read about some relaxed homeschool and/or self-directed learning options. Lots to consider as the school environment and teachers are, on the whole, very supportive and a great community (it is a K-8 school) and there are many things that she enjoys about being there.
Thanks again to you all for your perspectives, advice and good vibes!
CC21, try having her use the homework to "teach" you what shes learning in school. If she finds value in it(by helping her parent learn) she will be more apt to give it a try even when drained.
Hi all,
Just wanting to reach out for a little support. We have had school difficulties with our two daughters (age 11 and 9.) Last year it was particularly rough for the 9 year old, but this year she is doing much better. However, our 11 year old is really struggling this year. She has some known anxiety and also some hearing issues (she just received hearing aids a few weeks ago to help minimize background noise, which is the main distractor), and has an accommodations plan with school for some adjustments to help. However, we are waiting on some additional testing to see if an attention disorder is also there. We are working with the school and her, but she is really struggling with hating homework and school in general. There are no bullying issues or anything. We could just really use some positive light regarding how to proceed with helping her (whether we look into alternative schooling vs traditional, or how best to help her adjust to the increased demands of 6th grade, etc.) Thanks in advance for any positive vibes or insight you can send our way. This has been stressful over a long period of time and frustrating for all of us. Thanks!
You've already received great advice, but here is one other thing you might ask your daughter: is she being teased or bullied by classmates?
My son loved school until the 6th grade when he suddenly no longer wanted to go or do his homework. We were at our wits end and couldn't understand why his attitude had changed so radically. Until one day he came home with a bruise on his arm and, when we asked him about it, he burst into tears and finally admitted that a group of kids had been tormenting him on the playground every day for several months. The bullying had reached a level where he was now being physically attacked. He'd never mentioned any of this to us or his teachers. But, he'd given us plenty of clues with his sudden dislike of school and school work.
I hope this is not the case with your daughter, but it is worth considering and *gently* asking her about how she gets along with the other kids at school, just to rule it out as a possibility.
Thanks, RosieHeart, for your suggestion. We do not see bullying as an issue - she has had these similar school issues for the last couple of years (regarding homework) and also some "mean girl" stuff that we have talked about regarding certain kids at school over the last year or so. The school has been responsive and it was never a huge issue, so I don't think it is that. Good to ask about, though, to rule things out. I am sorry your son had to deal with that.
I'm excited to be here and becoming a part of this family of precious souls. I left my reply under the tarot card forum but will get use the different forum shortly.
Nancy