I am feeling very confused, sad, and hurt by the situation which drags on with my daughter.
I am not sure if my feelIngs are justified. I just know that I have lost faith again in ever being a real part of her life.
She left me a voice mail message saying I was passive aggressive when I wrote to her about her great aunts death because her father had already told her. What she doesn't know is I asked him to tell her and then it felt so awful I broke the silence and wrote her anyway. It also felt awful hearing her voice and being insulted up front, first thing.
I wrote that I didn't understand why she doesn't speak to me and don't know what to do. After that hurtful comment she went and assured me in her message she wasn't ignoring me but busy and stressed and promised we would get together. And then ignored me. I am always waiting. Waiting to be wanted. Waiting to be loved.
I see she is in a show and I want to go but that hurts too. We did theater together. No one told me as usual. Found out online as usual. She posted about it in February.
It just hurts. I would say pray for her, for her heart to return to mine but I can't. So I will just ask please pray for me that my heart will not ache like it does tonight and every other night. This is so hard . I dont deserve this heartache.
@ghandigirl I feel like although my circumstance is different that the underlying feeling I experienced regarding my children and custody being out of my control relates somewhat to what you describe.
I don’t know whether it’s possible logistically but have you considered therapy or family therapy with your daughter? Therapy is now on zoom so you don’t even need to be in the same town.
One of the things that I had to do was learn to accept my circumstances and trust that they were an opportunity for growth. This took a while but was valuable for me to understand how to expand and grow… You can’t control what your daughter does but you can control your choices.
My daughter, like her father, considers therapy as a weakness. The marriage ended after he quit therapy with me again.
She considers written messages as manipulative. She doesn't return communications and is unkind in blowing me off even on Mothers Day and my birthday some years.
I really can't accept this because while it is her loss, because I am worth knowing, much worse than that that she is wastimg time Time is precious. We can't get it back.
I just need a little light sent to my heart. Believe me I have looked at this from every angle for the last ten years. And it always comes back to loss. I lost that whole life I lived for 25 years. All of it.And somehow lost her closeness. We were very close.
I am going to ask my ex for a ride to the show. We agreedto go together if she was performing. I am reclaiming my time. I am not going to miss another event just because she chooses not to invest in our relationship. I will be a mom, her mom, whether she wants that or not. I cannot be erased.
I am strong and I will get through this. Thanks for writing.
You can act in a way that is true to your mother-self while also letting go of expectations regarding her response to you. You can go to her performance without expecting her to be glad that you attended. Let her know that you are always in her corner, supporting her from a distance, but any attempts at "guilting" her or any sort of grasping energy will push her away. It is hard to do and it requires you managing your own sadness and anxiety, which can be a challenge, as you well know.
I think I have recommended these books before but here they are again, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, and oddly enough, Be Your Own Medical Intuitive: Healing Your Body and Soul by Tina Zion. Harriet Lerner offers practical advice about interacting and Tina Zion gives some intuitive-type techniques. Both are kind and intelligent ladies.
I know this is hard. Love yourself and for now, love her from a respectful distance.
Rainclouds words are wise and well stated.
Of course you want a happy and healthy relationship with your daughter. That might happen in time. But, the wall between you will grow taller if you act toward her in a way where you are perceived as feeling entitled.
If you continue to have expectations, you will continue to be disappointed.
If you go to her show, it can't be about your needs and hopes. If you see her after, keep it simple. If you don't see her afterward, and decide to write a short note, keep it simple. "You were lovely on stage tonight, you must be so proud. Congratulations!" That works for either scenario. Doing more is risky.
Don't expect a positive response, or any response. She likely will not appreciate the fact that you came, so don't make it awkward. Don't make it about your needs. If you go, you are being given a beautiful memory of your daughter on stage. Hold that in your heart, not what she is able to give to you `in return on a personal level. Do not go if you expect more. Do not go if you think you will get upset. She will sense that and worry what your expectations are of her.
Think of her as a wounded animal who no longer trusts. Her anger and fear doesn't just disappear because you wish it to disappear, just as a stray animal will not easily come to you to receive food if you are offering it to them. They might take the food if you leave it for them and walk away. But it is on their terms as to when and how they decide to have the food you offer.
It isn't on your terms.
Leave the door open, but don't watch from the doorway. She isn't coming closer if she knows you are at the doorway waiting for her to approach.
Follow Up- My ex agrees we should go together, he will drive, and he wrote that my daughter is checking to see if the Mother's Day Matinee will be running. That was a pleasant surprise.
Last year I boycotted Mother's Day, stayed off the computer, and I forget what we did but we treated it here like any other day. I focused on my mother instead.
I am not getting my hopes up. Expectations are premeditated resentments. But I feel good about the level of my recovery. I feel more stable, more "normal." And I am grateful that my ex and I are united around her and enough time has gone by to cool things down between us.
I don't even know what the show is I just know she is in it. The theater company is helmed by a young man who played my son in a show when he was ten. Looking forward to seeing some old theater friends.
Recent events surrounding my child have happened and especially lovendures, what you said is spot on.
I keep getting blindsided and have to reorient. I know it is unhealthy to dwell in disappointment. When I make it about me, I cannot rise above the grief. I cannot get beyond the hurt. But I am only spinning my wheels, recycling sorrow.
The sadness appears to be a very deep well. I just can't afford to keep going back to the well, when the well is dry. She continues, for whatever reason, to distance herself.
So I am going to shift my focus. A professor of mine likened this practice to picking up the needle on a record and going to a different groove.
Will I be successful. No, not always. I will have to try.
Quick G dwink: I fell asleep for about 10 minutes last night and had a snippet of a dream. In the dream I was scheduled to tutor an adult friend at 10 p.m. but I was hoarse**so I wanted to call and cancel. It was already late notice as it was 10:07. I wanted to call but I didn't know which friend. I then heard a female voice say my friends full name. My friend is an advisor to an estranged parents group. I woke up and I didn't check the time. I thought it was 11 p.m. I am believing it was indeed 10:07. I realized it was only 10:12 after a few minutes. Long story short, the next day she wrote me the 5 words spirit wanted me to hear, "One Day At A Time."
** I actually am hoarse this week. When I don't feel heard I tend to develop laryngitis. Allergins also have caused me to partially lose my voice. Perhaps I feel partially heard.
@ghandigirl No matter how badly you want a relationship with your daughter, having one won't make you happy, it won't complete you and it won't fix anything. As lovendures explained so eloquently you can't force anything and trying to has proven to be a broken record- unless YOU change, the situation won't change- and I don't mean (the situation with) your daughter - that will always be her choice, I mean your suffering, unless you look at your situation through a different lens and address the pain in yourself you will continue on the same path.
Changing is hard, healing is hard and you can't do it overnight. So forgive yourself while you try to create new pathways, those beaten down pathways are familiar and easy to follow, carving a new one isn't going to be easy work. If you want a paradigm shift then you will find it.
It is my daughter's birthday. She had left me a very sweet message recently. It seems I "only" needed to let her go to get her back. Very hard to do but I did it. And she has come back into my life again.
So Happy Birthday to both of us. Thanks all for the support through the last four years. The worst is over, the rebuilding has begun. And I am grateful to all my friends here.
My daughter has reached out and re-entered my life in a positive way. Today is her birthday. I am grateful. And quietly celebrating.
It was a long four years of estrangement. One day at a time now...
@ghandigirl What beautiful news! I am so happy for you. Happy birthday to your girl. May each day bring healing.
@ghandigirl, thank you for sharing your wonderful news. The angels are smiling.
Happy birthday to your dear daughter!
That is a good first step. I am happy for you.
Remember to let her continue to do the reaching out. This is like a test phase. 😀
Kind of reaching that breaking point today. Feels like all the bad news is piling on lately with little signs of light. Am I the only one feeling buried under the negativity right now?