Perhaps you addressed this in an earlier post that I missed, but did you ever have surgery for the detached retina? When I had my surgery for the macular hole, it also eliminated the numerous floaters in that eye.
You and I have a lot in common: approx. the same age (turning 68 this year), same birth month (July), SAD, prone to depression since childhood, anxiety, heat sensitivity, sensitivities to chemicals, smells, loud noises (i.e. sensory overload), history of trauma (many on this site have that history as well), unusual illnesses (also shared by many on this site -- mine have been autoimmune in nature). When I reread what I just wrote, it all sounds heavy, burdensome, and one-sided. But on the flip side, how about extremely resilient, wise, insightful, compassionate, creative? And could we have achieved that latter richness, without many of the life experiences that brought us here? I’m not so sure.
I too have problems meditating in the classic sense; in my situation, it’s too easy to dissociate. I agree with @bluebelle about the value in gratitude meditation. In my case there are times when I’m so exhausted that I feel almost a free-floating resentment towards those who appear energetic and “normal.” When that happens, the last thing I want to do is focus on what I am grateful for; I’m too mad! So I might choose to stay mad for a while. At some point I get sick of feeling that way, and eventually look in another direction, acknowledging life’s gifts. I’ll want to feel grateful, so I eventually become grateful, even for some of those life experiences that have been especially challenging and traumatic. (Note that I stated “some” of those experiences … I haven’t evolved enough to embrace everything!)
@coyote 's loving kindness meditation suggestion also works well for me. Or even a moving meditation: Tai Chi, Qigong, walking a labyrinth or in nature. Anything that gets me outside of myself and my head and/or overpowering emotions. My guides often have to tell me to “lighten up.” I can sometimes be too serious and take on the sins of the world, in addition to my own. There is always room for laughter and joy, even in the midst of the personal and global darkness. They can coexist.
I also find writing or drawing with my non-dominant hand helpful. It switches on the non-judging part of my brain, which feels very spontaneous and calming.
I understand about being hampered by fatigue “out of the blue.” It’s hard for me to make plans, not knowing how I might feel on any given day. My particular illness can render me exhausted quickly, sometimes with additional symptoms that can frighten me. I’ve encountered situations where I’ve had to ask strangers for help -- which I still dislike doing – but I’ve discovered how kind people can be. If volunteering does appeal to you, perhaps you could find a volunteering situation that would be understanding and work with you? With your life experiences, wisdom and sensitivities, you have much to offer.
Anyway, those are some of my thoughts. Perhaps something may resonate.
Meanwhile ... you've got me craving an egg custard!
Lots of love and peace to you, Anita.
Vitamin D3 (at least 5,000u/day), also K2, and another mood boosting supplement is 5-HTP. It's derived from fish oil, but safe for those of us allergic to fish, it's a dissolvable, and the best brand is Carlson's. If you don't have fish allergies, Cod Liver Oil (gelcaps or just the oil) helps, as does CBD/Hemp oil. I also take St. Johns Wort in winter, and I always take Eleuthero.
If there's no sun to be had outside, look into a Full Spectrum Lamp - they're not that expensive, my brother in Ohio swears by his. Yeah we all have S.A.D. in my family. The only thing that has cured mine is moving to San Diego. We have had a rainy winter, but we still have lots of sunny days in between and when it's sunny here, it's not half-assed like in FL, it's bright and clear and dry. Maybe a weekend down here would do the trick if that's within your budget planning.
Lastly, when I lived in a cold climate, once every week or two I'd cook up a "Hell No Winter Meal". Usually something summery like a chicken salad, sorrel soup, watermelon, oranges, caprese salad, pasta with pesto or raw tomato sauce, grilled veggies. Always accompanied by either a summery adult beverage (e.g. margarita, piña colada, bloody mary), or a light crisp white wine (e.g., Frascati or Vermentino or Vinho Verde). I'd blast the heat in the house for a couple of hours and turn on all the lights and blast happy music. It helped.
I know exactly how you feel, and I dreaded Fall and the holidays always because to me winter solstice was just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. I remember Easter blizzards too well...
Thanks, Deetoo,
im so amazed by how much we have in common. Yesterday, I had unbelievable energy and desire to do things I’ve been putting off. Today, I’m so tired. I don’t get it. Going to see if I can cut down on klonopin.....or up my Paxil. There was a little sun at moments yesterday. But still, this was more energy and motivation than I remember having in many years. I’m so confused. But today, back to my tired, down self. It is good to know I’m not alone with all my stuff.
Thanks, Laura.
i lived in LA for 40 years and would get very depressed on those few rainy days a year. And I was depressed often anyways.
i do have the lamp. I do take Vitamin D. And I do take CBD hemp oil when I can’t sleep. If I take too much, I’m very tired the next day.
I have friends in San Diego. One is a therapist, but she’s critical of me. Or harsh the way she says things. I feel like going to Disneyland, but also feel the need to be near my therapist and acupuncturist.
i can’t use St John’s Wort because of the meds I’m on. I can’t drink cuz alcohol makes me feel weird and anxious. And with meds, I definitely can’t drink. Sometimes I wish I could have a happy pill that really works.
Hi Anita, I'm sending you some love and light. I just wondered if you've also had your hormone levels checked too? I was going through a minor depression last year and it turned out my thyroid levels on the surface looked ok, but were borderline hypothyroid. When they finally got me on some medicine (took a few tries to get it right) I have noticed I'm no longer depressed. I hope you feel better soon...HUGS!! ? ❤️
Thank you, Tricia. Yes, I get my hormone levels checked. That’s why I’m on hydrocortisone and progesterone and a thyroid supplement. Sometimes I wonder if the supplements are strong enough, but the rechecks on these levels show them to be good now. My next hormone recheck is in March.
Anita
I'm so sorry you have to deal with so much at the same time. In my own situation I refer to it as "the usual tightrope walk". One misstep and I suffer.
You don't have to put alcohol in the drinks - something fruity and with an umbrella stuck in it will work just as well, I also enjoy a virgin colada or a virgin mary.
And I hope you can get to Disneyland or any other happy place!
@anita, what does your eye doc say about the floaters and shadow? Surgery for the macular hole, which I had, doesn't use laser. They use specific instruments to remove the vitreous gel with a small incision. Since floaters are contained in the gel, when the gel is removed, so are the floaters. I believe that's their main procedure for getting rid of floaters.
@anita, I'm attaching a video that was shared with me by my physical therapist. This won't help you with SAD, but you may find the exercise helpful with calming your sympathetic nervous system. It's subtle, but often works well for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHBpHl0oebo