Had a very turbulent divorce experience several decades ago when our daughter was about 3. I knew what was important to my ex and just said yes when he wanted extra time or to shift things up. His turbulent life continued and rather than judge him I explained to our daughter why he made the choices that he did and who he was at his core (of course this logic was applied to me as well). This was transformative for all of us. She learned that what other people say and do is more about their life experience and choices, and that she could choose differently than both her parents. I learned not to judge but to accept and understand my ex. The ex learned that we were always the unconditional love, support and acceptance he longed for. We all became dear close trusted friends. 25 years later we were with he and his wife when he passed. Our daughter went through his personal effects and discovered how well she knew her father and how much he loved everyone. While times may be difficult for you right now, they will shift. So,
Lead with your heart. Amazing things happen when we do.
Never be spiteful. You are setting the tone for the future
I wish you a peaceful holiday season and a happy 2023.
Hugs
I highly recommend an old but excellent book, Why is it Always About You? https://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285 Hands down, the best book I have read on narcissism. Very clearly written with concrete suggestions. It isn't fair, but as Marigold suggests, you may have to teach your children how to handle him and to that end, there are excellent suggestions within these pages. My gut says that you could fare best by appearing neutral and "dropping your energy" which is to say be blank; don't give him energy against which to react. If he is self-focused you might frame everything you can in his best interest. Ex., "I can take the kids if you need rest." I bet a hundred bucks you have already done this many times.
To help yourself, I also recommend, Tina Zion's new book, Be Your Own Medical Intuitive. She offers strategies for summoning effective help and taking care of yourself. Intellectually, I have trouble "believing" but I have been using her techniques with excellent results lately. They are simple and she is ethical.
You may have already covered the following bases but just in case:
I don't remember, if you have ever said, how old your children are but having phone numbers, when to call 911, etc., can offer a safety margin. I am not recommending that you coach your children to report their father, but you can tell them that if you are not available, they can go to teachers, school social workers and other people for help and safety. Should a child abuse report result, the courts will see third parties as being more objective than you (not fair but...)
Keep asking for help, I bet it appears...
@raincloud thank you. I will order those books. I read a really scary one on divorcing a narcissist that made me aware of the perils of the legal system. But this is sort of exactly where I’m at right now- I’m getting my oldest 9 a phone and she’s in therapy and also definitely teaching both girls to use their voice, to notice red flags and she is well versed in the flow of fight flight and flow.
I did try having a friendly divorce for 5 years but it was clear that was not keeping us safe. I am trying to visualize our growth and a positive outcome to all of this hoping that truth Justice love and harmony prevail.
My cat Cleo went missing last night. She is NOWHERE.
I opened the door to get some air and maybe she went outside but she is terrified of outside.
She is my support animal and I love her like I loved my dog Toby.
If anyone here sees anything or get any messages from Spirit please let me know.
My cat Cleo went missing last night. She is NOWHERE.
I opened the door to get some air and maybe she went outside but she is terrified of outside.
She is my support animal and I love her like I loved my dog Toby.
If anyone here sees anything or get any messages from Spirit please let me know.
Prayers that she comes home. The best times to look for her are dawn and dusk.
I have had cats go missing; really awful, but I got them back.
In case my two experiences have any guidance to offer:
Once, a cat somehow got into a closet (so you might try looking in places in the house where Cleo could be trapped), and once, my terrified-of-the outside cat got out an opened window and was hunkered down inside a neighbor's fenced-in yard, terrified but he had not responded to my calls. I asked a couple of neighborhood boys to look for him and when they found him, they felt wealthy with a $20 reward.
If you have neighbors, perhaps they could be helpful. Also, an animal whisperer that I know, says animals don't speak human languages so she would suggest communicating with Cleo using mental pictures. Meanwhile, I will send Cleo related support through the ether....
We are doing everything possible to get her home safely. Very small home- rancher style. Searched again and again every inch.
I don't believe she is here in the house. I thought she may have passed but I am hoping she is nearby. Someone has offered to loan me a humane trap. Flyers made and posted. Neighbors on the lookout. My boyfriend and I searched all day. I posted on several sites and fb.
It is interesting that I have been working on a video performance of There's Still My Joy. This song has comforted me as I struggle to come to terms with the loss of a relationship with my daughter. Working on this was healing, even as I faced the onset of this new trial.i wonder why this life has been so challenging for me? Did I Actually sign up for this? But still there's joy.
Faced with the loss of my little angel cat, the trauma from my daughter pales in comparison. Nothing is more urgent than finding my darling cat safe and alive.
I received a discouraging reading today that said yes she is alive but no she is not coming back. That has to be wrong. I regretted asking. If that's true it would be kinder to spare me that info
I lost faith today. My friends held my faith for me until I was able to pick it back up. I continued on today to finish my video project. What a gift to be able to sing and comfort myself and others.
I am a visual learner. I will try to send and receive pictures from her. I am in too much pain though to get a good read on her.
She is just nowhere.
I am not sure I believe in them, but I have summoned Jeanne's Legion of Angels to protect my Cleo. I am not sure about G d either but I prayed.
@ghandigirl sending protection to Cleo and peace for you. I know how difficult this must be for you right now. Is she an indoor cat who may have gotten out or does she normally go out?
She is an indoor cat who is terrified of outside and it is puzzling.
@ghandigirl this happened a few times with my indoor cat.
Twice she got out of the house and the animal control officer of my town, who is incredibly knowledgeable, told me they will stay close to the house. They will hide, however, because they are terrified, but hover close to the house. Which she did. I had to keep looking out for her for many hours. I kept the door open and stood there calling. Finally she ran in.
The last time she disappeared, she had climbed into a tiny hole in the back of a closet and inside the house that put her under the floorboards by the bathtub where there’s a lot of space around the bathtub under the floor. I discovered it because I could not sleep and wandered around the house and around 3 AM, I heard her crying.
It still took several days to get her out because she had become trapped in there. I did an Internet search and discovered that around the bathtub, under the floor boards is a common place for cats to get trapped.
So if there’s a possibility of that happening, you have to search everywhere for a hole that would give her access and then get someone to come and open that space. I got a carpenter who arrived with a drill and a gigantic round drill bit that made a hole about 8 inches diameter. Then I had to leave food to get her to come to the opening whereupon I grabbed her and pulled her out.
Email me your phone number so perhaps I can help you better.
That made me cry.
I realized something this morning..The last day I spent with Cleo Spirit had gifted me with two Blue Jay feathers. They presented on the ground overlapping and attached.. I photographed them and put them in my zippered coat pocket.. At the time I felt it was about my partner and I. I had a strong knowing that it was a pure message.
When I went to check later I found only one of the feathers. I found it next to my drafting table/ home office on the rug,The other was missing. My boyfriend and I are twin flames, like twins finishing each others sentences. And I thought, I will see how psychic I am and predict that he will find and bring me the feather.
This message is crystal clear full of symbolism. My boyfriend and I are attached. My cat and I are attached. And I was surprised to be unattached and single, singular. My feather was lost.
My boyfriend has been endlessly researching and searching.He is going to do whatever it takes to bring me that feather.Too love away all that is broken in me.
Spirit suggests to me that he will rescue her, no matter how long it takes. And I needn't be so morose. I have already given up hope. Honestly I am an eternal optimist. I always bounce back up but this time is different. I am Job. And I am tired.
@ghandigirl Okay, your bluejay feathers are interesting because last night when I focused on Cleo I saw a bluejay in my mind's eye. I kept seeing birds until I had to just stop trying to read Cleo because I'd been doing a bird jigsaw puzzle. When I saw the bluejay and other birds in my mind's eye when focusing on Cleo, I wondered if she had gotten outside while trying to catch a bird. Or she could have ended out inside the walls thinking she was going to catch something there. Let's continue this via email since we are hijacking this thread.
This is probably nothing, but do you have any trees around your home? Could she have climbed a tree and is too scared to climb down?
Holding out good thoughts for your kitty, @ghandigirl.
When I look at the photo of Cleo, I saw her cowering in place, afraid and too scared to move@ghandigirl. She may be close by but somehow cannot get herself to go back home or is perhaps stuck somewhere when she cannot get out. I feel she wants to come back. I could not get if this cowering was in the present or shortly after she escaped. Keep calling her and don’t stop looking as she may show up with time. If you have a particular way of calling her for food or treats, do it and do it often. Put posters with her photo on it, asking for neighbours to check their crawl spaces or inside a car engine. Go door to door to speak to them if necessary. I don’t know where you live but if it’s in a cold area, she could have been seeking warmth in a very small space. My former cat, who was an indoor cat, escaped once when I accidentally left the door ajar to go to the garbage can. She had never been outside, did not know the neighbourhood and had been declawed by a previous owner! (I was the third human for this kitty and trust me, I would never declaw a cat). The worst thing was because I was working on a thesis, spending my entire day at the computer, I did not notice her missing until evening. That’s when I panicked. I called her, walked the neigbourhood calling her name. I continued calling and looking for her every half hour until I went to bed, even getting up during the night to do so. Luckily, it started to rain hard with freezing rain late that evening and since she hated the cold and being wet, she showed up at the door early the next morning, wet, crying and dirty with motor oil. I literally cried with relief. I hope your kitty is found because from her photo, she has a lot of love to give.
@seaholly Once, one of my cats disappeared. I look everywhere, finally I learned somebody had seen her being chased near the RR track. So I went down the track and started calling her. Backing up and kept calling. She did not come, but the calling got her back to where she knew where she was, the she was back home in a few hours.
As you know, cats love to hide in things. Luggage, boxes, bags...could she have been in one of those and accidentally transported somewhere? My sister found a stray cat hiding under her car in one of the undercarriage pieces I think. where it was warm on a cold night after the car had been running on a cold night. It was stuck there and needed help getting out.
So, has anyone been to your house and taken something away she could have hidden inside? Presents, gift bags, Have you guys driven anywhere during that time frame?
Also, I really suggest putting her litter box outside and a blanket or something she likes and is familiar with.
My landlord has found Cleo. She was sunning herself in front of a shed. When I came down he saw her slip into the shed. My boyfriend and I have secured the perimeter with all sorts of containers and I am sitting in a small chair. i just heard her meow. At least I hope it's her...I only saw movement
I was painting her portrait when my landlord knocked. On Tuesday I broke the toilet tank don't ask and gave his son who came over with him my children's book with photos of my two cats. He was able to I'd her.
Now we wait.