I've been around, just haven't been commenting. I got dad's care transferred to hospice a little over a week ago, and have been dealing with family issues from dysfunctional members, so I've had lots on my plate. As Roseanne Rossannadana used say, "It's always something."
@jaidy dear, you are not alone. I went through this ages ago with my youngest. My ex narcissist husband lied right and left in the courtroom in front of the judge, and the judge was clueless, and neither his attorney nor mine did a thing. It was bad enough that when he lied about my allowing phone contact, I was ordered by the court to be home and have my phone lines available on Tuesdays and Thursday nights between certain hours. Can you believe that? Internet was dial up back then, and it frosted the ex that he wouldn't call before our youngest went to bed, and then I'd be online with friends getting support. A year and a half later, the same judge making the order saw it and declared it nonsensical, wondering what kind of idiot would order such a thing. But then again this was the same judge who was asked to give me interest on IRA payouts that the ex failed to make, and the judge found it equitable to give me 5% earnings when my IRA account had earned 15% during that time. He also forgot to issue a court order to get the funds transferred into my IRA, so they arrived as a payout, counted as income, and could not be put in my IRA-defying the original divorce settlement-also adjudicated by him. This was the same judge who told me that he didn't remember the dates of his parent's deaths (he admitted he didn't have kids, so he was clueless whether he'd remember the date they died had he been in the same circumstance), so we probably wouldn't remember the date of our daughter's death in time. This coming from a man who knew the town was building a monument to the kids in town (including our daughter), where annual memorial services are still held, and every 5th year, a memorial race is run. Let's not get into the national tv coverage on major anniversaries. Just because they sit on a bench doesn't make them wise, fair, or just. Keep that in mind. It's them, not you.
In my case, I ended up getting the jurisdiction changed since neither the ex nor I lived in the state where the ex filed initially, and even tho it took several years, I got the horrible custody rulings by the former judge changed into something much more beneficial to my youngest's well-being. I know someone up thread suggested getting abuse personnel involved, and that's a good idea. If you can afford it, get a child psychologist the court recognizes involved as well. I did this. Not only did my youngest need a good therapist after all they'd been through, but it gave me someone in my corner to back up what my youngest said they wanted. Your daughter wanted you to express her opinion to the judge. The judge didn't listen. A child therapist will listen, and if need be, will go to the court, or will write to the court and express their opinion on what is best for the child, based on what the child has confided in them. It is taken much more seriously by the lawyers and judge when it comes from another professional who has the child's best interest at heart. Sometimes, as I found out, once a matter is 'settled' the court won't look at the issue again without new 'cause'. The input from someone like a therapist can actually be that 'cause'.
As @lynn notes, the courts still manage to take the male version as gospel, and the women are just 'emotional'. This too one day will change.
Keep your chin up. Others have been there, done that, and survived the frustration.
@lynn what state are you talking about - just wondering…
in going through this process I have met many women who have gone through similar circumstances and I asked them how they were able to protect their children and they said- I couldn’t- I lost, he won (in court). but I have to think there is some karmic balancing or reasoning for this. I read divorcing a narcissist and it was like a nightmare scenario Re court.
i already replaced my first lawyer because he wanted me to settle and compromise w my abuser but my spirit guide had said- this process is about you speaking up- you and the girls- which is why I wanted my story told and why I felt the journal entry was so important- that’s my daughters voice.
Thank you, I know nothing about the law and I defer to those who do but never having gone through anything like this- we divorced without lawyers- I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not.
@Jaidy, court is tough, especially with children. Being in a different country the pendulum has swung the other way, and with good reason on the whole, yet when you're the outlier and it takes considerable time and effort the effects can be daunting. All I can say is keep to the high road all the time, the truth always comes out, frustratingly not when you want it to. In my case, I was lucky that eventually a judge become doubly seized by our case. I am not sure if that happens in the states, but in Canada it does, and it makes a difference when the judge calls out the negative versus your lawyer. It turns out judges don't like getting lied too, and it's hard for people to keep a complex lie going.
Positive thoughts to you because I've been there.
@cindy first- that sounds so horrible and I am so sorry… I don’t know what people do in the interim before you get things ‘righted’.
my older daughter has anxiety and sees a therapist my daughter trusts. The judge could rule an evaluator but since we have been divorced 4 years apparently that is not common. I have contacted the domestic abuse agencies in my area but i Had a friend who used them… my ex is verbally and emotionally abusive and although he has pinned my daughter down both lawyers said a judge will want bruises…
NY state, but I've also done work in FL courts too. That said, I've never heard of any family court, in any state, that functions exceptionally well. It's a miserable place to be.
Gang - an update on my mentor.
I gave them last weekend and contacted his wife on Monday. He came home last weekend and is on the road to recovery. 3 ulcers in his stomach. Still more tests, but finding and dealing with those has started him on the path to recovery. He's even emailing me regularly now with updates to the project we're working on and has his old spirit and spunk back.
A huge thank you to everyone for sending him the healing light. I am just so happy he's on the mend!
Hello everyone. I’d like to request prayers / healing / energetic support for Alexandria, one of the students who was killed in the shooting at MSU last night, and for her family. They live a few houses down from me and our community is utterly devastated for them.
@november, definitely sending prayers to the families of all the victims. It is difficult enough to lose a child under any circumstances, but to do so under the glare of the public and the media is excruciating.
I am so very sorry to hear this news. This shooting (like all mass shootings) is so tragic. My heart bleeds for our youth.
May Alexandria be free and know she is loved. May her parents be held in love. May her friends beheld in love as well. May you find the words and actions to help heal her grieving family. Sending you love and prayers.
I did a meditation exercise yesterday and here is the message I received: Slow down. Breathe deep. Do not be afraid. There is something more. Don't doubt it.
Hello Friends,
Asking for your prayers and protections once again.
We are preparing to move again and my anxiety is high. Although I'd love to leave the state as some have (wisely) suggested and never look back, it's just not in the cards at least for now. So, I have to settle for a move further away from where I think the ex is. (He's been somewhat transient since the house sold, but suspect strongly he is lurking around the same area we used to live...) You'd think once the divorce was over (as it was beginning of this year) that he'd realize that the marriage was over, along with all the benefits that came with that.
But his oblivious entitlement caused him to become enraged just last week because he was no longer on my insurance, and two weeks before that because he was dropped from my cell phone plan, long overdue. He is permanently prohibited from any form of communication with me, even specifically via a proxy, but this is exactly what he did to deliver more of his thinly veiled threats that the courts will not take as such. As my lawyer said, I don't have any "evidence" because he hasn't "done" anything, and he has a right to be crazy. Courts are reactive, not proactive.... and I get that. But it all starts somewhere. Every murderer was not a murderer right up until the day he or she was, you know? The restraining order means nothing to him, and the courts will do nothing so my safety is my own responsibility.
That said, we are moving to a peaceful place away from the city. It's quiet and the neighbors know everyone there, which brings me comfort since strangers stick out like sore (unwanted) thumbs. Some neighbors have been there for nearly 40 years. The property itself comes equipped with security features you might not expect. And yes, I'm actually purchasing this property. It's been an ulcer inducing experience! I've had to go to great lengths to remain anonymous in this process, which isn't 100% possible in today's Snowden-was-right world, but I have done everything I can... I think... to remain hidden. But nothing can go wrong when we close Friday. I'm in the hands of people who are supposed to know what they are doing, and I'm in hyper mode about my information and where it is going. They all know my situation. Please pray for this to go well. While I know I've done what i can and feel that those efforts are pretty solid, it's out of my hands at some point and I have to trust the process.
My daughter and I are so ready to move on. I wish I could say it was finished with the ex but he seems determined to reinsert himself. He's maintained inappropriate relationships with memebers of my family designed to do just that. He occasionally tries to contact my daughter who never responds, but never with anything meaningful... either threats meant for me or links (likely to religious videos... she never clicks). He has his part of the settlement and could move on but is choosing not to, unfortunately.
We are so grateful for all the help, support, prayers and healing we've received from this group. Thank you all in advance for your kind responses and continued support!
❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
@jaidy - I am so sorry for what you are going through with your girls. I cannot imagine going through this mess if my daughter were small. It is shocking that the courts do not see the truth. There are some pretty bad judges and bad lawyers out there... but I also think that sometimes in the attempt to be "fair" to fathers they lean excessively in their direction. You did the right thing by advocating for your daughter. She will remember it. And her truth needs to be told. Abuse is far too common because we can't/don't speak of it. It's not acknowledged or believed. The only way to change that is to start to give the survivors a voice and for those voices, those millions of tiny voices to get louder in unison. I've found it hard to speak up myself because of those same reasons... I'd be looked at as crazy or not believed. And I got that from some people. But most didn't think that way. Keep speaking up until you find the right ears.
My heart goes out to you and your girls and I pray for your safety. I pray that your ex has healing from the abuse he endured so that the cycle ends.
You have been clever and strategic about this move which greatly enhances your safety. I will send protective energy to surround you and I will also picture your ex's focus shifting to other aspects of his new life.
Your new place feels good to me. I know you know this, but my own anxiety on your behalf prompts me to urge continued vigilance especially on any social media to avoid inadvertent references to your location.
May and your daughter you feel peaceful and safe in your new home. I just had that thought that you have spiritual protectors around you, for what that is worth.
@busy-smiling I am keeping you and your daughter in my heart and prayers. My daughter and her children are going through a similar but not as intense situation. I fear our situation will escalate to what you describe. And the courts are not on your side. I will keep you both and add you to my personal prayers as I do with mine for safety, peace, good health and stability. Blessings to you both on this new journey. Peace ❤️