Hi. I'm in a very dark place right now with no way out and no one to help. My dad is dying and my moms been abusing me emotionally and psychologically for 4 years ever since dad got diagnosed with cancer. Since then I've been trying desperately to find a job since graduating art college in 2017. I have had no luck and have been applying to studio jobs wigh no luck. constantly feeling depressed because no one wants to hire me. I feel like a failure. I have these great skills that I am meant to use to help people but if I can't get a job how am I going to help anyone? How am I going to fulfill my purpose if I can't use my gift?
I've been told by all my friends and family and complete strangers that my career was going to start very soon. I even asked for a sign and 2 hawks showed up outside my window. Even a family friend of ours who is psychic said the same thing and I'd end up doing great things for people and the entertainment Industry but "soon" never seems to happen and I'm stuck in this perpetual hell. I've been desperately seeking a single answer as to when this "soon" will be. But I can't get anything not even a month. It's been making me crazy.
I Don't know what to do
@perriwinkle10, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could take away your pain. Linda knows how much you love her.
Linda was a beautiful, shining light in many people's lives. And you are a beautiful, shining light to this community. Please take whatever time you need to grieve, and remember how much we care about you. May our love surround you and give you comfort and strength in the days ahead.
@ratbum I am so sorry for the sadness, frustration, and pain you are going through. I am not sure what type of artist you are ( fine or performing) but my advice to you is use your art to process your feelings & allow your artistic voice to give you hope. I too am an artist and 23 years out of grad school. I have been employed one way or another the entire time. However, most of my opportunities came when I created first ( with what and whom I could - whatever resources at hand). I have been self employed & employed by others- just trust your art & look for ways to SHARE it- If no one is hiring now- consider hiring yourself. Then you can be flexible with your time & needs of your family & create what you feel needs to be addressed in the world. Wishing you luck & love & strength❤️
@ratbum - I second everything Shawn said, and this gives some of the context from your post on the Dreams thread, so I'll head back over there in a minute to edit my reply.
Meanwhile - in addition to what Shawn said, I advise getting away from anyone abusive or toxic asap, especially if it's your mother. It may mean taking a job for a time that you don't love, or living somewhere you don't love, but please consider strongly getting out. You'll have to help yourself on this one, since no one else can or will. I'm so not saying to give up on your art, not at all, I'm saying that sometimes we have to prioritize our own mental health.And while you think this has been going on for the last 4 years, chances are excellent that it's been going on your whole life but more subtly so you didn't notice.Those of us traumatized by abusive parents grow up thinking how we grew up is normal.
Don't give up, keep trying at the art, but at the same time make a plan to get out from under the toxicity, whatever it takes. The biggest regret I have in life is that I neglected to get as far away and as fast as I could from my own psycho-emotionally abusive mother. I didn't get away from her til I was 50 years old. A half century of pointless suffering in which my own artistic endeavors got squashed by trauma and I did not even get a chance to realize any of my dreams as a result. Last point: trauma like this absolutely changes the brain, it literally will affect your thinking and cognition for the rest of your life.
GET OUT.
Then start putting your pieces back together, unpack them from your emotional baggage and get on with life.
"Illegitimi non carborundum"
@ratbum
I will second and third what others have said. Create your art for yourself right now. Get a job doing something else temporarily. Think of it like the actress who has a job as a server or the actor who also works at a department store while they go on auditions. With just a bachelors degree you could be a substitute art teacher in a school or perhaps even a full time art teacher even. There is a need for your skills in schools everywhere and you could teacher until your can completely follow your dreams. Create something about/for your father. it might help you deal with your emotions right now too. Some musical composers best pieces are composed when they are dealing with very emotional issues. The same goes for many different fine arts artists.
@ratbum
You are going to be okay. I’ve been thinking about you and the word crucible came to me. You, your mother and father are all in this crucible together, suffering each in your own way. If you stop and think about it, each of you is worried: about death and dying, about loss, about dreams unfulfilled, about life not turning out the way you want. Each of you is scared of the present and uncertain future. Each of you is most likely angry. You’re angry that your career isn’t moving forward as quickly as you hope. I imagine your father is angry about dying too soon and that your mother is angry about losing him. So here you all are suffering during this series of events and feel stuck. (Besides the word crucible, I also saw the upside down hanged man from the Thoth tarot and saw you feeling stuck.). This sad, hurtful time will not last forever. When you come out of it, each one of you in your family will be a changed person. Many years from now, you will look back at this time in your life and see things from a different perspective, having compassion for your younger self, for your father, for your mother.
You have gifts. You can step outside yourself and look at yourself, your father and your mother in a new way. You will never regret being compassionate and loving in spite of the real struggles of life. I realize I’m totally not addressing your career worries, but that’s because I see that working out just fine in the right time. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and am sending you love.
Sometimes I feel like everyone and the entire universe hates me. I feel like sometimes I would be better off dead because sometimes the hurt from all the struggling and going nowhere and the hopelessness is so bad I can't take it. And dont know what else to do.
Thanks for letting me talk guys.
@ratbum
If you think you would be better off dead, this is a clear indication that you should seek professional help for yourself. Truly, you can get through these feelings of despair and sadness and feel better again. There are resources you can call for help. Counseling really helps and I know this from personal experience. Dear heart, you are loved and your life is precious.
@ratbum
Please hold on to hope, and know that the pain you are experiencing will pass, just as all things must. Think of it like being in the midst of winter, with no sign of spring, yet we know that spring will arrive in its time. It is terribly difficult to endure when the need for a change is intense and immediate and we feel confused about just what we need to do to help those things happen and it seems like we're alone and the world is not responding to our need. I've been in that place several times in my life, once was so long and terribly dark and painful that I made a suicide attempt. I was very young, and had no faith that things would improve. I am beyond grateful that I failed, because life has taken me on a journey that I wasn't capable of imagining at that time, and even with ups and downs, it has been so, so much better than I would ever have thought. These difficult, intense feelings and circumstances are like powerful storms washing over us, and all of them will move out and dissipate. Just please hang in there, and get whatever support you can find to help you stay strong and weather the storm! Sorry for the mixed metaphors here, and sending you love and strength. ❤️
@ratbum
I have no advice for you except to hope you live in a large city that would support your skills. I'm wishing all best and hope for the future.