@moonbeam Welcome to our community. I so feel for you. Alzheimer's is so cruel when it happens to someone you love and so extra cruel that it happened when you had your child. I want to wrap you in our love, dear moonbeam.
@ Stargazer and Jeanne, thank you for your welcome. Let's turn this world towards the light!
I don't need thoughts or healing so much ... but today I'm just feeling really down about the world and humanity in general. I'm aware I was born a pessimist, however nothing in my time here on Earth has changed that. I'm feeling more misanthropic than ever. Sorry.
I remain grateful for our lockdown time, I have nothing to complain about personally. I'm not suicidal or anything, far from it, I'm actually less depressed/anxious than prior to the pandemic. For me it's more of a wish-I'd-never-been-born scenario. Before any of you start quoting "It's a Wonderful Life" to me, you need to know that I have always disagreed with the primary sentiments in that movie. Why? Because I believe that the Universe really does provide what's needed, and that, for example, had George not been there to pull his brother out of the pond, someone else would have.
Maybe I shouldn't have looked up plagues of the past. The Justinian Plague of the 6th century really set me back today. And then I was asked to relate a family story of the 1918 FluPandemic, which I did -- long story short grandparents were survivors, however several of their siblings died of it. Yes, modern medicine holds way more hope for dealing with novel plagues as they come along, however human nature seems to be to forget. And forget. And forget. Technology changes but human nature not so much.
I've said it before, but I just can't get past thinking that the default setting for human is "self-protecting, murderous ape with opposable thumbs."
End of rant... sorry...
"Every time a bell rings ....."
Nooo, don't hit me Laura! Just kidding ... ?
For awhile now ( last couple of months) I've been going through bouts of severe depression at times that are directly caused by the crazy circumstances that we all find ourselves in ... and I can so relate to what you are feeling today....
This author, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, came across my path, and in her books she discusses the ' Five Stages of Grief'... denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
It sort of dawned on me that the world has been feeling this process since the demon virus has attempted to take over our lives, and the anger stage seems to be manifesting alot. Kubler-Ross states in her writings too that "(The process) doesn't proceed in linear, predictable fashion".... so we could be experiencing several stages at the same time... heavy jelly.
With all the retro planets happening that I keep going on and on about, it's just a flamin' challenge ... more important than ever to keep our hearts to the light and our hands on the wheel, and to be kind to ourselves ...
Tomorrow and tomorrow and the next day ...
Sending you love beautiful Laura, and hope some of this rambling resonated with you ... peace ?
Thanks. Your post put me in mind of this, though:
I have read at least one article comparing what we are feeling as a collective to the stages of grief noted by Kubler-Ross.
I know you know yourself and your personality better than anyone else.
I wonder, have you ever tried being actively grateful? Finding things to be grateful for in your daily life, every day, no matter how lousy the day has been? I notice the more I search out reasons for gratitude, the more it becomes part of my life. Gratitude lightens my mood. Gratitude lifts me. It also alters my perceptions deep inside my being.
Marvelous!
My Shakespeare is a bit rusty, but I have always liked this piece from Hamlet :
Doubt thou the stars are fire
Doubt that the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt I love
(Will)
"And to all, a good night ...."
(Santa Claus ?)
I do that every day. I am grateful for a lot, the small picture stuff is wonderful. My days in quarantine have been way better than expected, I'm actually quite happy here in my own little bubble. What gets me is the big picture stuff, not finding a lot to be grateful for there. I'm well aware these things are out of my control, even so, I feel like things will not ever get better in my lifetime and maybe not even in my daughter's.
@ Stargazer and Jeanne, thank you for your welcome. Let's turn this world towards the light!
Welcome moonbeam. Your name is lovely and conjures up light and elegance.
I can't recall who wrote first about their mother and their daughter. I want to say this to all of us women here as we are all somebody's daughter...now that I am both a mother and a daughter I see how fraught with regret both paths can be. The weight of mistakes made in both of these very important, core, self defining relationships, can sour us to interacting.
All I can say, from my own experience, is that as I practice gratitude, as I forgive all of us, I insert peacefulness into the situation. Sometimes my gratitude is simply that I have breath in my lungs. Sometimes it is remembering the wonder and joy of stewarding a life into birth.
My mother has dementia and I lost my father, in part, to Alzheimer's. We were/are lucky that both parents have retained their basically sunny nature.
I knew a man who suffered in the way your mother is suffering, with a change in personality. I feel strongly she is still there underneath that symptom. Maybe try speaking to that version. If not, you can offer love in a card, that she can reread. and if she is prone to throwing it back in your face or something, know that some part of her is aware of the love being offered, even if the disease prevents her from responding as her higher self.
I also can respond as a person with mental/mood/illness and the daughter of a person with mental/mood/illness, AND now the mother of a newly diagnosed daughter with mental/mood/illness. It near killed my spirit when my child told me she has most of what I have. I was horrified for her, knowing how difficult this path is to manage even semi-comfortably, often.
I also wallowed in regret for things that my brain had me do, that were not in line with who I wanted to be and how I wanted to parent. I am learning to reframe these regrets and mistakes. I am working not to flog myself with them. I am looking for the silver lining.
And the truth is, my mother is teaching me things even now as she declines. And I have taught my daughter the comfort of being on the right meds and being relaxed.Would that I had been diagnosed at 20, my life surely would have been an easier path to walk. However, would she have had the incentive to get checked out if not for my example of an undiagnosed illness going off the rails? So it served it's purpose, even though it was painful and hard to understand or accept at the time.
Your mother is teaching you to see beyond symptoms. Feel the knowledge that you love her and she loves you. Do what you must to protect your energy. Being moms means we have to stay healthy as we are no longer living mostly just for ourselves. Try to let go of guilt about your mom. My mom misses me terribly and doesn't fully always remember why she can't see us. I did feel guilty but, this virus has forced me to look at the safety aspect. I am keeping her safe by keeping my distance. Distancing yourself from your mother, especially to tend to your daughter, is a loving act. You are giving her less of a reason to act out which is giving her more peace.
At least that's how I see it. Maybe something I've written will resonate.
And for Laura F.
Keep the Faith. This will pass. :)
p.s. i enjoyed the Wednesday meditation. Everything was cracking on me after weeks of stress.